True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us. Socrates

Tonight I am exhausted and tomorrow is another long day at work.  Something Sam said tonight, though, really got to me and decided to share it rather than dwell on it by myself.  So you all get to think about it with me.  You lucky people!  Anyway, he told me he is looking at wheelchairs.  He did not say why or how soon or what if or anything else, it just came up in conversation, oddly enough, when a commercial came on featuring Segways.  Apparently Segway is making wheelchairs now, according to him.  Interesting.

There are many things in life that will catch your eye. But only a few will catch your heart....Ben Crenshaw

Another two weeks past in a flurry and here I am thinking I better write something or people are going to begin to wonder!  Anchorage is back into its deep freeze, although we did manage to get about a foot of snow last week, all of which is still on the ground and we are now in a wonderland of white.  It is beautiful but ohmigosh, it is cold.  Best thing is, the winter solstice is in a few days which means...a few more months and it is fishing season again!

Fishing for silvers on the Deshka.

Today my dad is celebrating two weeks of feeling his feet.  Now that may sound a bit crazy but he injured his back when he was 10 and the injury became worse over the years, especially playing football, baling hay, chasing kids, falling off the Thrift Shop roof in John Day, and a variety of other things.  He finally found a neurosurgeon in Corvallis who wanted to do something about it.  Dr. Cliff Roberson, an Iditarod veteran, knew he could help Dad, and he did just that.  We are all so grateful to him being willing to take a huge risk, as Dad also has severe heart problems, and work on Dad's back.  The hope is that it will alleviate much of Dad's pain as well as other medical issues.  The greatest result, though, is that Dad is able to feel his feet again.  How awesome is that!  Mom and Dad celebrate 53 years on Wednesday, so this year is extra special.

Sam's doing ok.  Last week marked three years since the diagnosis of his stage IV non-small cell lung cancer.  Wow.  We are grateful for each and every day.  His energy lasts only about 30 minutes a day now and then he is done.  Not until late last week did I realize how much his lack of energy and tremendous amount of fatigue bothers me.  A couple nights I found myself in tears that Sam is unable to do the things he loves to do. Our weekend jaunts are no longer since he cannot sit in the truck for more than 1/2 hour.  Last Saturday my company had its holiday party. In past years, the two of us often left last...then last year, we left when the band started, and this year, Sam did not even go which proved to be difficult for both of us. Through no fault of his own, my husband in many ways is not my husband anymore.  Funny thing is, I think he is on the same wave length.  During the week we do not sleep together because he is in such intense pain throughout the night and wakes several times, sometimes for hours at a time.  So, to make it easier and less stressful for both of us, we limit sleeping together to weekends...and that is only if he feels okay enough to handle another person moving around. Tonight, he suggested we look at purchasing some new furniture so we can be close for an hour or so in the evenings during the week and perhaps then the two of us will feel better about our lives.  Sometimes his thoughtfulness truly takes me by surprise.  Another new chapter, though, no matter which way you look at it. If we cannot sleep together, we can at least spend some time together on the same piece of furniture rather than across the room from each other.  Just in case you are wondering...our couch is not in the least bit comfortable for Sam.  

Sam is still talking about Hawaii next month, so I guess I better start doing something about that.  Luckily, last spring in the Clean Air Challenge bike ride, I won two roundtrip tickets anywhere Alaska Airlines goes.  And by the way, fundraising for that starts in January!

q'ua

Shake, rattle, and roll! What we did this afternoon in the upper Cook Inlet region.

Wow.  Anchorage experienced an earthquake today and a good one at that.  5.7-5.9 depends on who you ask.  http://www.aeic.alaska.edu/Seis/recent/sub/quakes/2012339_evid10612174/evid10612174.html
The CIRI building is a fairly new one so there is no damage that we are aware of.  The length is what most frightened people, I think, because it lasted what seemed like a lifetime but probably ended up being only 45-60 seconds.  Oh boy!  

Sam making his homemade sourdough dinner rolls.

Sam and I enjoyed a relatively quiet Thanksgiving, Skyping with his mom and sister, and with my parents and one set of my many aunts and uncles.  We watched a lot of football (if you can imagine) and otherwise, stayed home.  Anchorage headed into its November deep freeze which we have yet to come out of.  Sam cooked and I grazed the entire day.  Perfect day, if you ask me.  Thanksgiving is my favorite meal to fix, however, Sam enjoys it too, so I am quite happy to just let him do his thing.   

He is feeling pretty good, although standing on his feet all day on Thanksgiving did wear him out.  Took him a few days to recover from that.  His "happy pills" are making a huge difference in his mood, which is extremely pleasing to me.  On the 26th, Sam saw his oncologist who told him some of his issues are "age" related.  Hmmmm...wonder what he meant by that?  The next CT exam is scheduled for after the first of the year, so until then, no doctors visits, tests, or anything unless something happens which requires a doctor.  Hopefully it will be a quiet holiday season for us.  Unless, of course, there happens to be more earthquakes.

In football news, the Ducks are going to the Fiesta Bowl, the Longhorns are playing the Beavers in the Alamo Bowl (I will be yelling for the winning team), Boise State Broncos are going to the Las Vegas Bowl and my Denver Broncos are kicking butt.  All things football are good.

In case I do not post before December 8, Happy Hanukkah!

q'ua

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.--John F. Kennedy

Attitude of gratitude.  Just simply being reminded to be grateful brings a smile to my face and a peaceful feeling to my soul.  There are so many things for which I am grateful and I know, without them, I would not be where I am today.  Most of all, I am eternally grateful for my friends and family who are too numerous to mention. Know though, that although I might only see or talk with you once in a great while, each and every one of you have made an impact on my life and for that, I am grateful.

Winner Creek Trail marker at Alyeska

Sam is doing quite well at this point, relatively speaking.  Last weekend we spent at Alyeska, a resort approxmiately 40 miles south of Anchorage.  It is one of our favorite "getaway" spots and it did provide some rest and "cancer free" moments, such as eating at our favorite spot, The Silvertip Grill.  On the other hand, it served as an eye opener for me.  During our past visits, we went on many hikes along the Winner Trail as well as along the multi-user path which goes from the resort to the Seward Highway.  This time, however, we made it about 1/4 mile in on the Winner Creek Trail and Sam hit his max.  I suspected his breathing capabilities were not what they had been, but he refused to really let me know...until I saw it for myself. Going up stairs is a challenge, and it is a very slow process.  Watching him struggle with activities he dearly loves broke my heart; yet because I cannot allow myself to become immersed in the sadness of it all, I literally pushed those thoughts out of my mind. They are there, though, just under the surface.  Here is my energetic, outdoor-loving, athletic husband struggling to do something he used to give me grief for in not being able to keep up with him.  Now, it is the exact opposite (although I do not give him grief, let me be very clear on that.) Today he told me he tries to walk 20 minutes each day in order to keep his circulation going and his muscles from atrophying.

Sam hiking at Alyeska

As for his mood, it is much better and he informed me that the doctor prescribed a low dose of Lexapro for his mood and anxiety issues.  Now I know why things are so much better.  Whatever it takes,  although a win yesterday by his Ducks would have made the world a much better place as well!
However, my Denver Broncos are doing awesome, so all is well in my world!

This past week I spent at two different conferences, the first at the Alaska Chapter of the American Planning Association and the second at the Resource Development Council.  Let me just say...there is a huge difference between the APA's mindset and the RDC's mindset.  For those of you who live in Alaska, I am sure you know what I mean.  I will leave it at that and say no more.

The weather here in Anchorage is getting cold and colder, not much snow, but enough to let us know winter is here.  My sled dog musher friends are grateful for the cold because it provides a more stable environment for practice runs. Alyeska opens for skiing this week, so that will make many others happy, too.  "They" say that we are supposed to have just as much snow this winter as last, however, so far, it does not look like it.  On the other hand, March and April are the snowiest months, so I probably should not get too excited.

In case I do not post before Thursday, to those of you in America, I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!

q'ua

We become what we think about all day long. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson is so right, we do become what we think about all day.  Therefore, I will be thinking of myself as being 5'6" tall and 20 pounds lighter.  That should take care of that.  :)

In two days we will finally know who our president will be for the next four years.  No matter who wins, it is our responsibility and duty as citizens of the United States to do just that, unite behind our president and support him (or her!) and not whine, complain, or degrade our leader.  Vote and be proud of your vote, and if your candidate does not win, support the winner no matter what.  This negative talk must stop or our country will suffer even greater loss.  Remember what Mr. Emerson said..."We become what we think about all day."  Be positive and supportive, we can and must do it if we want to continue to be a global leader.

Sam's ultrasound results came back with nothing abnormal found. We have yet to really discuss it, but for myself, I cannot decide if I am glad or what.  In a way it is good to know there is nothing, yet on the other hand, what are we missing?  It is quite possible the pain is a side effect from the chemo and will slowly disappear over time but, again, it is quite possible the pain is something which needs to be addressed.  A person could go crazy worrying about the what ifs.

Sweet Pea on her lazy Sunday afternoon nap.

With each passing day, Sam's mood does get better.  He is still sleeping a lot and not getting out and about like I think he should be, but I am not the medical expert nor did he ask my opinion (whatever is up with that?)  Last week while on a call with the kids, he described his cancer as having four different parts which I find interesting.  The four parts are:  1) the cancer itself; 2) the side effects; 3) the symptoms; and 4) the mental/emotional issues. Although they are all tied together, separately they seem easier to deal with and to think about.  Just food for thought. During that call I also learned he is taking 3 months off from treatment, will have a CT scan in December or January on his chest/abdomen, and from there will decide what, if anything, will be next.  Apparently there is a clinical trial which he might qualify for which is for those patients who developed a resistance to Tarceva, which includes Sam.  From what I understand, the doctor is trying to get Sam qualified in case he decides he is interested in participating.

As for me, I am feeling much better although the tears seem to flow much easier these days.  I suppose my mind is finally getting wrapped around the state of affairs; or, my thoughts are becoming compartmentalized and I am dealing with life as I normally do.  That statement seems a bit redundant and I am now rambling.  Exercise truly makes a difference and after attending this morning's American Lung Association's breakfast, I now will be training for the Clean Air Challenge bike ride in the spring.  The Ducks, Beavers, Longhorns and Denver Broncos all won this weekend, too, which made it even better! Work is going gang-busters and I still love my job which is awesome and I am very grateful for it.

This week saw much destruction on the east coast and many of our friends and family were, and still are, without power and some are without homes.  Mother Nature has a way of reminding us we are not in control, so if you are not prepared for emergencies, I would recommend you take 30 minutes in the next few days and get yourself prepared.  You just never know when and where that emergency gear will come in handy.

For those of you wondering, the earthquakes in the Queen Charlotte Islands off of British Columbia were not felt in Anchorage.  They are too far away, 893 miles or 1437 kilometers to be exact.  Nor did we experience the tsunami.  Weather wise this week turned out to be a bit boring compared to previous weeks here.

q'ua

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Yeah, what she said!

Sam is slowly becoming his old self again, although I know he will never, ever truly get all the way back.  Each day he tells me a little bit more of what is happening with his body.  The other day in my blog, I stated he did not have another doctor's appointment until next month.  Silly me.  What I found out yesterday is that he actually did have another doctor's appointment, only it was with his doctor at the VA who he sees on a quarterly basis.  She is an internist and asked Sam during his appointment if he is aware his liver is enlarged. Uhhh...hmmmmm...yeah...good question.  She immediately scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow morning, meaning Saturday. Is it a good sign when a doctor schedules a test on a Saturday and tells you the door will be locked at the VA clinic so we will have to ring the bell and wait to be let in because the clinic is not normally open on Saturdays? Just curious.

Thinking about all the tests the past 3 years conjured up memories of how the first PET scan went and how much trouble we had with it.  The radiologist who read it actually read the wrong test and then when he did pull up the correct one, misdiagnosed Sam and insisted, even while doing a needle biopsy in his lung that it was just scar tissue and he was going to prove it. Oh yes...remembering all that conjured up some rather testy moments in my memory bank and times of actually yelling (how unusual of me) at the person on the other end of the phone, ranting on for several minutes.  Then, in January and February of 2010, spending each and every day either on the phone or at the hospital, clinic or various doctors' offices trying to get the diagnosis straight on all of Sam's records.  What a nightmare...or perhaps I should rephrase that...I was the nightmare.  I am certain when some people saw me coming, they wished they could just close the door and lock it so they would not have to deal with some crazy woman who was half out of her mind because her husband had been misdiagnosed and then found to have stage IV cancer which was, and is, incurable.

Ok...I ranted. Onward.

Today marks week 2 post-chemo and he is that odd looking sallow color which almost makes him look like he is embalmed (no kidding, Roy, you should see him!)  Thankfully he smiled often tonight and he kissed me goodnight, first time in 3 months.  Happy Dance!  It is the little things in life which make a person happy, as I am sure you understand.

Walking is proving to be more and more difficult for him. As we drove to the VA yesterday, he told me he probably only has 75% use of his left leg (the one he lost complete use of in the summer of 2011 and had radiation on) and that his right leg, foot and ankle are having problems, with maybe about 85% use, if not less.  Watching him struggle to walk is almost painful at times and we both believe it relates to the tumors in his lower back pressing up against the nerves.  Since he cannot have anymore radiation, I wonder if it will be sooner rather than later when he is no longer able to walk.

His spirits are good and for that, I am grateful.

q'ua

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?” – Kahlil Gibran

Well, I am keeping this short tonight because 1) I am exhausted; and 2) the Ducks are playing.  

That being said, the results are better than anticipated, but like Sam keeps repeating, they really do not change anything.  The liver is fine, the progression in the lungs is slower; however, there are a few new "hot spots" with one in the T10 vertebrae and 2 new spots in his pelvis.  The doctor told him the crazy things Sam is experiencing are side effects from the chemo and typical symptoms of lung cancer (no one has ever really told him that before that I am aware of.)  

When I asked if he felt some relief, he replied with a "not really" and then went on to explain, as I noted above, it does not really change anything.  No, it certainly does not, but it does give hope to live a bit longer.  This down mood really needs to disappear.  

Last May before the chemo began, we decided to try to go to Hawaii in January.  Those plans went by the wayside during the chemo but tonight he said he would like to try and go.  So, it is back on the calendar but we will not make any plans until after the first of the year.

Sam sees the doctor again in a few weeks, then is not scheduled to go back for another month  or so after that for a CT scan on his lungs and abdomen.  

There you have it.  All is "good" for now, but as you all know, in the cancer world, things can change on a dime.

q'ua

The roller coaster ride continues. Me

Just a quick note. As I drove Sam to Providence fot his PET scan, he told me the real reason the doctor ordered the test is because Sam is feeling a deep sharp pain above and to the left of his belly button. For those of you who do not remember your anatomy and physiology classes, that is the liver.   I remained calm until after I dropped him off and drove to a park overlooking the Cook Inlet. Just so you know, I am not very calm right now.

Test results are supposed to be given to us tomorrow.

Pray for peace, please.

q'ua

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. - Marjorie Kinnan

Before I get started, let me just say...BRONCOS! 

Last night I had an epiphany of sorts.  Sam hardly said a word to me all day and had his headphones on listening to music while watching football.  At first I misunderstood the situation thinking that he was attempting to completely ignore me.  However, after watching him for awhile, it suddenly dawned on me he was practicing pain management skills taught to him through the palliative care program at Providence.  I asked him how he was doing and for the first time, he told me he was in a great deal of pain.  The immediate change in my attitude was amazing.  It was a complete turnaround from being sad, disgusted, angry, scared and all those negative emotions, to being empathetic, concerned, caring - emotions and feelings I seemed to have lost the past couple months reappeared.  I do not want Sam to be in pain.  Having him tell me straight up that he is in a great deal of pain tells me he is in more pain than you and I can ever imagine because he has an incredible pain threshold.  As to exactly where this pain is, he did not tell me; however, it is probably throughout his entire body which leads me to my thoughts today.

Helen getting fishing tips
from her dad at Bird Creek.

During the course of the cancer journey, you are constantly fed a vast array of information which you slowly digest, allowing it to sink in and then it does not seem to reappear until the necessary time when it is needed most.  During our visit to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, the doctors walked us through a timeline of sorts, listing events which might happen at various times.  One of many things discussed is when there is no more treatment available and/or the pain level is just too much to maintain a good, or even decent, quality of life.  Sam and I have had this discussion several times, but it has been awhile so it is not in the forefront of my mind.  Until today, that is, when I suddenly recalled what the doctors told us.  Often, depending on the patient's request, hospice is called.  Not because the end is near, but because hospice provides a much higher level of pain management which cannot be offered through palliative care or the doctor's office.  Today, I began preparing myself for that possibility.  Please understand that I am preparing for the worse and hoping for the best when I say this.  

Sam's PET scan is Wednesday and we are scheduled to receive the results on Thursday.  Sam will then be faced with making a decision based on the results, the doctor's recommendations, and hopefully a discussion with me.  No matter my opinion, though, it is entirely up to him as to where we go from here.  Throughout the past 3 years, Sam has maintained he does not want to live in pain. Initially we discussed in-depth the options, including moving back to Oregon or Washington where assisted suicide is legal, researching the pros and cons of medical marijuana (which is not available to purchase in Alaska, you have to grow your own and needless to say, that is where I put my foot down at the time), morphine in some form, or whatever is available.  The bottom line is he does not want to live in a world of pain.  Today at work, I shared my tears and my fears with some of my co-workers and because I do not want to cry again right now, I am not going to write any more on this subject tonight.  There will be plenty of time later to share whatever route he chooses to take.

Tonight he does seem to be in a much better mood, thank goodness.  I prayed long and hard over the weekend for the anger to subside and I am hoping it has.  It will take some time for the chemo to work its way through his body and I just need to remember to be patient.

So many of you have called, written, emailed, texted, whathaveyou, and I greatly appreciate every bit of it.  It certainly has made it a little easier to handle and I am slowly starting to accept my marriage will never be the same again, no matter what.  But that does not mean I do not love Sam any less.  In fact, I probably love him more because that is about the only thing I can do.

q'ua

"And how many words have I got to say? And how many times will it be this way? With your arms around the future, and your back up against the past. You're already falling, it's calling you on to face the music - and the song that is coming through. You're already falling, the one that it's calling is you." Moody Blues, The Voice

Tonight, I just want my Sammy back. Rocky threw up all over the place, so I shampooed the carpet in various spots.  Sam sat in his recliner and both cats burrowed in on top of him, scared out of their minds. It was absolutely adorable and I wanted a picture.  I stopped shampooing, grabbed my iPhone and started to take a picture.  Sam got pissed off, said no pictures, threw the cats off his lap, got up and stormed into the bedroom.  I could not believe it.  He then told me that I had blown it by not turning off a light which I knew shined into his face and then insisted on trying to take a picture when he had told me not to.  At this point, I could not tell you if I did or did not.  I am a complete mess.  He went to bed about an hour ago and I have tried to relax and stop crying, and all I do is cry harder.  I am so sad on so many different levels.  I know he is not in his right mind and that is the most difficult part.  I also know he realizes his behavior is crazy but he cannot stop himself in the midst of the anger and he is too proud to come back and apologize.  Besides, by the time he sees me again after these episodes, he has long forgotten them and we have moved on.  It is so incredibly painful.  

Tomorrow I am going to call his doctor and beg him to not ever put Sam on carboplatin again and to also make sure when they do the PET scan next week, a brain scan is included.  He told me earlier today he hurts all over.  How can a person live like that?  His quality of life right now just sucks.  This is not our lifestyle, we are a glass half full family and we are not living like that at all.   


I wish I could snap my fingers and everything will be alright. This is pure unadulterated hell and I would not wish this on anyone.

These are the times I find myself freaking out wondering if Sam is ever going to get back to himself or if this is what we are going to live with for however long.  I do not want this to be my last memories of him.  He accuses me of only worrying about myself, so I suppose I am by saying this.  It is quite selfish.  On the other hand, I do not want him to have to live like this, either.  It is awful.  Absolutely awful. 

We know so many of you are keeping us in your thoughts and prayers and we both greatly appreciate that.  We ask you pray for Sam to be able to maintain a good quality of life in peace and in comfort.

q'ua

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt is one of those people from history that if I could spend the day with, she would be one of my first choices.  She was an amazing individual and I could learn so much from her.

26 Glacier Cruise.
Wonder what those guys are looking at?

For the past month, it seems to have rained constantly here in southcentral Alaska and this weekend is no exception.  There are still several bridges out on CIRI land which we are slowly beginning to either repair temporarily and/or develop plans for permanent fixes.  As everyone is saying, we need to take advantage of this time to build better roads and bridges if we can.  And as far as I am concerned, YES WE CAN.

Sam is doing ok.  His final chemo treatment for this go round was Friday (I was thinking it was a week earlier, but obviously I was mistaken.)  He is sleeping a lot this weekend which is normal and pretty much keeping to himself.  Of course, it probably helped that yesterday I did not get up until about 10, hung out for awhile, then left for about 5 hours.  It was not my intention to be gone for so long, but it certainly worked out well, probably for both of us.  He is complaining about ongoing chest pain and no one knows if it is from the tumor behind his heart, the multitude of other tumors throughout his lungs or what.  A PET scan is scheduled for October 17 and then he will see the doctor on the 18th.

College Glaciers

Sea or Harbor Otters

Sea Lions

The anger is still there, thankfully not as forceful as it was earlier.  Even though people in the medical field and  other caregivers say this anger is common, especially among men Sam's age and stage of cancer, it certainly does not make it any easier to deal with.  I am so lucky that work is extremely busy and creates an escape for me; however, I do often forget to prepare myself for anything when I come home from work and that does create a few intense moments, sometimes lasting for the entire evening and into the next day. It is a learning lesson, to say the least.

The other day I took the trailer in to be winterized and started wondering what next summer will be like.  Sam struggles walking but forces himself to keep going because he understands that exercise is not only important, for him it is imperative.  I sometimes wonder if that is really what all this anger is about, that he is unable to do all the things he likes to do.

More than anything, I am just extremely glad this chemo is over.  If he decides to do more, I hope it it is without the carboplatin because I am convinced that is what is behind the personality change.

Anyway, enough of that!  How about those Oregon Ducks?  And Oregon State Beavers?  And darn those Longhorns!  Losing to West Virginia?  All I can say is...they better not lose their next game as it is OU Weekend (for all you non-Longhorn fans, that would be Oklahoma).  You can lose all the games in the season, just do not lose to Oklahoma.  Needless to say...we have had some pretty down years in Austin. And now, my Denver Broncos.  Hopefully they can win two games in a row.  Peyton looked awesome last weekend and I only got to see it in replays!

Whittier, Alaska

Speaking of last weekend, we were on the final glacial cruise of the summer out of Whittier.  If you have never taken one of those cruises, I highly recommend that you do.  It is phenomenal.  Our fourth time and we still saw things we had not seen previously. It truly is stunning.

q'ua

Blood Test That Accurately Detects Early Stages Of Lung, Breast Cancer In Humans

A new blood test has been developed which detects early stage lung and breast cancer.  WOW.  Very very exciting for everyone.  Now to find a cure.  Today.

http://www.healthnewsdigest.com/news/Cancer_Issues_660/Blood_Test_That_Accurately_Detects_Early_Stages_Of_Lung_Breast_Cancer_In_Humans.shtml

"Surprise, surprise, surprise!" Gomer Pyle aka Jim Nabors

Whenever I am met with a "will you take me to Lowe's" request the minute I walk in the door, I should know by now to focus on what exactly is being said and why the request is being made.  Another milestone in this journey is quickly approaching apparently.  At Lowe's we visited the bathroom section as Sam is needing assistance getting in and out of the bathtub.  During the day he often takes warm baths to increase his body temperature and he is experiencing more and more difficulty in being able to get out of the bathtub.  Hence, the trip to Lowe's.  As we were walking down the hall he also informed me that yesterday he walked to the post office and had shortness of breath.  The post office is only a few blocks away.

All in all, though, the man is amazing because he really does not complain, just chooses when (and where) to inform me of certain details which might prove to be important in the days to come.

It seems like Sam is slowly starting to wrap his mind around where he is currently in his journey.  His mood has improved greatly, thus, so has mine.

Luckily, the Oregon Ducks are doing amazing things on the field which boosts his spirits incredibly.  Too bad my Broncos are not doing the same, which does boost his spirits, just so you know.  What a guy.

q'ua

Whether the weather be fine, Whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold, Whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather, Whatever the whether, Whether we like it or not ~Author Unknown

If you have not heard, southcentral Alaska is under a severe weather advisory and has been for several weeks now.  This week it all came to a head and now we are experiencing major flooding, mudslides, hillsides collapsing, dikes and levees breaching, and everything that comes along with those events.  Most of all, we are wet.  Very, very, very wet.  And guess what?!  There is more on the way.  Today we enjoyed a few hours of blue sky and sunshine, just enough to give us time to realize we are in the midst of a disaster, to clean up quickly what we could, and prepare for the next onslaught. Luckily, as of yet, no lives have been lost due to the weather...that we are aware of anyway.  It is quite possible there are people who live off the grid as well as others who are out hunting that we will not know about until someone realizes they are missing.  Until then, though, I am celebrating that we are all safe.

Tyonek, Alaska on the west side of Cook Inlet.

Tyonek is on the west side of Cook Inlet and is currently without power and phones plus the roads around it are impassable. Most are washed out and if bridges are involved, either the bridge or the bridge approaches are washed out.  They are amazing people, though, and since they live off the grid, they are used to taking care of themselves.  There has just been so much rain and wind for several weeks with more on the way, there will come a breaking point for some people.  This evening Governor Parnell declared a disaster area for the Kenai Peninsula and MatSu Boroughs which is good to hear.  We are all going to require assistance in repairing and replacing all the infrastructure which has been affected. My hat is off to those on the west side, though.  Being off the road system, they tend to get overlooked.  Hopefully since Tyonek is in the Kenai Peninsula Borough, it will benefit from the disaster declaration.  No matter what, though, CIRI (where I work) will do whatever it can to assist.

This week it has been my pleasure to be able to assist many of our shareholders who live in the Cook Inlet region which spans from the Kenai Peninsula to Sutton and Chickaloon, to Talkeetna and along the west side to Tyonek and Beluga, as well as keeping an eye on all my projects is what I have been working on all week. Alaskans are amazing people and everyone seems to be pulling together to help each other out.  Here is a link to a page which has a map identifying CIRI villages and this entire region is experiencing this weather.  http://www.ciri.com/content/history/villages.aspx

Tonight Sam and I are relaxing, although I have my cell phone close just in case.  We plan on doing nothing this weekend (since it is supposed to rain all weekend) except watch football (as long as the power holds out), read and rest.  We also need to unload the trailer and get it ready for winter storage.

Sam is feeling much better, I am grateful to report.  Life has calmed down and is much more relaxed.  Next Friday is his final chemo treatment this round and then sometime in October will be a PET scan.  In the cancer world, each type of treatment is considered a "line".  This chemo is Sam's 9th line of treatment.  NINE.  That is absolutely nuts.  Usually the most is third or fourth line treatments.  Ninth is crazy.  The man is amazing. Once the chemo is over, I am hoping beyond hope that his energy level increases.  It will never be to the point it was before because it is just not possible, but even if he could go 3 hours without a nap rather than 2, that would be terrific.

Enjoy your weekend everyone and stay safe.

q'ua (Dena'ina for "good-bye")

"Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal — a commitment to excellence — that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”–Mario Andretti

Peyton Manning.  Wish I could say I was there.
Instead I have to thank the Associated Press for the picture.  Darn.

This week started off much better than the past few weeks, thank goodness!  The Ducks won, the Beavers won, the Longhorns won, the Prospectors kicked some butt...and best of all...my Denver Broncos won.  What can I say?  It is amazing how one football game can set the tone for the entire week and that is what Sunday night's game did for me.

Actually, Sam seems to be feeling better, too, so that really helps.  He is sleeping a lot still but he did manage to get out a couple times this week to workout.  Exercise in a cancer patient's life makes such a huge difference.  So many studies have shown that exercise alone extends a cancer patient's life more than any other treatment.  Even if it is just a short walk around the block each and every day, that is all it takes.

Today was chemo day.  Sam told me the other night he only has one more treatment after this, then they will be doing a PET scan, the first complete PET scan since the lung cancer diagnosis 3 years ago.  It will be fascinating to see what is going on now compared to 3 years ago, although like Sam pointed out, it will not make any difference in the end result, sadly enough.  We just will not focus on that and instead will focus on the fact that he is still alive after 3 years, much longer than most people anticipated.  How awesome is that?

I cannot tell you how glad I am to not be walking on eggshells 100% of the time anymore.  There is still some angst on his part so we are just taking it day by day.  Tonight he is pretty quiet and looks a little on the pale side after the treatment, and I am hoping the paleness resolves itself in the next couple days. It is always interesting to watch his color change after the chemo even though it is more than a little freaky at times.  The Xanax has not come out of its hiding place all week, just in case you were wondering.

Anchorage is under another storm advisory, presumably just as bad as the last one.  At first the weather service was saying only 65 mph winds were expected, then as the weekend got closer, the predictions increased to 110 mph winds.  Oh boy.  Some residents did not get their power back on until almost the weekend last week...and here we go again.  Makes me really wonder what winter is truly going to bring us.  If the ground was frozen with a lot of snow, it would be completely different, but since it is not, odds are whatever trees did not come down last week, will this week.

We were going to go camping and on a glacier cruise, but not now.  This is also the weekend of the Denali Road Lottery - 4 days of 100 vehicles each driving in, most all the way to the end of the road and back.  Normally private vehicles are not allowed back in the park, you have to take a tour bus or a shuttle.  Hopefully the weather there will be somewhat better than here, but the road did shut down a couple times this week due to snow.

It was quite a week for my family, too.  My dad has 5 living sisters, 2 of which had surgery this week, one to have a stent put in her heart and the other to remove 4 brain tumors and do some other work.  Out of the 8 children in my dad's family, at least 5 have been diagnosed with some type of cancer or another.  Have I discussed this before?  If so, please accept my apologies.  It is difficult to determine what the root cause is, could be genetic or it could just as easily be environmental.  My grandfather homesteaded in what is known as the Black Canyon Irrigation District in Idaho, farmed a little bit and was also the chemist at the sugar factory across the Snake River in Nyssa, Oregon. It would be an interesting situation to research, needless to say.  Personally, if my siblings, cousins and I are not diagnosed with cancer at the rate of my dad and his siblings, I would have to say it is environmental.  It is just very difficult to say.  At any rate, both of my aunts are doing fine as well as is my aunt who has been in Houston receiving treatment at MD Anderson.

We also received word that my step-grandmother, Violet Drydale Evans passed away this week.  She was an adorable and amazing woman who had a large clan of her own and then came into ours to be a companion to Grampa after my grandmother passed away.  Always very kind and gracious to all, I will miss her very much.

As for me, work is extremely busy, exercise has fallen by the wayside and I need to get back into the routine.  The weather, though...oh boy...

The past few weeks some of my friends have done wonderful things for me and I cannot thank them enough.  Going to lunch with me, calling, trying to figure out play dates but talking on the phone all the same, patiently listening to me cry, whine or whatever I was doing at the time.  I really appreciate it.  Sam's and my families are quite concerned that he and I are in Anchorage alone but we truly are not.  We have a tremendous support system, not only in Anchorage, but all over and I thank each and every one of you very much.

Ciao!

O, with what freshness, what solemnity and beauty, is each new day born; as if to say to insensate man, 'Behold! thou hast one more chance! Strive for immortal glory!' Harriet Beecher Stowe

Nikki kissing her first Alaska salmon.

What a week!  Last weekend we were in Valdez with Nikki, hoping to catch fish.  She managed to catch her first Alaska fish and therefore, kissed her first fish according to Alaskan custom (or so 'they' say.)  Rain, wind, more rain, more wind, and no fish.  The hatchery managed to get their quota of silvers, though, so my thinking is that the fish all bunched up together waiting for that one moment in time and made a mad dash for home all at once.  Saturday we spent 9 hours out in the bay, had 5 bites and caught 2 between 6 people.  Pretty lousy statistics.  We had a great time, though, and that is the important thing.

Alaska experienced its first major storm of the season, the 4th big one of the year.  Normally we do not get these until winter when the ground is frozen and there is several feet of snow on the ground. Basically the storm is Alaska's equivalent of a hurricane, so we really should be naming these storms. At a meeting I was at the other day, a gentleman sitting next to me noted since it was the 4th major storm of the year and since my name starts with a "D", it should be named "Dara."  Oh yes...if he only knew...or maybe he does!  Gave everyone at my table a good laugh, I must admit.

Sam is sleeping a lot as a result of the chemo.  Last week at his support group, he learned of a recent study proving ginseng helps with the fatigue from chemo.  2000 mg/daily for 8 weeks is required before a chemo patient begins to see results. Eight weeks is a long time, especially in my book.  Tonight his mood finally seems to be less agitated than earlier in the week and for that I am extremely grateful. Of course, as you might already be aware, Xanax is my best friend right now and that helps me stay somewhat calm and less defensive which makes a huge difference in how we handle the unhappier moments.

The support group I am involved with has had a difficult week. Yesterday a member of the group lost her husband and today another did.  There are probably a dozen or so in the group and we have been together online for quite awhile. This morning when I read about yesterday's death, it hit me really hard.  As I was attempting to write a note to my friend, I could not stop crying.  She is now experiencing what I dread.  Then, to receive a second email this afternoon about our other friend...I had to close my office door for a few minutes.  I know when the time comes for me, I will recognize it as a blessing for Sam in that he will no longer be in pain, but I will be alone without my best friend and partner.  Luckily, I was single for a long time, so I know I will be okay, but that does not make it any easier.  Needless to say, tonight I am exhausted.

I am so glad tomorrow is a new day.  Enjoy it to the fullest, I plan on it.

Ciao!

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes. Don Marquis

What a week.  That is about all I can say about it.  One minute things seem much better and the next they are not.  My friends in the online support group which I am a part of sadly confirm that I am not alone in dealing with the crabbiness.  Certainly does not make me feel any better, though. As people have heard me say this past week, this really sucks.  It is really sad, too, that this is the part of the cancer journey no one talks about because no one wants to make the cancer patient "look bad".  My thought is, there have got to be better ways  to handle this situation but no one is truly willing to address it. Very frustrating since it is not a matter of making the individual look bad, it is a matter of finding a better way to handle a simply awful situation. Admittedly, I probably am feeling a bit sorry for myself but it is not fun being the sounding board for someone else's anger.

However!  Nikki arrived the other night and we are now in Valdez searching out silvers (coho).  Tomorrow we are headed out on a boat.  Friends who were not here last week fished three days and went home with seven fish.  Not good odds.  Hopefully we will catch our limit and we will all go home happy.

Today we fished off the rocks, saw no silvers but plenty of humpys (pinks) and chum spawning and basically looking like zombie fish in the water.  Of course, I had to snag one and then could not shake it off my line.  Had to pull the darn thing in and fight to get the hook out of it.  All I can say is that it was totally gross.

Sam has not gotten much sleep the past few nights so hopefully he will tonight. He did manage a power nap late this afternoon, though. Thank goodness we have this cute little travel trailer and we are warm and dry.  Southcentral Alaska is supposed to be getting dumped on this weekend.

Well, we are off to check out the boat we are headed out on tomorrow.  We have to be up and ready to go at 6:30, so it will definitely be an early evening for us as well.  I promise...pictures!  And yes, we will be back in time for the Oregon game.

Ciao!

Nothing like paying the price for forgetfulness. me.

For someone who preaches to live each day to the fullest, I somehow managed to lose that focus and it is affecting my relationship with Sam to degrees I never imagined.  Tonight I received a sharp wake-up call and I aim to get back to that mantra quickly. It is like I got into a kind of lull regarding his illness instead of staying aware of the fact he could be gone in 5 minutes.  Sadly enough, it took a huge argument tonight for me to fully understand what is happening.  Spending my time being depressed is not a wise thing, either, but I do need to get back to live each day like it is your last mindset in order to keep things like tonight from happening again - very depressing, in case you are wondering.

I have no idea why I felt the need to put this out there, but that is what I am doing.  It is so interesting that Sam has yet to read my blog, his only concern is that I am honest and not misleading about his cancer, that I am not making incorrect statements about what is going on with him.  I do not believe I am, or have, but it is all in the eye of the beholder.

Terminal illness does such awful things to individuals and affects anyone and everyone around them in ways unimaginable.  When I attempt to put myself in Sam's shoes, it is difficult.  

More than anything, I want him to be comfortable, at peace, and enjoying a good quality of life.  Right now, I am not doing a very good job of making that happen and it is because I lost my focus.

So very grateful this day is over, and yet, so grateful Sam was finally able to get through to me the issue. 

He apparently slept a lot more than usual today, still does not feel good, and tomorrow is chemo.  I thought the sleeping was a good thing and he tells me the amount he slept is not a good thing which worries me.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Thank goodness.

Ciao.

It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the Union... Susan B. Anthony

The quote speaks for itself; therefore, there is no need for me to discuss it further.

Pink fireweed along Pretty Creek Road.

This evening I realized more than a week has passed since my last post.  Work is very busy and for several days last week and over the weekend, I worked out of the office, dragging Sam along with me with the exception of one day. Wednesday I inspected a new road and bridge on the west side of the Cook Inlet and along the road were pink(!) fireweed.  Fireweed is normally purple so this is very unusual.

Over the weekend we stayed at Alpine Creek Lodge on the Denali Highway while I worked on a project in the area.  The view from the lodge is phenomenal as it sits on the hillside overlooking the Susitna River valley.  We did get in a bit of fun, taking an ATV ride up the Windy Creek Road.  At first I thought Sam might not do well, but when I discovered the ATVs were actually more like mini-jeeps, I felt much more comfortable (although a bit disappointed we did not drive our own.)  His back seemed to handle it okay, plus it helped the road did not have any serious ruts or rocks to speak of.  To top it all off, we lucked out and saw two caribou which surprised us since it is hunting season in the area and we managed to pick about a gallon of blueberries.

That all being said, fatigue seems to be the name of the game right now.  Between the chemo treatments, the meds and the cancer itself, Sam does not have the energy he used to and spends a good deal amount of time sleeping, or at least resting.  Much more than he ever did before, in my opinion.  It is difficult for me to determine if I should be concerned or not, so I count on Sam to tell me if things are not right.  Chemo is  Friday and he will also see Dr. Rabinowitz at that time.  Sam told me earlier his blood count might be off again, so it will be interesting to see if this go round plays out like last time. I have yet to see the actual report from the CT scan done 3 weeks ago and I have no idea if Sam obtained a copy or not.  It is not one of those things I dare ask about, if you get my drift.

Fall is fast upon us here in Alaska, although I really do not believe winter ever truly left us.  The leaves are changing, berries are very ripe, crabapples are appearing, and in some places...that 4 letter word has appeared.  The best thing is Fall is for FOOTBALL.  The Ducks are ranked, the 'Horns are ranked, and my Broncos are questionable; however, just remember one year the Broncos lost all of their preseason games and went on to win the Super Bowl.  Just sayin'...

Ciao!

Fishing tournaments seem a little like playing tennis with living balls... ~Jim Harrison, Just Before Dark, 1991

Helen (daughter #2) arrived Wednesday evening and we promptly took off for Homer as my work took me to Ninilchik, Anchor Point, and Homer Thursday and Friday.  Helen's goal...to catch a fish as she is her father's daughter.  The challenge is that fishing in Alaska is not what it has been in prior year's, so the pressure was on.  Sadly, though, she is headed home tomorrow without catching a fish, but as she says, memories were created and that is what is most important.  Check out the video of Sam giving Helen fishing lessons at Bird Creek today, the last stop before we got home in hopes of maybe catching a fish.  Sam did hook a couple, lost one and the other was snagged which he had to let to go (Alaska State Law).

So proud!

Seward's Silver Salmon Derby started yesterday and we did not know that until our arrival late Friday night to spend the weekend.  As soon as we figured that out, we all bought our derby tickets for Saturday in hopes of catching the big one.  We fished in several different places, but the best was Lowell Beach.  We were there in the middle of the day just lazing around, no one really catching anything.  In fact, I sat down for a bit and then decide to give it one more try...and bam!  I had one on and hauled it in before Sam even realized what was going on.  Once I caught mine, all the men on the beach rushed out to start fishing because you know...there is nothing worse than being outfished by a girl.  Of course, I insisted on registering my silver salmon (Coho) with the Derby judges and for a quick 30 seconds, I was in 2nd place with an official catch of 7.91 pounds, 1st place at that point was 7.95.  Darn it!  Then, Mr. 10.72 pounds showed up and that moved me into 3rd place quite rapidly. Those two were caught by people on boats, so I was, and still am, quite proud I caught mine on the beach.  Helen is certain I am going to win the prize for the biggest one off the beach.  That would be awesome (and would shut a certain person who lives with me up...just sayin'....)  By the end of the Derby, there will be many silver salmon well over 10 pounds but my few seconds of glory were very exciting.  And no, in case you are wondering, Sam nor Helen caught anything in Seward.

Clouds over Resurrection Bay.

Helen has not seen her dad in over a year and I am so glad she finally decided to come for a visit. It is difficult to convey to the kids how Sam is doing, even though they have already been through this process with their mother.  They need to see him, though, and he needs to see them. All three kids are in college, though, so it is a challenge for them to get to Alaska from Virginia and still have a few days to spend here with us.  Nikki is coming out over Labor Day weekend and we have yet to figure out plans for Alex.

Sam seems to be doing pretty good although yesterday was a challenging day. Friday was the one week mark from his chemo treatment and each treatment so far either brings different side effects or different timing of the side effects.  We made it through, though, and that is a good thing.  On my part, I need to constantly remind myself of the chemo because I tend to forget and then sit there wondering what in the world has brought on this crazy behavior.  Once I am aware of what is happening, I am better able to get a grip on my attitude and not feel the need to rise up and fight back thinking I need to defend myself.  Rather, I am able to calmly listen to what Sam is saying and move on.  Unfortunately, yesterday it took a couple hours of arguing for me to realize what was happening and back off.  Even then, it still took the entire day for me to gain some control over the situation and also reassure Sam that I indeed was listening to what he was saying.  Today, I am exhausted.

Yesterday he did tell me that he thinks we should visit some assisted living facilities here in Anchorage to get an idea of what is out there if we decide to go that route. Hearing Sam talk about that was extremely difficult for me as I want him here at home but it might not be the best option when the time comes.  Obviously that remains to be seen.

And no, we still do not (or at least I do not) know the actual results of the CT scan.  Still waiting for Sam to pick up the report at the hospital.

As for me, usually by Friday I am completely exhausted. Work is extremely busy and Sam demands my attention in the evenings when I get home.  Sunday evenings, because we live for the weekends, are spent rushing around doing laundry and attempting to clean house.  When Brian was here I told him cleaning is not a priority because I just have too many other things which are priorities.  Sam piped up with a "her Mom told me when we got married that she is not very domestic..."  Thanks Mom, although as I tried to explain to both Sam and Brian, I do not really think my mother was saying I do not clean, I think she was trying to convey to Sam work and play are much more important to me than staying home and cleaning house. One of these days I hope to hire a house cleaner, or rather, condo cleaner, and then I just will not have to worry about it again.

Ok, I am rambling.

Ciao!

Yeah. Ok. Whatever. Me, upon Sam calling to say the doctor had called.

Although we were to hear first thing this morning on the CT scan results, we did not hear until this afternoon. Even now, though, I am not certain the CT scan results were actually relayed to Sam instead of something else.  Friday during chemo the nurse mentioned he might need a shot for the off-kilter hemoglobin.  She called him later on Friday to tell him, no, he would not need the shot.  This morning he was at the doctor's office picking up an insurance document and no one said a word about anything except giving him the document.  This afternoon the nurse called and said the results came back at 7:15 Friday night and that he does need the shot after all, so he is headed back over there right now.  I have yet to figure out if these results were from the CT scan or from the lab tests.  Who knows?  As of right now, I am going with there are no blood clots until I hear differently...and if I do hear differently, I will not be caught by surprise.

Have I ever told you how much I love roller coasters?

Ciao!

Patience is not my best virtue. My own thoughts today

Sam's chemo treatments are normally quite unexciting.  Today, though, he told the doctor (and finally me) that he is experiencing chest pain and has been for about 10 days, plus his hemoglobin count is off. They sent him for a CT scan because there is now cause for concern that he might have a blood clot in his lungs.  Since it is Friday...guess what...we will not know anything until Monday morning.  So, I decided that all of you will just need to wait right along with me.  Waiting is definitely the hardest part.

We are headed back to the Little Su since our camp trailer is still there; however, if there is any fishing done, it will be from the bank and probably not more than 20-30 minutes at a time.  He is tired and his skin kind of has a little tint to it.  Of course, it could just be me trying not to freak myself out.  

On that note...have a terrific weekend everyone!

Ciao!

The two best times to fish is when it's rainin' and when it ain't. Patrick F. McManus

Before I get started with our fishing adventures, there is one small thing I must discuss with my Anchorage friends.  If I ever see any of you pulling into the bike lane at 15th & Cordova to make a right hand turn, and then make that turn on red although there is a sign staring you in the face telling you a right turn on red is ILLEGAL and that the lane you are in is for bikes ONLY, I will be the first person emailing the picture of you doing that with your license plate number directly to the city, the police and anyone else I can think of! Also, please be aware that if I cannot obtain your license plate at that moment, I will chase you down until I am able to do so.  This morning I even honked at the guy who pulled right up next to me and pointed it out to him...whereupon I realized he is an EMT because he had his uniform on.  Unbelievable.  OK, I will stop here with my ranting and raving just because I want to move on and talk about other things but just know I am still worked up about this and it has been a good 12 hours since I saw this guy.

Sam fishing on the Little Su.

Sam and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this week.  We both agreed it does not seem that long because so much has happened in those 8 years.  Most of it has been fun although there have been a few blips on the screen, specifically Sam's cancer.  Plus, the Ducks not winning the BCS and Denver drafting Tebow, both of which hopefully are rectified in the very near future!

Silvers are slowly coming into the Little Su, one of our favorite fishing spots, so Sam decided he wanted to spend the week up there.  I spent the weekend and came home Monday morning for work.  Tuesday night I went back up and took Wednesday off from work to celebrate our anniversary, although it was one day late.  Sam had already been fishing and so I decided to go out Wednesday morning with some of our campground neighbors.  Good thing, too, because we all limited out.  We came home last night with 5 fish, 4 silvers (sockeye) and 1 humpy (pink).  Humpies are not at the top of our list, but if you eat them while they are fresh, they are pretty good.  We will probably end up canning it, though, and will share with Rocky the Cat because salmon is the next best thing to Heaven as far as he is concerned and he is not a salmon snob.

Sam came back to town with me this morning as he had labs in preparation for his chemo treatment tomorrow.  We will head back to the Little Su for the weekend, coming home Sunday night.  Helen arrives on Wednesday to spend a few days with us, so Sam is already focusing on what to do next week while she is here.  Seward is on the agenda for at least next weekend.

His weight seems to be leveling off and his appetite has picked up for which I am extremely grateful.  Fatigue sets in after a few hours, so he spends a lot of his time napping.  Overall his temperament is good, although I will tell you the grumpiness rears its ugly head at the most surprising moments.  Hopefully the current scenario of side effects are the worst we will experience, although I will reiterate I do not like the grumpiness at all.

As for me, life is great. Sam and I are happy, work is terrific, my boss is awesome, my colleagues are the absolute best and I live in one of the most incredibly beautiful states in the US.  What more can a person ask for?  One of these days, you must come visit.

Ciao!

It's exhilarating to be alive in a time of awakening consciousness; it can also be confusing, disorienting, and painful. Adrienne Rich

Yep, that is me, exhilarated to be alive, yet I just had a confusing, disorienting and painful awakening moment. As Sam walks across the room, I suddenly realize he is losing weight...and it is noticeable. It is common for cancer patients on chemo to lose weight, but if you lose too much, the treatment stops.  What is the definition of "too much" and who determines it?  Regardless, I need to somehow make sure he gets enough calories daily. But I digress, because I simply wanted to tell you the realization made me very sad.  No matter what is said or done, the cancer continues to progress.  I would give absolutely anything to have a healthy husband, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends.  Cancer is a terrible disease and it affects not only the patients themselves but every single person around him or her.

Sam and Lance Mackey, 4 time Iditarod winner and cancer survivor
August 2011

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day, just ask Lance Mackey!

Ciao!

I get along with all the women singers, but especially Dolly Parton. We talk the same hillbilly language. Loretta Lynn

My Aunt Deanna, who passed away last week after a gallant fight with cancer, always reminded me of a combination of the female country singers including Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, Emmylou Harris and Dolly Parton.  Music filled her home constantly and tomorrow music will fill the air celebrating her life.  It makes me very sad knowing I am not there with my family but I know in my heart Aunt Deanna understands why I am not.  Enjoy your never-ending bubble bath in the sky, Auntie Dee, as well as all the halibut you can eat.  I will miss you.

Sam's BFF left Saturday night on the red-eye.  What a week those two had, lots of fish and several bear encounters.  Here's a link to a video of one, at about the 4.5 minute mark is when things start getting exciting.  Lucky me chose to stay at the campground, so I missed the entire thing, thank goodness.  

Sam & Brian's Grizzly Encounter  

This is a black bear we saw our first night at the Russian River.  The grizzly encounter was our last night there.  OHMIGOSH is about all I can say.

During the week while I surveyed logging roads and did other fun work things, Sam and Brian hung out, fished, went to Seward, and basically seemed to have a good time overall.  It definitely was good for both of them to spend quality time together. 

The week prior Sam had his 2nd chemo treatment of Alimta and carboplatin.  We did deal with the fatigue factor during the week and Sam was pretty darn grumpy at times, but we all survived.  Sam spent a good deal of time explaining to Brian where he is at in his thought process regarding how he wants to be cared for when the time comes he is no longer able to care for himself.  Needless to say, because Brian is not with Sam constantly and Sam is adamant about his way of thinking, there were some tense moments between them.  It took some time for Brian to wrap his mind around where Sam currently is in his cancer journey and for Sam to relax and not be so insistent about making certain he got his point across, but in the end I think both realized no matter what, they are and always will be best friends and brothers.  It was very sad to say good-bye to him.

Sam's doing pretty good although late last night he did tell me his fingers and hands are swollen.  He experienced shortness of breath quite often over the last few days as well as feeling cold all over, too.  From what I understand, these are all typical symptoms of lung cancer patients regardless of whether or not they are on chemo.  

This last week we both celebrated our birthdays, another milestone we did not know if he would make or not, so they were true celebrations.  The end of the month will be our 8th anniversary and since next week is board meeting week at work, we will probably celebrate over the weekend, either before or after, or perhaps both!

Wildfire-induced haze darkens the Alaskan sky above the Susitna river. July 19, 2012 Loren Holmes photo

Alaska's sunsets are magnificent right now due to fires in Siberia and other east Asia countries.  We tried to take some sunset photos but none turned out, so I borrowed this one from the Alaska Dispatch. Enjoy!

Ciao!

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation. Brian Tracy

Many discussions Sam and I participate in usually end by with the same comment, "It's not as if you can hit a switch and turn it all off."  It certainly is not.  Most days Sam and I handle our situation fine, attempting to maintain as much dignity and grace as possible.  Then there are those moments when the reality of the situation really hits...and I am glad to say, that does not happen often, nor does it last very long.  That is when our attitude of gratitude steps in and reminds us of all the wonderful things we should celebrate, like the fact we live in Alaska and get to enjoy its bountiful and beautiful scenery every single minute of each and every day. More importantly, though, is for us to just continue moving forward, living life to its fullest.

This weekend, Sam's best bud since he was four is coming to visit us for a week.  My work is taking me to the Kenai Peninsula, so Sam and Brian will be tagging along, sort of.  They will be out showing off their fishing skills while I am out traipsing around in the mud, muck, and mosquitoes.  Somehow, that just does not seem very fair at all.  They will have a good time, though, and that is what is important.

Hiking the new trail behind the Talkeetna Alaskan Lodge that the
Student Conservation Alliance crews have been building for us.

Tomorrow is the second chemo treatment of this round for Sam.  The side effects so far have been minimal and I hope they continue to so.  As to whether or not it is working, only time will tell, I suppose.  His shortness of breath does not seem to have changed much, if that is any indication.

Sam volunteered to serve as an Election Worker this year for District 18 which should keep him busy for awhile.  The most challenging part will be the long hours on Election Day(s) since after about four hours, his energy level is gone. He will be exhausted, if nothing else.  Training is in a couple weeks, and luckily, it is only for a day. That will provide a good basis for deciding whether or not this is a good idea.

So, in case you have not heard, we did purchase a travel trailer last week.  It is awesome.  A cute little Keystone Hideout, just perfect for the two of us.  We took it out on a trial run last weekend and even took the cats with us.  Rocky, of course, loved every minute of it.  Sweet Pea, on the other hand, hid under as many pillows and blankets she possibly could.  Big tough cat of ours - quite the hunter, but sure is not very brave.  And the guy I live with who fought buying it suddenly took ownership and came up with a long list of things needed...so we spent all day last Saturday going to Target, Lowes, Fred Meyer, Home Depot, Walmart, and anywhere else he thought might have whatever it was that was on his list of "gotta haves".  Each evening this week I have barely hit the door and he is ready to go down and take me on a tour to see his project for the day.  Hmmmm.....yeah.

Loaded and ready to go when Brian gets here on Saturday.

It is fun to see him excited about something, though, that is the best part.

Work is very busy right now and for that I am grateful, plus, I finally found the job I have been looking for since I graduated from college.  Only took me 30 years!

So, again, just keep moving forward, be grateful for whatever life throws at you, and enjoy every minute of it!

Ciao!

It's a great day! Me...as we are opening the mail.

Just a quick note, yes, we purchased a travel trailer, and, even better, the results from Sam's MRI of the brain came back negative!  Yes!

Make it a great weekend everyone!

Ciao!

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Patience.  UGH.  Sam's MRI of his brain took place late this afternoon at the hospital on Joint Base-Elmendorf-Richardson.  Now the waiting begins and since this is a holiday week, we can only hope to be lucky enough to hear the results by Monday.  This part of the process I can definitely do without, especially since I am not known for my patience, although I will admit I go back and forth between wanting to know and not wanting to know if the cancer has metastasized to the brain.  Neither of us truly believe it has, but we have been caught by surprise before.

This evening at dinner Sam mentioned there was something he wanted to talk with me about.  Whenever he does that, my stomach moves to my throat and my heart starts pounding because you just never know what it is he wants to discuss.  Apparently he dreams at night about waking up and not being able to move any of his limbs.  He asked me to not panic if that ever does happen and to give him time to fully wake up and start moving.  It took a bit more discussion before I realized he does not mean just a few minutes, he means a few hours, possibly more, before I call 911.  In fact, he would prefer I not call 911 at all and just allow his body to do its thing, meaning he may or may not wake up.  If that happens, I am to call hospice and then wait patiently for whatever process his body is going through to end.  The conversation caught me by surprise and I found it quite difficult to look him in the eye for a few minutes as my eyes were unable to control their tears. Although these are challenging conversations for us to have, I recognize how important it is to him for me to understand what it is he wants when he is not able to convey those desires to me or anyone else.

Don't I look professional?

Last week I flew to the Johnson River area which is on the other side of the Cook Inlet to look at property my company owns. During the day, Sam realized that the possibility of me not returning was real as flying into the mountains anytime during the year is quite challenging.  When I arrived home, he was waiting with all kinds of questions as to where important documents were, who he would need to contact in case of emergency and probably another 20 questions.  I realized that although I have many things written down already, I do not have a list of people for him to contact if he does find himself in that position. If nothing else, for his peace of mind I should prepare a list for him sooner rather than later.

The flight to the Johnson River was stunning.  Our land is within the boundaries of the Lake Clark National Park (connected to one of those crazy ANCSA deals in the early 80s) and it is absolutely beautiful. Interesting thing, though, is that we saw very little wildlife and the area (at least, so we have heard) is well known for its bear activity and we saw none.  We did see the backs of a couple Beluga whales in the Beluga River (imagine that!) as well as eagles and a variety of other birds.  The scenery is breathtaking.

More importantly is that my Denver Broncos report for practice in 4 weeks and 2 days (but who is counting?)  Yes, it will mean summer is about over, but it also means football!  Just wanted to make sure y'all mark your calendars appropriately.

Ciao!