Friday night. In the past, Sam and I spent Friday nights racing to wherever our weekend retreat was. Tonight, we spent it at home, dealing with the most of exciting things in a person's life, constipation. Oh joy. He is in a vicious cycle, the more pain meds, the worst the constipation. The worse the constipation, the more pain meds are needed. There needs to be a better way.
Brian Mac arrived last night which made Sam quite happy, although there were times throughout the day today when Sam did not know how or why Brian is here...or for that matter, who Brian is. He is often very confused, such as the time a couple days ago when I could tell he was not very sure who I was. I asked him if he knew my name and he rattled some name off in Russian. It has been over 20 years since he was in Russia! His sense of humor right now is very funny albeit in an odd sort of way. How can anything be funny right now? On the other hand, laughter is the best medicine so he is doing the best he can without realizing it to make the transition softer for us. I wish I could share with you all the things he has said over the past few days which have made me laugh, but I just cannot. There are so many and then I have to take a deep breath to stop myself from immediately bursting into tears at the sadness of it all.
Sam does keep repeating "life is not fair." No it sure is not, but I refuse to play the victim, although I certainly have my moments - especially when he puts his arms around and tells me how sorry he is.
Most of the time now, though, he is only here in body. His spirit and mind are elsewhere. He told Brian and I he had a joke for us tonight. Neither of us could even begin to follow it let alone try to make sense of it and he thought it was really funny. I still have not been able to figure it out.
He is talking more and more of "upstairs", the "people over there," and other innuendos. I know it is only a matter of time, but who knows how much time exactly. I am just doing my best to keep him as pain free as possible in the meantime.
I already miss him.
q'ua
