Tonight, I just want my Sammy back. Rocky threw up all over the place, so I shampooed the carpet in various spots. Sam sat in his recliner and both cats burrowed in on top of him, scared out of their minds. It was absolutely adorable and I wanted a picture. I stopped shampooing, grabbed my iPhone and started to take a picture. Sam got pissed off, said no pictures, threw the cats off his lap, got up and stormed into the bedroom. I could not believe it. He then told me that I had blown it by not turning off a light which I knew shined into his face and then insisted on trying to take a picture when he had told me not to. At this point, I could not tell you if I did or did not. I am a complete mess. He went to bed about an hour ago and I have tried to relax and stop crying, and all I do is cry harder. I am so sad on so many different levels. I know he is not in his right mind and that is the most difficult part. I also know he realizes his behavior is crazy but he cannot stop himself in the midst of the anger and he is too proud to come back and apologize. Besides, by the time he sees me again after these episodes, he has long forgotten them and we have moved on. It is so incredibly painful.
Tomorrow I am going to call his doctor and beg him to not ever put Sam on carboplatin again and to also make sure when they do the PET scan next week, a brain scan is included. He told me earlier today he hurts all over. How can a person live like that? His quality of life right now just sucks. This is not our lifestyle, we are a glass half full family and we are not living like that at all. 
I wish I could snap my fingers and everything will be alright. This is pure unadulterated hell and I would not wish this on anyone.
These are the times I find myself freaking out wondering if Sam is ever going to get back to himself or if this is what we are going to live with for however long. I do not want this to be my last memories of him. He accuses me of only worrying about myself, so I suppose I am by saying this. It is quite selfish. On the other hand, I do not want him to have to live like this, either. It is awful. Absolutely awful.
We know so many of you are keeping us in your thoughts and prayers and we both greatly appreciate that. We ask you pray for Sam to be able to maintain a good quality of life in peace and in comfort.
q'ua
