There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. - Washington Irving

Happy New Year to all of you!  Never before have I been so grateful to have the new year come around.  As I told a friend tonight, the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas were downright awful and I am so very glad to have the holidays over with.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, the actual holidays, I spent with family which made both days much easier to deal with.  It was rather odd that I found myself feeling okay on each of those days, yet not so much on the days between the two.  I wonder what next year's holidays will bring?

Sam at the Iditarod Restart, 2012.

Each day I work hard to move forward without Sam and the struggle at times seems more than I can handle.  Then, I remind myself I am a survivor, I know I can do this, but it certainly does not mean I am happy about it.  I miss him more than I can even begin to put into words. The grief is a deep black hole within me that generates more pain than I ever imagined.  Some days it takes all my energy to just breath, let alone function.  Yes, I am burying myself in my work.  That is what I do and how my mind and body function.  I am okay with that if doing so is going to get me through this time.

Looking at pictures of him smiling make me smile, so I spend a lot of time doing that.  It truly makes me feel better.

Sweet Pea and Shadow still have not worked out their relationship.  She hisses and he chases her as a pay back.  Hopefully one of these days I will come home and they will be best buds.  It took Rocky and Sweet Pea a year to come to terms with each other, so I have to remind myself to be patient!

For those of you who wondered, yes, I wanted Oregon to beat my 'Horns.  Mack Brown is a great coach, but he should have done like John Elway and gone out while he was still on top several years ago.  Just my opinion.  Speaking of my Broncos, I do hope it is the Seahawks we meet in the super bowl.  It would seem just like old times!  My second choice is the Niners, just so you know. Just hope the right Broncos team shows up for the playoffs.  I did see the schedules for next year and the Broncos are coming to Seattle.  Guess what is now on my calendar?

q'ua

“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Nothing like marking time.  First in days, then weeks, and soon...in months, followed by years.  The two month mark came and went the other day and as I commented to a couple friends, it seems like time has flown by, yet the moments of grief seem to creep by and I wonder how long they are going to last because the pain is deep, intense, and sometimes literally doubles me over.  Thankfully I know those will ease in due time as well.

I have been staying busy, traveling to see family and friends, watching football, having heart attacks over my Denver Broncos (HELLO?!?!?!?!), and most importantly, hanging out with Sweet Pea.  She continues to walk around at night crying, searching each and every room when I get home from work looking for Sam and probably Rocky.  Makes me very sad I am unable to tell her they are not here, yet I often wonder if she is able to see and hear things I am not because she certainly acts it sometimes.  Then again, this is Sweet Pea aka Little Turd we are talking about.

One thing I discovered is the amount of paperwork which keeps appearing is simply absurd.  For awhile it seemed like for every document I completed and submitted, five more appeared. And just when you are sure you are done...well...all I can say is, do not get too cocky.  Just today I found two more documents I need to complete and reminded myself of another item on the to do list I have been putting off.  Plus, I am still working on thank you notes for all the flowers, donations, cards, food, and everything else everyone did for both Sam and I. It is going to take awhile, mostly because my motivation level just is not what it used to be.  Eventually it will return.  

Also today a colleague voiced concern about me coming home to an empty house every night. I found myself telling her that it is okay because I just truly do not feel like being very social right now.  Like I mentioned before, I am staying very busy, but it is just me, or just me and Sweet Pea.  It is difficult to explain and I do not want anyone thinking I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself and crying my eyes out because that is not the case.  Mostly I just do not feel like talking to anyone, although I am always pleased when friends or family call even if I do not answer.  From what I understand, this too shall pass.  It is just part of the grief cycle and I have to let myself go through it. Book club is this weekend as is the Breath Easy Breakfast, so I will be getting out and about with my girlfriends and I am really looking forward to both events.

More than anything, I miss making memories with Sam.  People keep commenting on how much we crammed into the time the we had together.  We truly did a lot and created a boat load of memories.  Unfortunately, I am the only one enjoying the memories, yet I am so very grateful I have them and no one can take them away from me.

Plus, I think Sam is standing on the Oregon sidelines, if you know what I mean.  I am sure God and he had a long talk about how it is high time his Ducks won the BCS.

q'ua

Shake, rattle, and roll! What we did this afternoon in the upper Cook Inlet region.

Wow.  Anchorage experienced an earthquake today and a good one at that.  5.7-5.9 depends on who you ask.  http://www.aeic.alaska.edu/Seis/recent/sub/quakes/2012339_evid10612174/evid10612174.html
The CIRI building is a fairly new one so there is no damage that we are aware of.  The length is what most frightened people, I think, because it lasted what seemed like a lifetime but probably ended up being only 45-60 seconds.  Oh boy!  

Sam making his homemade sourdough dinner rolls.

Sam and I enjoyed a relatively quiet Thanksgiving, Skyping with his mom and sister, and with my parents and one set of my many aunts and uncles.  We watched a lot of football (if you can imagine) and otherwise, stayed home.  Anchorage headed into its November deep freeze which we have yet to come out of.  Sam cooked and I grazed the entire day.  Perfect day, if you ask me.  Thanksgiving is my favorite meal to fix, however, Sam enjoys it too, so I am quite happy to just let him do his thing.   

He is feeling pretty good, although standing on his feet all day on Thanksgiving did wear him out.  Took him a few days to recover from that.  His "happy pills" are making a huge difference in his mood, which is extremely pleasing to me.  On the 26th, Sam saw his oncologist who told him some of his issues are "age" related.  Hmmmm...wonder what he meant by that?  The next CT exam is scheduled for after the first of the year, so until then, no doctors visits, tests, or anything unless something happens which requires a doctor.  Hopefully it will be a quiet holiday season for us.  Unless, of course, there happens to be more earthquakes.

In football news, the Ducks are going to the Fiesta Bowl, the Longhorns are playing the Beavers in the Alamo Bowl (I will be yelling for the winning team), Boise State Broncos are going to the Las Vegas Bowl and my Denver Broncos are kicking butt.  All things football are good.

In case I do not post before December 8, Happy Hanukkah!

q'ua

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?” – Kahlil Gibran

Well, I am keeping this short tonight because 1) I am exhausted; and 2) the Ducks are playing.  

That being said, the results are better than anticipated, but like Sam keeps repeating, they really do not change anything.  The liver is fine, the progression in the lungs is slower; however, there are a few new "hot spots" with one in the T10 vertebrae and 2 new spots in his pelvis.  The doctor told him the crazy things Sam is experiencing are side effects from the chemo and typical symptoms of lung cancer (no one has ever really told him that before that I am aware of.)  

When I asked if he felt some relief, he replied with a "not really" and then went on to explain, as I noted above, it does not really change anything.  No, it certainly does not, but it does give hope to live a bit longer.  This down mood really needs to disappear.  

Last May before the chemo began, we decided to try to go to Hawaii in January.  Those plans went by the wayside during the chemo but tonight he said he would like to try and go.  So, it is back on the calendar but we will not make any plans until after the first of the year.

Sam sees the doctor again in a few weeks, then is not scheduled to go back for another month  or so after that for a CT scan on his lungs and abdomen.  

There you have it.  All is "good" for now, but as you all know, in the cancer world, things can change on a dime.

q'ua

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes. Don Marquis

What a week.  That is about all I can say about it.  One minute things seem much better and the next they are not.  My friends in the online support group which I am a part of sadly confirm that I am not alone in dealing with the crabbiness.  Certainly does not make me feel any better, though. As people have heard me say this past week, this really sucks.  It is really sad, too, that this is the part of the cancer journey no one talks about because no one wants to make the cancer patient "look bad".  My thought is, there have got to be better ways  to handle this situation but no one is truly willing to address it. Very frustrating since it is not a matter of making the individual look bad, it is a matter of finding a better way to handle a simply awful situation. Admittedly, I probably am feeling a bit sorry for myself but it is not fun being the sounding board for someone else's anger.

However!  Nikki arrived the other night and we are now in Valdez searching out silvers (coho).  Tomorrow we are headed out on a boat.  Friends who were not here last week fished three days and went home with seven fish.  Not good odds.  Hopefully we will catch our limit and we will all go home happy.

Today we fished off the rocks, saw no silvers but plenty of humpys (pinks) and chum spawning and basically looking like zombie fish in the water.  Of course, I had to snag one and then could not shake it off my line.  Had to pull the darn thing in and fight to get the hook out of it.  All I can say is that it was totally gross.

Sam has not gotten much sleep the past few nights so hopefully he will tonight. He did manage a power nap late this afternoon, though. Thank goodness we have this cute little travel trailer and we are warm and dry.  Southcentral Alaska is supposed to be getting dumped on this weekend.

Well, we are off to check out the boat we are headed out on tomorrow.  We have to be up and ready to go at 6:30, so it will definitely be an early evening for us as well.  I promise...pictures!  And yes, we will be back in time for the Oregon game.

Ciao!