The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. Alan Watts

Plunge into it.  A couple weeks ago I began going through Sam's closet with no real goal in mind other than to at least begin sorting through things.  There is a constant fear of with each item I remove, a little bit of Sam goes with it.  Although one part of my brain tells me his memory will always be with me, another part tells me holding onto the tangible things makes it even more so.  

This grieving thing is really no fun at all.  In all other aspects of my life, I am very happy which makes the grieving even more difficult.  The loneliness which goes with it is simply indescribable.  At various times I have attempted to describe it to others and most people do not understand, although there is always a valiant attempt - mostly it is "well, I would go do this or that with you..." which is very kind but that is not the issue. The loneliness is from my life partner no longer being here in person.  Sam and I each had roles to play in our marriage, little things like he would pick out the vegetables at the store while I hit the dairy aisle. Or, big things like cooking.  He cooked, I ate.  Worked out very well for the both of us.  Do not get me wrong, I was single for a long time and know what it is like to do things on your own.  But when you have a partner, you seem to be able to do more, and now, I do everything alone again.  Eventually I will figure out what things I want to continue doing and what things I do not.  It is all a process but it really sucks.  There is just no other word for it. 

Sam at the 2011 Iditarod start in Willow.

Speaking of cooking, sourdough pancakes were one of Sam's specialties and this morning I made my own for the very first time ever and I have to admit, I impressed myself.  Sam would have been proud!  He made a starter when we first moved to Alaska and it has been going strong ever since. I do have to remind myself to check on it weekly (another of those "Sam" chores I inherited.)

 

In case you are unaware, the Iditarod is well underway and is on a record setting pace.  Aliy Zirkle, you go girl.  If Sam had been healthy, we would have been very involved with the race, definitely volunteers along the route.  Maybe I still will be, but not be for awhile.  Just is not the same.

The Alaska Clean Air Challenge is now 2 months away and my fundraising efforts are not what they should be!  So I just might become shameless in my efforts.  Please consider either joining the Glass Half Full team and riding with us or contributing to my personal fundraising in memory of Sam.  Click here to do either:  http://action.lung.org/goto/djglass.  I have a long way to go to reach my goal and any contribution, no matter how big or small will make a huge difference in the fight against lung disease.

Merna, fishing is right around the corner!

q'ua