Two years ago today proved to be the most challenging day of my life to date, even more so than the day we were given Sam's stage IV lung cancer diagnosis. We were four months into learning about the diagnosis and we were both still working to wrap our minds completely around what was happening to us. I had quit one job because the stress of both dealing with work and dealing with the initial absolute craziness of cancer was more than I could handle, and started another after a two month hiatus only because Sam realized he could no longer work. Friday afternoon I was sitting in my office and received a text from Sam saying that he had moved out. He did not even have the decency to call, only text, which told me many things. I do not remember much about that day except the stress, the panic, and everything else a person experiences at moments like that, hit me full force. I could hardly even talk. The worst part was, I did not really know anyone in my office as I had only been there about six weeks and did not know where to turn or what to do. I called my therapist and she was incredible because I was an absolute basket case, and I also called a mutual friend of ours. At that point in time, not only was I grieving for losing my husband to an illness over which we had no control, but I was losing my husband because he claimed he could not live with me anymore and needed to get away. We had already been in intensive counseling for four solid months; however, it was apparently not enough. Today, we both understand that he just needed to get away from everything or he was going to burst, as the saying goes. Neither of us understood that two years ago, we just both knew we were suffering more than either one of us could bear. I did not hear from him all day on Saturday, then on Sunday morning, he texted and asked me to meet him for breakfast, which I did. During the entire meal, I was afraid to say anything, but he had a lot to say, mostly in anger. His biggest fear was that I would not support him, that I would not listen to what he wanted, and therefore, when he is actually dying, I would be doing what I wanted, not what he wanted. All I could think was, why would I do anything other than what he wanted? Convincing him of that, though, has been an ongoing challenge for me. He finally came home late Monday night, but not before he made me promise I would listen to and act on what he wanted when it came to dealing with the cancer. I was so scared I would never see him again, it brings tears to my eyes even now.
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| Forget where we were going, but we were at the airport waiting to leave. |
The reason I am telling you this is that I want to make you aware that this behavior is common for cancer patients, and more than likely all terminally ill individuals. From what we have learned because of the struggle with losing the ability to control their life, the patient focuses on controlling whatever and whomever they can to make up for the loss. We have come a long, long way in two years and I no longer have any fears of Sam leaving like that again. If nothing else, even though we struggled with the issues of that weekend for many months, we are much stronger as individuals and as partners than ever before. This is also a very long, and at least partial, explanation as to why we are able to maintain (at least for the most part) positive attitudes, because we know that no matter what, we have already been through the worst life can throw at us. Now, we need to turn this negative into a positive and live the best lives we can for as long as we can as a team, not as two separate individuals on the same journey. The sad part about all this is that there are many couples who do split up after a terrible diagnosis like this, mostly because the stress is simply quite unbelievable from so many different angles and there is absolutely no way one could ever be prepared for anything like this. My heart breaks for everyone suffering from cancer as I know only too well what you are going through. I wish I had words of wisdom to make it easier, but I do not, except for faith, hope and love.
On that note, today, two years later, we are doing terrific. Sam spent the day making tentative summer plans for us, filling in more of his bucket list. We hope to be able to take the Alaska Ferry to Kodiak for Memorial Day weekend and be a part of the Crab Festival. He also signed up to take a Japanese course at UAA in the fall. There is great hope for the future!
Ciao!
