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| Nikki kissing her first Alaska salmon. |
Alaska experienced its first major storm of the season, the 4th big one of the year. Normally we do not get these until winter when the ground is frozen and there is several feet of snow on the ground. Basically the storm is Alaska's equivalent of a hurricane, so we really should be naming these storms. At a meeting I was at the other day, a gentleman sitting next to me noted since it was the 4th major storm of the year and since my name starts with a "D", it should be named "Dara." Oh yes...if he only knew...or maybe he does! Gave everyone at my table a good laugh, I must admit.
Sam is sleeping a lot as a result of the chemo. Last week at his support group, he learned of a recent study proving ginseng helps with the fatigue from chemo. 2000 mg/daily for 8 weeks is required before a chemo patient begins to see results. Eight weeks is a long time, especially in my book. Tonight his mood finally seems to be less agitated than earlier in the week and for that I am extremely grateful. Of course, as you might already be aware, Xanax is my best friend right now and that helps me stay somewhat calm and less defensive which makes a huge difference in how we handle the unhappier moments.
The support group I am involved with has had a difficult week. Yesterday a member of the group lost her husband and today another did. There are probably a dozen or so in the group and we have been together online for quite awhile. This morning when I read about yesterday's death, it hit me really hard. As I was attempting to write a note to my friend, I could not stop crying. She is now experiencing what I dread. Then, to receive a second email this afternoon about our other friend...I had to close my office door for a few minutes. I know when the time comes for me, I will recognize it as a blessing for Sam in that he will no longer be in pain, but I will be alone without my best friend and partner. Luckily, I was single for a long time, so I know I will be okay, but that does not make it any easier. Needless to say, tonight I am exhausted.
I am so glad tomorrow is a new day. Enjoy it to the fullest, I plan on it.
Ciao!
As I progress along the same path as Sam (but much slower)I recognize a lot of the same markers. For instance, I go through much confusion about the ordinary things around life. I use to think this was just a result of the medicine, if not the chemo, then something else. Perhaps pain killer.
ReplyDeleteBut I am changing my mind. Surely, the chemo and the pain meds are part of the setup for the confusion. But I now believe there is another package in there. Part of it might be physical, that the cancer messes with the body functions, especially endocrines, giving false readings to the brain's understanding of what is happening. The brain has been trained to interpret these readings one way. Then, suddenly, the meanings of these readings jumps the track, bringing a totally different and false understanding to the brain. That is one part of the confusion.
Second, because these readings are invalid,the brain tries to re-comprehend the truth. It does this by distrusting every signal it gets, including love touches from persons who love the "C" patient.
This whole thing is very similar to Alzheimer's. And in any C case, eventually the meds will be changed, bringing a change in the meaning of the signals from the C itself. That part is horrible, and very often misread.
For example, the signals of my prostate cancer were very plain, but I and the doctors mis-read them entirely for nearly 15 years. My inability to stop urination was described as a result of my obesity, or diabetes. In the meantime, the prostate was growing and growing, pushing against the urethra and messing with my control. My PSA was building, but that was supposedly a result of my diabetes. I had a very difficult time starting the flow, but that was supposedly a spinal cord issue. I pushed a doctor into approving a biopsy, and it was almost totally clean. Only ten years later, when I suddenly could not start the flow, did I get a second biopsy. I had advanced cancer. And I am still confused. My mind still plays tricks on me. It tries to tell me this is all a dream, and I really just have some diabetes and heart issues. And I sucker into that nonsense repeatedly.
In other words, something about the C system gives my mind a false reading of reality, including my relationships with family and friends. Thus C impacts family, friends, community, job, everything.
So hang in there, and use everything you can to keep your mind on the real truth.