Here we are. Another new chapter in our cancer journey. The chapter I dread the most. This past Thursday the palliative care doctor visited us from the VA for four hours. Many topics were discussed, the main one being where to go from here. Sam's pain will never be alleviated, but it can be managed. To manage it effectively, Sam chose to go into hospice. So either tomorrow (Monday) or Tuesday, hospice will visit for another assessment. In the past three days, Sam and I have talked about more things than in the past 9 years combined. Sadly enough, the hospice decision brought us much closer. We have shed many tears together and separately. I can hardly walk down the hall without tears coming to my eyes. Thank goodness we addressed many end of life issues when Sam was initially diagnosed so we do not have to do that now. , And how do we know we are making the right decision? When Sam said hospice, the doctor did not even attempt to dissuade us. That in and of itself told me oodles because in order to qualify for hospice, two doctors must state that your life expectancy is less than 6 months. Again, it does not mean it cannot extend beyond that time frame and it does not mean that Sam cannot change his mind somewhere along the way. However, by the doctor not even offering up one argument told us a great deal.
Have I told you how much I love my job? I love it even more because I have been told to work because I want to not because they need me to. I want to. Desperately and will continue for as long as I can. If Sam's pain level becomes manageable without him becoming completely "loony" he could be around for quite some time. Another reason for me to continue working.
Also on Thursday, Rocky, our big tough black cat who I have had since he was about 4 weeks old, went to be with his brother, Yukon. Nothing like a double whammy on the same day. He was so sick we should have put him down a long time ago and I have a lot of guilt for allowing him to go on for as long as we did. He is safe and at peace now, though. We all miss him.
This is all I can write for now. I know I will be okay as I was single for many, many years and I can and will do it again. Does not mean I want to, though, without Sam. That is for sure.
q'ua
