Nothing like paying the price for forgetfulness. me.

For someone who preaches to live each day to the fullest, I somehow managed to lose that focus and it is affecting my relationship with Sam to degrees I never imagined.  Tonight I received a sharp wake-up call and I aim to get back to that mantra quickly. It is like I got into a kind of lull regarding his illness instead of staying aware of the fact he could be gone in 5 minutes.  Sadly enough, it took a huge argument tonight for me to fully understand what is happening.  Spending my time being depressed is not a wise thing, either, but I do need to get back to live each day like it is your last mindset in order to keep things like tonight from happening again - very depressing, in case you are wondering.

I have no idea why I felt the need to put this out there, but that is what I am doing.  It is so interesting that Sam has yet to read my blog, his only concern is that I am honest and not misleading about his cancer, that I am not making incorrect statements about what is going on with him.  I do not believe I am, or have, but it is all in the eye of the beholder.

Terminal illness does such awful things to individuals and affects anyone and everyone around them in ways unimaginable.  When I attempt to put myself in Sam's shoes, it is difficult.  

More than anything, I want him to be comfortable, at peace, and enjoying a good quality of life.  Right now, I am not doing a very good job of making that happen and it is because I lost my focus.

So very grateful this day is over, and yet, so grateful Sam was finally able to get through to me the issue. 

He apparently slept a lot more than usual today, still does not feel good, and tomorrow is chemo.  I thought the sleeping was a good thing and he tells me the amount he slept is not a good thing which worries me.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Thank goodness.

Ciao.