No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one. ~Elbert Hubbard

That would be me!  Although we just got home Sunday morning (very early, I might add) from our vacation, I am more than ready to go again.

Waimea Canyon aka the Grand Canyon of the Pacific

Sam handled the traveling fairly well, much better than either of us anticipated.  The snorkeling, on the other hand, proved to be a bit more challenging than he anticipated, but luckily he quickly figured that out.  Once we got home, the exhaustion set in and he is still recovering today, 2 days later.

Sam & Dara, Kauai 2013

Just before we left, Sam received the results from his last CT scan.  The doctor told him there was no change from the scan Sam had 3 months ago.  Honestly, I never know whether or not to believe this or not since I do not go to the doctor appointments with him, so I only have to go on what he tells me.  From my previous experiences at these appointments with him, I can say Sam often does not hear everything that is said.  But if he says there has been no change, that is what I go with.

So many things happened in the world while we were on vacation!  Just to name a couple:  My Denver Broncos lost a heart breaker - luckily it was the first full day of our vacation so I rebounded quickly!  Chip Kelly left the Oregon Ducks for the Philadelphia Eagles - Sam seems to be dealing with that just fine.  Priorities.  We will be yelling for the Niners in the Super Bowl because west is best, don't ya know?!  Plus, the Niners are Sam's favorite NFL team although Seattle ranks right up there, too.

Work is going really well for me, in case anyone is wondering.  I still feel the same about it when I was hired, it is like the job I have been searching for all my life; and now, I am no longer searching.

q'ua

Happy New Year!

A new year!  And as several people pointed out to me, this year is the first time since 1987 that the year is made up of 4 different digits.  Your trivia for the day.

13-3.  Broncos.  'Nuff said.

Christmas 2012

Sam and I enjoyed ourselves the past couple weeks, watching football, relaxing, praying for snow, watching football, praying very hard for snow, watching more football, and praying even harder for snow.  Anchorage received a bit and then after our long unending deep freeze, the weather took a crazy turn and we headed for a tropical punch.  Pretty crazy.  Some snow is still on the ground, but not much. And because we want true warmth and lots of sunshine, we made our plans the other night and Sam and I are headed for Kauai in a week or so.  Our apologies to all our friends and family on the mainland. This is a good time for me to get away because although work is very busy right now, in a few weeks, it is going to be even more so getting ready for summer.

Admittedly, I am slightly nervous.  Ok, more than slightly.  Sam's energy level is pretty much next to nothing and because I know I will drive him nuts constantly looking at him to make sure he is still breathing while we are on the plane, I need to find something to keep me very busy or just flat out asleep.  He mentioned last May we should make this trip but I did not dare follow up on it.  The last time we flew he experienced difficulties but hopefully this time he knows what he needs to do in order to not let those things happen.  He says he does and I believe him.  I think.

Friday is his 3 month CT scan since the chemo ended.  Next week we will learn if the chemo slowed the progression in his lungs or not.  Because of this crazy roller coaster ride we are on, I refuse to get my hopes up one way or the other.  Or perhaps a better way to put it is hope for the best and expect the worst.  That way, I will not be disappointed.

Christmas I experienced a few moments of wondering if this is our last together.  Granted, a person never knows when they are going to die, but most of us expect to live well into our 70s, 80s, and 90s, not our 50s.  I only allowed myself to go there a few minutes with Sam and then we both pushed the thought out of our minds and went on with the evening.  Unfortunately, though, the thought is always there.  I see it but I choose to only recognize it.  This was our fourth Christmas living with the cancer and each year is getting a bit easier.  Perhaps I am at a plateau with the grieving.  We shall see, I suppose, although everyone tells me (the doctors, my support group, etc.) that the more grieving I do on "this side" the less grieving I will do on "the other."  Have I mentioned that before?  I just experienced a de ja vu moment, so I apologize if so.

2013 is going to be a great year and I am truly looking forward to living life to its fullest to the best of not only my ability, but our ability together.  Making memories.

q'ua

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt is one of those people from history that if I could spend the day with, she would be one of my first choices.  She was an amazing individual and I could learn so much from her.

26 Glacier Cruise.
Wonder what those guys are looking at?

For the past month, it seems to have rained constantly here in southcentral Alaska and this weekend is no exception.  There are still several bridges out on CIRI land which we are slowly beginning to either repair temporarily and/or develop plans for permanent fixes.  As everyone is saying, we need to take advantage of this time to build better roads and bridges if we can.  And as far as I am concerned, YES WE CAN.

Sam is doing ok.  His final chemo treatment for this go round was Friday (I was thinking it was a week earlier, but obviously I was mistaken.)  He is sleeping a lot this weekend which is normal and pretty much keeping to himself.  Of course, it probably helped that yesterday I did not get up until about 10, hung out for awhile, then left for about 5 hours.  It was not my intention to be gone for so long, but it certainly worked out well, probably for both of us.  He is complaining about ongoing chest pain and no one knows if it is from the tumor behind his heart, the multitude of other tumors throughout his lungs or what.  A PET scan is scheduled for October 17 and then he will see the doctor on the 18th.

College Glaciers

Sea or Harbor Otters

Sea Lions

The anger is still there, thankfully not as forceful as it was earlier.  Even though people in the medical field and  other caregivers say this anger is common, especially among men Sam's age and stage of cancer, it certainly does not make it any easier to deal with.  I am so lucky that work is extremely busy and creates an escape for me; however, I do often forget to prepare myself for anything when I come home from work and that does create a few intense moments, sometimes lasting for the entire evening and into the next day. It is a learning lesson, to say the least.

The other day I took the trailer in to be winterized and started wondering what next summer will be like.  Sam struggles walking but forces himself to keep going because he understands that exercise is not only important, for him it is imperative.  I sometimes wonder if that is really what all this anger is about, that he is unable to do all the things he likes to do.

More than anything, I am just extremely glad this chemo is over.  If he decides to do more, I hope it it is without the carboplatin because I am convinced that is what is behind the personality change.

Anyway, enough of that!  How about those Oregon Ducks?  And Oregon State Beavers?  And darn those Longhorns!  Losing to West Virginia?  All I can say is...they better not lose their next game as it is OU Weekend (for all you non-Longhorn fans, that would be Oklahoma).  You can lose all the games in the season, just do not lose to Oklahoma.  Needless to say...we have had some pretty down years in Austin. And now, my Denver Broncos.  Hopefully they can win two games in a row.  Peyton looked awesome last weekend and I only got to see it in replays!

Whittier, Alaska

Speaking of last weekend, we were on the final glacial cruise of the summer out of Whittier.  If you have never taken one of those cruises, I highly recommend that you do.  It is phenomenal.  Our fourth time and we still saw things we had not seen previously. It truly is stunning.

q'ua

“Courage is like a muscle strenghthened by its use.” Ruth Gordon (the late actress)

Sam is either the bravest man I know or the craziest man I know, or possibly a little of both.  Hints about various aspects of his current physical health have been dropped all week, and tonight is no different. "My left eye is kind of blurry."  Followed by, "I guess it's been that way a few days...maybe a week or so."  Hello?  Since when does "a few days" equal "a week or so?"  Either way, I did not react because that drives him nuts.  I calmly walked into my bathroom and proceeded to have a "moment" while processing what Sam had just told me.  At that point, I headed to the computer to google "blurry left eye lung cancer."  Needless to say, I should not have done that.  While I am sitting here silently freaking out, Sam is over in his chair, laughing with the cats, cheerful as can be just like life is normal, which in a way, I suppose it is.

On the other hand, now he is sitting over there telling me that perhaps the reason he is having these "head" problems is because his brain is tired from studying too much Japanese.  As a certain former half-governor often says, "You betcha!"

Rocky aka Garfield, taking his after dinner nap.
He is so black you can hardly see that
his head is  upside down.

After writing all this, I do feel better and it really is life as usual.  So many different things happen throughout the course of one's cancer journey, it is often referred to as a "roller coaster ride."  Therefore, overreacting to something is not in any one's best interest, especially Sam's or mine. Tomorrow, however, if he still is having issues, I will insist on him calling the oncology triage nurse to tell her what is going on.

Sweet Pea guarding her toys because she knows the
scary big green monster (the vacuum) is about to come
out of the closet and get her and all her toys!

As for me, one more week until the Clean Air Bike Challenge (http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass) and yes, I am ready.   Sunday is the Bike for Women and although it is only 9 miles (compared to 120 next week) the first half is downhill which means the second half is uphill.  What are the race planners thinking? No matter what it will be fun.

Our Memorial Day plans are made, we are headed to Kodiak on the ferry. If all goes as planned, because we are not able to get a ferry back until the following weekend, I will fly home on Tuesday morning and fly back to Kodiak Friday afternoon to get Sam and our truck back on the ferry Saturday to head home.  Yes, it sounds kind of crazy, but sometimes you just do what you have got to do.  He is very excited about spending a few additional days hanging out in Kodiak (city) and I hope it all works out for him and that I do not worry too much about him.

Ciao!

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs

Two years ago today proved to be the most challenging day of my life to date, even more so than the day we were given Sam's stage IV lung cancer diagnosis.  We were four months into learning about the diagnosis and we were both still working to wrap our minds completely around what was happening to us.  I had quit one job because the stress of both dealing with work and dealing with the initial absolute craziness of cancer was more than I could handle, and started another after a two month hiatus only because Sam realized he could no longer work.  Friday afternoon I was sitting in my office and received a text from Sam saying that he had moved out.  He did not even have the decency to call, only text, which told me many things.  I do not remember much about that day except the stress, the panic, and everything else a person experiences at moments like that, hit me full force.  I could hardly even talk.  The worst part was, I did not really know anyone in my office as I had only been there about six weeks and did not know where to turn or what to do.  I called my therapist and she was incredible because I was an absolute basket case, and I also called a mutual friend of ours.  At that point in time, not only was I grieving for losing my husband to an illness over which we had no control, but I was losing my husband because he claimed he could not live with me anymore and needed to get away.  We had already been in intensive counseling for four solid months; however, it was apparently not enough. Today, we both understand that he just needed to get away from everything or he was going to burst, as the saying goes. Neither of us understood that two years ago, we just both knew we were suffering more than either one of us could bear. I did not hear from him all day on Saturday, then on Sunday morning, he texted and asked me to meet him for breakfast, which I did.  During the entire meal, I was afraid to say anything, but he had a lot to say, mostly in anger.  His biggest fear was that I would not support him, that I would not listen to what he wanted, and therefore, when he is actually dying, I would be doing what I wanted, not what he wanted.  All I could think was, why would I do anything other than what he wanted?  Convincing him of that, though, has been an ongoing challenge for me.  He finally came home late Monday night, but not before he made me promise I would listen to and act on what he wanted when it came to dealing with the cancer.  I was so scared I would never see him again, it brings tears to my eyes even now.

Forget where we were going, but we were at the airport waiting to leave.

The reason I am telling you this is that I want to make you aware that this behavior is common for cancer patients, and more than likely all terminally ill individuals.  From what we have learned because of the struggle with losing the ability to control their life, the patient focuses on controlling whatever and whomever they can to make up for the loss.  We have come a long, long way in two years and I no longer have any fears of Sam leaving like that again.  If nothing else, even though we struggled with the issues of that weekend for many months, we are much stronger as individuals and as partners than ever before.  This is also a very long, and at least partial, explanation as to why we are able to maintain (at least for the most part) positive attitudes, because we know that no matter what, we have already been through the worst life can throw at us.  Now, we need to turn this negative into a positive and live the best lives we can for as long as we can as a team, not as two separate individuals on the same journey.  The sad part about all this is that there are many couples who do split up after a terrible diagnosis like this, mostly because the stress is simply quite unbelievable from so many different angles and there is absolutely no way one could ever be prepared for anything like this.  My heart breaks for everyone suffering from cancer as I know only too well what you are going through.  I wish I had words of wisdom to make it easier, but I do not, except for faith, hope and love.

On that note, today, two years later, we are doing terrific.  Sam spent the day making tentative summer plans for us, filling in more of his bucket list.  We hope to be able to take the Alaska Ferry to Kodiak for Memorial Day weekend and be a part of the Crab Festival.  He also signed up to take a Japanese course at UAA in the fall.  There is great hope for the future!

Ciao!

It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter, it feels like years since it’s been here, here comes the sun. -song Here’ Comes the Sun, Beatles

Summer is just around the corner and here is proof, the bears are starting to come out of their dens.  This past week the big excitement (besides the election issues) has been the sighting of a black bear in Bicentennial Park.  The crazy thing is, the snow is still rather deep, as the bear is almost standing on top of the interpretive sign.  http://www.adn.com/2012/04/13/2421834/spring-bear-in-bicentennial-park.html#id=2421828&view=large_view  The bear is on the same trail Sam and I go snowshoeing on in the winter and hiking/biking on in the summer.  Just makes life a little bit more exciting.

Our first snowshoe trip into Byers Lake Cabin #3.

Sam enjoyed a day out on Friday with a friend of ours from home.  Thank you, Lee, for taking Sam out snowshoeing!  He was quite talkative when I finally got home and, I must confess, I was not the best audience for all he had to tell me.  That is one of the things I really need to work on, especially since there will come a time when I will not have the pleasure of coming home to find Sam excited and full of energy about his day.  We had a long talk about that today, as a matter of fact, and we both need to adjust a bit - he needs to give me a few minutes when I get home and I need to be more willing to sit and listen.  My promotion at work means a higher level of responsibility and activity, so my brain is usually fried by the time I get home.  We will figure it out, though, so we just need to keep moving forward.

He still seems to be having issues with pain in his upper thigh and pelvic area. This next week when he sees the doctor, he is really hoping the doctor will say, ok, let's try the Alimta again, even though Sam and the doctor both said no more last December.  The nausea seems to be doing better since the doctor put him on an anti-nausea medication.  Thank goodness!  We never knew when it was going to hit, so every meal was a race against time to get things fixed and ready to go before the nausea set in.

As for me, 4 weeks from today is the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Challenge.  Today I picked up new tires, pedals and shoes at REI and I am hoping tomorrow Sam will have the energy to put them on for me.  My fundraising has been very successful, thank you to all who have contributed.  Because it has been so successful, I have increased my goal and I am hoping there are still others out there who want to donate.  http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass will tell you all about it.  The Glass Half Full team is training hard!

Ciao!

Why are you obsessed with fighting? Stick to fishing from now on. -- Tim Rice, lyric from Jesus Christ Superstar

I need new gear!

Today excitement reigned supreme because the new Cabela's catalogue showed up and  it is all about fishing.  We have to purchase new boots this year because felt bottoms are no longer legal.  So, I opened the catalogue fully prepared to spend oodles of money on girl gear...and guess what.  To my utter disgust, only one page, actually make that 1/2 page because it states "Men's and Women's sizes available", is geared towards females.  ARGH.  If only I had more time and more money, I would open a sporting goods store specifically for women.  Not the tennis/swim wear stores like we already have or REI, but a real honest to goodness sporting goods store geared towards females.  Drives me nuts.  And oh yes, the second thing would be NO PINK IS ALLOWED.  What is up with that?  Pink waders?  Not in my world.  And yes, I have friends who wear them but I do not allow them to stand anywhere near me while fishing.  Anyway, there is my rant for the day.  As you can probably tell, fishing is on my mind.  A lot.

We will be doing a lot of fishing on the Kenai Peninsula this year as well as in Seldovia.  We can hardly wait.

Sam did not do much today except work on his Japanese lessons.  He is almost like a bull dog right now with those things.  Very focused.  His spirits are good, as always, and he seems to be feeling well right now, too.  Although so far we have not figured out why whenever he eats, his nose just starts running uncontrollably.  It is the oddest thing.  Writing about it is making me laugh because it just sounds so weird, but it is very true.  So if anyone has any ideas...let us know, please!

Work is extremely busy for me and is only going to get busier with summer coming on.  I am also the contact person for my company for wildfires.  With the snow pack we have had this winter, hopefully fire season will be fairly quiet, but we shall see.

Anchorage is still reeling from the election boondogle the other day.  It will be very interesting to see how this plays out.  Personally, I think a do-over would be a good idea with the Federal Election Commission overseeing the whole darn process.  Just my opinion!

Ciao!

"The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life." ~Brian Tracy~

Another bright and sunny day in Anchorage but where's the warmth that is supposed to go with the sunshine?

Sam spent a couple hours at the shelter today and I am sure the dogs loved walking outside with him. Or maybe he loved walking outside with each of them more.  Who knows?  He is always in a great mood in the evenings when he's had his dog therapy.

Yesterday I noted Sam searched for a place to purchase some new glasses; however, I did not mention the reason why.  The other morning he told me his vision is getting a little bit fuzzy and he is needing to wear his glasses all the time. When he told me this, that little voice of panic inside me started trying to decide if this is due to age or to other possibilities, including the cancer's arrival in his brain. I do believe it is that good ol' aging factor, but that other possibility hangs in there and probably always will until the end. Since the cancer has spread to pretty much everywhere else in his body, the odds are good it will one day spread to his brain. I have to admit that thought lives with me day in and day out. I just try not to focus too much on it because it does not do either one of us any good if I do.

Hiking Flattop for the first time.  May 2008

Tomorrow he sees Dr. Rabinowitz ( www.alaskaoncology.com). Sam always has interesting tidbits to tell after he sees the doctor, but it usually takes a couple days for me to get it all out of him.  I am not sure why, but perhaps it's because Sam has to wrap his mind around it all first and then filter it before he tells me.  Who knows...all I know is that it drives me crazy because I want to know now!  I always get a little anxious before each appointment because we do not know what the doctor is going to say.  On the other hand, he has already told us there is really nothing more that can be done at this point unless a clinical trial becomes available.  So Sam just continues taking the Tarceva in hopes that it is doing something.  Even if it is not, I think it is another of those mind over matter situations.

We are headed to Homer for the weekend as I have Monday off in honor of Seward's Day.  One of our favorite places to visit.  Last weekend was the first fishing derby of the season.  We were hoping it was this weekend because we are ready to fish.  Last year we had way too much fun and plan on having even more this year.  I can't wait!

Now I am getting all excited and won't be able to go to sleep thinking about fishing.  How crazy is that?

If only it would warm up a bit.

Ciao!