A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. - Marjorie Kinnan

Before I get started, let me just say...BRONCOS! 

Last night I had an epiphany of sorts.  Sam hardly said a word to me all day and had his headphones on listening to music while watching football.  At first I misunderstood the situation thinking that he was attempting to completely ignore me.  However, after watching him for awhile, it suddenly dawned on me he was practicing pain management skills taught to him through the palliative care program at Providence.  I asked him how he was doing and for the first time, he told me he was in a great deal of pain.  The immediate change in my attitude was amazing.  It was a complete turnaround from being sad, disgusted, angry, scared and all those negative emotions, to being empathetic, concerned, caring - emotions and feelings I seemed to have lost the past couple months reappeared.  I do not want Sam to be in pain.  Having him tell me straight up that he is in a great deal of pain tells me he is in more pain than you and I can ever imagine because he has an incredible pain threshold.  As to exactly where this pain is, he did not tell me; however, it is probably throughout his entire body which leads me to my thoughts today.

Helen getting fishing tips
from her dad at Bird Creek.

During the course of the cancer journey, you are constantly fed a vast array of information which you slowly digest, allowing it to sink in and then it does not seem to reappear until the necessary time when it is needed most.  During our visit to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, the doctors walked us through a timeline of sorts, listing events which might happen at various times.  One of many things discussed is when there is no more treatment available and/or the pain level is just too much to maintain a good, or even decent, quality of life.  Sam and I have had this discussion several times, but it has been awhile so it is not in the forefront of my mind.  Until today, that is, when I suddenly recalled what the doctors told us.  Often, depending on the patient's request, hospice is called.  Not because the end is near, but because hospice provides a much higher level of pain management which cannot be offered through palliative care or the doctor's office.  Today, I began preparing myself for that possibility.  Please understand that I am preparing for the worse and hoping for the best when I say this.  

Sam's PET scan is Wednesday and we are scheduled to receive the results on Thursday.  Sam will then be faced with making a decision based on the results, the doctor's recommendations, and hopefully a discussion with me.  No matter my opinion, though, it is entirely up to him as to where we go from here.  Throughout the past 3 years, Sam has maintained he does not want to live in pain. Initially we discussed in-depth the options, including moving back to Oregon or Washington where assisted suicide is legal, researching the pros and cons of medical marijuana (which is not available to purchase in Alaska, you have to grow your own and needless to say, that is where I put my foot down at the time), morphine in some form, or whatever is available.  The bottom line is he does not want to live in a world of pain.  Today at work, I shared my tears and my fears with some of my co-workers and because I do not want to cry again right now, I am not going to write any more on this subject tonight.  There will be plenty of time later to share whatever route he chooses to take.

Tonight he does seem to be in a much better mood, thank goodness.  I prayed long and hard over the weekend for the anger to subside and I am hoping it has.  It will take some time for the chemo to work its way through his body and I just need to remember to be patient.

So many of you have called, written, emailed, texted, whathaveyou, and I greatly appreciate every bit of it.  It certainly has made it a little easier to handle and I am slowly starting to accept my marriage will never be the same again, no matter what.  But that does not mean I do not love Sam any less.  In fact, I probably love him more because that is about the only thing I can do.

q'ua