We become what we think about all day long. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson is so right, we do become what we think about all day.  Therefore, I will be thinking of myself as being 5'6" tall and 20 pounds lighter.  That should take care of that.  :)

In two days we will finally know who our president will be for the next four years.  No matter who wins, it is our responsibility and duty as citizens of the United States to do just that, unite behind our president and support him (or her!) and not whine, complain, or degrade our leader.  Vote and be proud of your vote, and if your candidate does not win, support the winner no matter what.  This negative talk must stop or our country will suffer even greater loss.  Remember what Mr. Emerson said..."We become what we think about all day."  Be positive and supportive, we can and must do it if we want to continue to be a global leader.

Sam's ultrasound results came back with nothing abnormal found. We have yet to really discuss it, but for myself, I cannot decide if I am glad or what.  In a way it is good to know there is nothing, yet on the other hand, what are we missing?  It is quite possible the pain is a side effect from the chemo and will slowly disappear over time but, again, it is quite possible the pain is something which needs to be addressed.  A person could go crazy worrying about the what ifs.

Sweet Pea on her lazy Sunday afternoon nap.

With each passing day, Sam's mood does get better.  He is still sleeping a lot and not getting out and about like I think he should be, but I am not the medical expert nor did he ask my opinion (whatever is up with that?)  Last week while on a call with the kids, he described his cancer as having four different parts which I find interesting.  The four parts are:  1) the cancer itself; 2) the side effects; 3) the symptoms; and 4) the mental/emotional issues. Although they are all tied together, separately they seem easier to deal with and to think about.  Just food for thought. During that call I also learned he is taking 3 months off from treatment, will have a CT scan in December or January on his chest/abdomen, and from there will decide what, if anything, will be next.  Apparently there is a clinical trial which he might qualify for which is for those patients who developed a resistance to Tarceva, which includes Sam.  From what I understand, the doctor is trying to get Sam qualified in case he decides he is interested in participating.

As for me, I am feeling much better although the tears seem to flow much easier these days.  I suppose my mind is finally getting wrapped around the state of affairs; or, my thoughts are becoming compartmentalized and I am dealing with life as I normally do.  That statement seems a bit redundant and I am now rambling.  Exercise truly makes a difference and after attending this morning's American Lung Association's breakfast, I now will be training for the Clean Air Challenge bike ride in the spring.  The Ducks, Beavers, Longhorns and Denver Broncos all won this weekend, too, which made it even better! Work is going gang-busters and I still love my job which is awesome and I am very grateful for it.

This week saw much destruction on the east coast and many of our friends and family were, and still are, without power and some are without homes.  Mother Nature has a way of reminding us we are not in control, so if you are not prepared for emergencies, I would recommend you take 30 minutes in the next few days and get yourself prepared.  You just never know when and where that emergency gear will come in handy.

For those of you wondering, the earthquakes in the Queen Charlotte Islands off of British Columbia were not felt in Anchorage.  They are too far away, 893 miles or 1437 kilometers to be exact.  Nor did we experience the tsunami.  Weather wise this week turned out to be a bit boring compared to previous weeks here.

q'ua

“Never allow a person to tell you 'no' who doesn't have the power to say 'yes.'” Eleanor Roosevelt

Sam visited with his oncologist today who confirmed what we thought regarding the conclusions from the CT scans.  The Tarceva is no longer effective and on June 13 Sam begins a chemo regimen much like the one he was on last fall, Alimta every 3 weeks.  The only difference is that the Alimta will be mixed with Carboplatin this time.  The goal is to control the growth and metastases of the pulmonary tumors.

The nurse told Sam his heartbeat is high but that is almost expected at this point.  As he talked on the phone with me I could really hear the shortness of breath he is starting to experience as well.  Yes, I admit, it made me really sad.  His attitude, as I have stated before, is phenomenal so I chose not to point out the breathing to him; otherwise, I would have ruined his day and mine.  He did tell me that getting started this morning took him longer than ever before.  We will adjust our schedule accordingly so that I do not leave before he is up and moving around.  Getting up early on Saturday to go fishing might prove to be a challenge!

Be sure to thank a Veteran this weekend.  

Ciao!

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. – Mark Twain

Sam and I went for a leisurely Sunday drive today - only 230 miles roundtrip - to Eureka, Alaska.  Normally, the wind at Eureka is, well, let's just say if Eureka were a city, it definitely would be the "Windy City" rather than Chicago.  Since it is a lonely roadhouse with a few cabins, it is a great stop along the way to Glenallen.  We decided to drive there for lunch and it was beautiful.  The Matanuska River is starting to come alive, fresh snow is on the glacier, and the best part, no wind!  The snowmachiners (snowmobilers for you Outside) had a poker run at Lake Louise today, so we shared the roadhouse with many of them.

At the Matanuska Glacier overlook today on the drive to Eureka.

Yesterday I managed to talk Sam into going to the gym with me.  He did not exercise much this week and he needed to get his body moving and get the blood circulating.  Today as we were driving, he finally told me he is experiencing a new pain in the middle to lower part of his left lung which is why he did not do much this week. Of course, with my family history, my first thought is the heart...and then...what in the heck is he doing telling me this when we are already 40 miles out of town?!?!  I then remind myself it is difficult for him to tell me about new issues, so driving down the road when he does not have to look me in the face is much easier. This new pain, Sam believes, is from a new tumor his GP talked about a year ago. Whether or not it is, we will not know until the next CT scan which is not scheduled for a couple months yet.  No matter what, new pains and new tumors are a part of the process.  We hope and pray the Tarceva has slowed the process down, something we will never truly know since non-small cell lung cancer - adenocarcinoma of the lung, is generally thought to be slow growing anyway.

Sweet Pea giving me the evil eye stare down.

I know he is in pain when he is very quiet and that is how the entire conversation got started.  Sam did not hardly say a word for the first half hour and I finally commented about the silence. The challenge for him is determining how painful it truly is because he is already on pain meds, so asking him to rank it on a scale of 1-10 is simply unreasonable on my part.  Instead, I secretly maintained a silent vigil watching him out of the corner of my eye and listening to him breath to determine for myself how painful it truly is.  He seemed a bit uncomfortable, so without the pain pills, it is probably a 6 or 7.  With the pills, it is probably a 1 or 2.  When Sam swam for the UofO, he learned a relaxation technique which he still uses today.  It has proven to be a life saver for him and he used it today.  That really makes a difference as well and makes the pain and other issues much easier to tolerate. Rather than fight the pain, he acknowledges it and controls it rather than vice versa.  He is amazing.

Of course, upon returning home, Sweet Pea met us at the door and immediately began giving us a piece of her mind that we left her alone with Rocky.  She gets very anxious when we are both gone for more than a few hours and is quite relieved when we return since she is the true caregiver in the family, don't you know?  I am fairly certain she is much more worried about Sam being gone than me because she hardly notices me when I come home from work.  Unless it is time to eat, of course, then I am the chosen one.  I count on her to tell me when Sam is truly not feeling good and she does a fine job of that.

We had a good weekend altogether and are looking forward to a good week as well.  The snow is melting rapidly and, although it is probably wishful thinking, I hope we have seen the last of it.

Ciao!

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. -Erma Bombeck

Mt. Augustine at sunset.

Home after a long weekend away.  Sam and I had a great time in Homer, and the weather could not have been better.  Well, maybe a few degrees would have been good, but nonetheless, we had a terrific time.  There is not one place we have been to in Alaska which we have not liked, and Homer is definitely one of our "more" favorites.  The scenery is simply amazing.
The state of Alaska has three different programs in which you can purchase land from the state.  Currently, two of those programs are in process.  The first is the land sales auction in which specific areas of land are put up for sale and you can bid on those properties.  As in regular auctions, the sale goes to the highest bidder.  In the second program, the state lists various parcels of land which have not yet been surveyed.  Residents can then stake land within those parcels for a recreational use cabin.  The resident will then lease the land for a period of time and then purchase at the fair market value once the survey and appraisal have been completed.  Since the day we decided to move to Alaska, Sam has wanted to participate in one of these programs and build that cabin every guy dreams of in some remote spot off the grid.  Up until Sam's diagnosis, I was fairly supportive of this (although...I did have my qualms about a few things, such as walking in 11 miles to some remote spot that may or may not have any dry land to speak of...) Anyway, Sam is back to having a strong desire to do this.  Hence our discussion, especially since some of these lands are in the Homer, southern Kenai Peninsula area.  We discussed it indepth several times throughout the weekend and Sam was never able to get me to agree to it for several reasons, and they all relate to his health.  For example, if we purchase or bid or stake out the land right now, it will take at least one summer, if not two, to clear the land for at least some type of foundation.  Sam's physical health does not allow him to put forth as much strength as he used to.  I would not be able to help because I would be working, meaning either he is out there alone (!!!) or some buddy of his is out there with him (!!!!!!!)  It would involve digging post holes many feet down, pouring concrete into the post holes or pad, and all this after he, or they, have cleared away all the trees, brush, whathaveyou.  By the time this is completed, a few years from now, Sam's health is probably going to have deteriorated much more, or he might not even be here.  Which, if you know where I am headed, means I now have another piece of property I am probably never going to go to (we already have one in New Mexico) yet I will not want to give it up because it is part of Sam's dream.  We had a few miles of total silence in the truck since we were having the final discussion as we were headed home.  Me trying to figure out how to compromise and Sam trying to work through all his emotions.  Finally, he broke the silence by telling me he understood where I was coming from and what I was saying.  It was very difficult for both of us at that point, needless to say.  Plus, I do not want to discourage him from pursuing a goal.  However, this is one goal which for right now, just does not make sense in any manner whatsoever. I felt very sad at that point, and still do, and hope we can figure out a way to have that cabin or yurt or whatever out in the middle of nowhere while Sam is still around to enjoy it. Only thing is, we are going to have to win the lottery soon in order to make it happen.

I am very grateful he wants to get out and do things.

Sam's health seems to be doing pretty good right now, although he did admit to me over the weekend that for some reason his hips/pelvic area seem to constantly be cold. We wondered if it was nerve related or circulation related so we walked a lot trying to get his body going again. He has not said one way or the other about how he is feeling now, although he has on several layers of clothes, so I am thinking he is still cold.  In addition, the rash from the Tarceva is all over his chest and back.  It is probably the worst I have ever seen it.  We are grateful for the rash, as it means the Tarceva is working, however, it certainly is uncomfortable for Sam.  He tries not to scratch it, but I catch him doing it all the time.

As for me, I spent the day at the FERC scoping meeting for the Susitna-Watana Hydropower Project (another word for "dam").  It was a project started and stopped in the 80s and now the current governor has renewed it. Part of my job is staying informed on projects like this, especially since the land the dam and reservoir will be on belong mostly to my company and its village corporations.

All in all, things are going well!

Ciao.

"The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life." ~Brian Tracy~

Another bright and sunny day in Anchorage but where's the warmth that is supposed to go with the sunshine?

Sam spent a couple hours at the shelter today and I am sure the dogs loved walking outside with him. Or maybe he loved walking outside with each of them more.  Who knows?  He is always in a great mood in the evenings when he's had his dog therapy.

Yesterday I noted Sam searched for a place to purchase some new glasses; however, I did not mention the reason why.  The other morning he told me his vision is getting a little bit fuzzy and he is needing to wear his glasses all the time. When he told me this, that little voice of panic inside me started trying to decide if this is due to age or to other possibilities, including the cancer's arrival in his brain. I do believe it is that good ol' aging factor, but that other possibility hangs in there and probably always will until the end. Since the cancer has spread to pretty much everywhere else in his body, the odds are good it will one day spread to his brain. I have to admit that thought lives with me day in and day out. I just try not to focus too much on it because it does not do either one of us any good if I do.

Hiking Flattop for the first time.  May 2008

Tomorrow he sees Dr. Rabinowitz ( www.alaskaoncology.com). Sam always has interesting tidbits to tell after he sees the doctor, but it usually takes a couple days for me to get it all out of him.  I am not sure why, but perhaps it's because Sam has to wrap his mind around it all first and then filter it before he tells me.  Who knows...all I know is that it drives me crazy because I want to know now!  I always get a little anxious before each appointment because we do not know what the doctor is going to say.  On the other hand, he has already told us there is really nothing more that can be done at this point unless a clinical trial becomes available.  So Sam just continues taking the Tarceva in hopes that it is doing something.  Even if it is not, I think it is another of those mind over matter situations.

We are headed to Homer for the weekend as I have Monday off in honor of Seward's Day.  One of our favorite places to visit.  Last weekend was the first fishing derby of the season.  We were hoping it was this weekend because we are ready to fish.  Last year we had way too much fun and plan on having even more this year.  I can't wait!

Now I am getting all excited and won't be able to go to sleep thinking about fishing.  How crazy is that?

If only it would warm up a bit.

Ciao!