Each blog seems to get more and more difficult to write. There is so much I want to share, but finding the right words is proving to be more challenging than I ever dreamed.
Today Sam reached another milestone (if you can call it that) in his end of life process. Urinating became extremely painful so he is now the proud owner of his very own catheter. The fascination of the process on his part is amazing. He kept asking for the process to be explained over and over again, and still tonight he is completely mesmerized. Finds it amazing he does not need to leave the bed to relieve himself.
His oxygen level is very low at this point. I am contemplating doing away with the concentrator and just going with straight O2 as the O2 seems to bring his oxygen level up considerably. We will see what the next day or so brings.
The hallucinations continue, too. He is with me one moment and somewhere else the next, but I am always a part of the goings on. Tonight he asked if I was upset because "they" forgot to ask me my opinion. I have absolutely no idea about what, but he was very concerned that "they" blew it. And then at dinner, I sat to his left and he focused on the space to his right. He told me he was trying to figure out who those people were sitting there looking at him. I wish I knew myself but I think I can name some of them, like all of our grandparents - his Grandmother Smith, especially.
The change in Sam the past week almost caught me by surprise. His hospice nurse told me one day that in her experience, those with the slow growth cancer often have the quickest decline. Sam is living up to that. With the amount of pain he is in from the tumors in his lungs, the cancer in his pelvis, hips, femurs, spine and lymph nodes, plus the blood clots, I do not want him to suffer. As each day passes by, I become more and more at peace with our situation. Today I told a couple people at work that my grieving now will be much shorter than many people anticipate as I have been grieving for four solid years. My grief will turn to celebration for Sam as he will no longer be in pain, but will be at peace.
My heart will always hurt, though, please do not make a mistake about that.
For those of you who are wondering, Sam wishes to be cremated. There will be a service at Fort Rich National Cemetery here in Anchorage and then at some point, there will be a Celebration of Life in John Day and I will spread some of his ashes in the John Day Valley.
Pray for peace.
q'ua
