“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Kennedy

This morning I woke at 3:30, completely freaked out from a dream I had about Sam.  Took me all day to realize what the problem is and that is today marks 13 weeks since he passed, tomorrow is the 3 month mark.  My ability to compartmentalize the pain is sometimes too effective!  That all being said, today I chose to stop wearing his wedding band.  The first few minutes of not having his band on my finger were a bit odd, I felt a huge pang of guilt, and then I forced myself to stop thinking about it and just move on.  Day 1 is over and I am ok with my choice.

Last weekend Sweet Pea (the cat) and I adopted a new cat to replace Rocky.  Now, instead of being lonely, Sweet Pea is spending her time hissing to make sure the new cat knows who is boss.  And yes, we have yet to name the little guy.  Perhaps you have some ideas?  He is pure black, about 3 years old and is extremely friendly.  He is beginning to chase after Sweet Pea and it is hilarious because now she takes off running.  Turn about is fair play!

These pictures are from our trip to Eagle, Alaska, July 4, 2010.  It is located on the Yukon River and became one of our favorite places in Alaska.  The people are so friendly and we had a great time.  Eagle is a 13 hour drive from Anchorage, most of which is on a gravel road, better known as the Taylor Highway, Anchorage to Tok to Chicken to Eagle.  Immediately upon arriving we were invited to the community potluck so off we went.  Just like home!  Luckily we brought lots of carrots and celery with us to eat so we took them as our contribution.  The residents told us next time to load up our truck with watermelons because they would buy them and we would be able to pay for our trip.  In other words, fresh fruits and veggies are hard to come by there being so far from grocery stores.  Yes, there is a very small community store but the selections, not to mention the prices...ohmigosh. Eagle's 4th of July celebration is awesome.  Trap shoot across the Yukon, softball tournament, parade (I am pretty certain all 200 residents were in the parade), crafts fair, and a water dunk contest along with the community potluck.  Fun times to be had by all!  Unfortunately, we ended up leaving quickly on Sunday night when the thunderclouds started forming.  Being from eastern Oregon, we knew what they meant, so we hightailed it out of there about 10pm.  We were very lucky as the storms were very bad, the road washed out and was not repaired until the following year.  I am looking forward to going back, maybe even in the winter to experience the 30 below weather.  Ok...maybe not...but maybe...

q'ua

Nothing like paying the price for forgetfulness. me.

For someone who preaches to live each day to the fullest, I somehow managed to lose that focus and it is affecting my relationship with Sam to degrees I never imagined.  Tonight I received a sharp wake-up call and I aim to get back to that mantra quickly. It is like I got into a kind of lull regarding his illness instead of staying aware of the fact he could be gone in 5 minutes.  Sadly enough, it took a huge argument tonight for me to fully understand what is happening.  Spending my time being depressed is not a wise thing, either, but I do need to get back to live each day like it is your last mindset in order to keep things like tonight from happening again - very depressing, in case you are wondering.

I have no idea why I felt the need to put this out there, but that is what I am doing.  It is so interesting that Sam has yet to read my blog, his only concern is that I am honest and not misleading about his cancer, that I am not making incorrect statements about what is going on with him.  I do not believe I am, or have, but it is all in the eye of the beholder.

Terminal illness does such awful things to individuals and affects anyone and everyone around them in ways unimaginable.  When I attempt to put myself in Sam's shoes, it is difficult.  

More than anything, I want him to be comfortable, at peace, and enjoying a good quality of life.  Right now, I am not doing a very good job of making that happen and it is because I lost my focus.

So very grateful this day is over, and yet, so grateful Sam was finally able to get through to me the issue. 

He apparently slept a lot more than usual today, still does not feel good, and tomorrow is chemo.  I thought the sleeping was a good thing and he tells me the amount he slept is not a good thing which worries me.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Thank goodness.

Ciao.

Fishing tournaments seem a little like playing tennis with living balls... ~Jim Harrison, Just Before Dark, 1991

Helen (daughter #2) arrived Wednesday evening and we promptly took off for Homer as my work took me to Ninilchik, Anchor Point, and Homer Thursday and Friday.  Helen's goal...to catch a fish as she is her father's daughter.  The challenge is that fishing in Alaska is not what it has been in prior year's, so the pressure was on.  Sadly, though, she is headed home tomorrow without catching a fish, but as she says, memories were created and that is what is most important.  Check out the video of Sam giving Helen fishing lessons at Bird Creek today, the last stop before we got home in hopes of maybe catching a fish.  Sam did hook a couple, lost one and the other was snagged which he had to let to go (Alaska State Law).

So proud!

Seward's Silver Salmon Derby started yesterday and we did not know that until our arrival late Friday night to spend the weekend.  As soon as we figured that out, we all bought our derby tickets for Saturday in hopes of catching the big one.  We fished in several different places, but the best was Lowell Beach.  We were there in the middle of the day just lazing around, no one really catching anything.  In fact, I sat down for a bit and then decide to give it one more try...and bam!  I had one on and hauled it in before Sam even realized what was going on.  Once I caught mine, all the men on the beach rushed out to start fishing because you know...there is nothing worse than being outfished by a girl.  Of course, I insisted on registering my silver salmon (Coho) with the Derby judges and for a quick 30 seconds, I was in 2nd place with an official catch of 7.91 pounds, 1st place at that point was 7.95.  Darn it!  Then, Mr. 10.72 pounds showed up and that moved me into 3rd place quite rapidly. Those two were caught by people on boats, so I was, and still am, quite proud I caught mine on the beach.  Helen is certain I am going to win the prize for the biggest one off the beach.  That would be awesome (and would shut a certain person who lives with me up...just sayin'....)  By the end of the Derby, there will be many silver salmon well over 10 pounds but my few seconds of glory were very exciting.  And no, in case you are wondering, Sam nor Helen caught anything in Seward.

Clouds over Resurrection Bay.

Helen has not seen her dad in over a year and I am so glad she finally decided to come for a visit. It is difficult to convey to the kids how Sam is doing, even though they have already been through this process with their mother.  They need to see him, though, and he needs to see them. All three kids are in college, though, so it is a challenge for them to get to Alaska from Virginia and still have a few days to spend here with us.  Nikki is coming out over Labor Day weekend and we have yet to figure out plans for Alex.

Sam seems to be doing pretty good although yesterday was a challenging day. Friday was the one week mark from his chemo treatment and each treatment so far either brings different side effects or different timing of the side effects.  We made it through, though, and that is a good thing.  On my part, I need to constantly remind myself of the chemo because I tend to forget and then sit there wondering what in the world has brought on this crazy behavior.  Once I am aware of what is happening, I am better able to get a grip on my attitude and not feel the need to rise up and fight back thinking I need to defend myself.  Rather, I am able to calmly listen to what Sam is saying and move on.  Unfortunately, yesterday it took a couple hours of arguing for me to realize what was happening and back off.  Even then, it still took the entire day for me to gain some control over the situation and also reassure Sam that I indeed was listening to what he was saying.  Today, I am exhausted.

Yesterday he did tell me that he thinks we should visit some assisted living facilities here in Anchorage to get an idea of what is out there if we decide to go that route. Hearing Sam talk about that was extremely difficult for me as I want him here at home but it might not be the best option when the time comes.  Obviously that remains to be seen.

And no, we still do not (or at least I do not) know the actual results of the CT scan.  Still waiting for Sam to pick up the report at the hospital.

As for me, usually by Friday I am completely exhausted. Work is extremely busy and Sam demands my attention in the evenings when I get home.  Sunday evenings, because we live for the weekends, are spent rushing around doing laundry and attempting to clean house.  When Brian was here I told him cleaning is not a priority because I just have too many other things which are priorities.  Sam piped up with a "her Mom told me when we got married that she is not very domestic..."  Thanks Mom, although as I tried to explain to both Sam and Brian, I do not really think my mother was saying I do not clean, I think she was trying to convey to Sam work and play are much more important to me than staying home and cleaning house. One of these days I hope to hire a house cleaner, or rather, condo cleaner, and then I just will not have to worry about it again.

Ok, I am rambling.

Ciao!