“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” ― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

The past couple of weeks, for whatever reason, have been more difficult than any others so far.  I do not share this with you for your sympathy, but for your understanding.  It is challenging to find the desire to write because all I really want to do is curl up in a hole somewhere and cry a good hard long cry.  The only problem is that I fear I would not be able to stop and I would just continue crying.  My heart hurts more than it ever has.

Sam during our  2012 winter trip to Lowell Point in Seward.

Work is very busy and tonight, as I sat at my desk finishing up a project, I realized I was alone in the office - everyone had already left for home.  It suddenly occurred to me I did not want to go home to my empty condo because Sam is not there.  I could not hold back any longer and so I sat at my desk sobbing hysterically for about 15 minutes, hoping and praying at the same time that no one would see me like that.  Now I am home and the tears continue while I beg God one minute to take care of Sam and the next begging Him to bring Sam back, all the while wondering how much more of this I can take.

As a friend noted over Thanksgiving, grief is a place that unless you experience it yourself, you truly do not understand.  I wholeheartedly agree.  It is a process which slowly I am working my way through while at the same time knowing it will always be there.

It is snowing and absolutely beautiful outside.  Although I know Sam is here with me in spirit enjoying it, I would rather he were here in person.  I need him.

q'ua