“Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.” Grandma Moses

Tomorrow marks two weeks since Sam's chemo treatment of Alimta and carboplatin.  He is actually doing quite well, although this morning he did tell me his hands and feet are tingling which means the neuropathy is probably beginning.  Neuropathy, as most of you are probably aware, is a side effect of this type of chemo treatment as well as a side effect of lung cancer. In addition, he seems to constantly be cold which really is not surprising, either, since the tumors in his lungs are affecting his circulation. His attitude, though, is still phenomenal and for that I am so grateful.  The personality changes are what concern me most about the chemo treatment and so far, so good.  Yeah for the little things!

He finally heard from the VA doctor yet who provided him a phone number to call to schedule the MRI which he plans on doing tomorrow.  Between my job and our weekend getaways, scheduling the medical things are a challenge which is okay with both of us at this point.

Fox Creek overflowing its banks and onto the empty parking area. 

Last weekend we ventured to Chitina to dipnet in the Copper. Sam refused to listen to everyone saying the river is running high, is very muddy, and no one is catching any fish.  We also went hoping to see Sam McAllister, one of the river guides who is from Prairie City, 13 or so miles from John Day where we call home in eastern Oregon.  Lo and behold, the river guides had closed up the day before!  We hiked in 2.7 miles on the Copper Highway to O'Brien Creek, sat on the sandbar for 30 or so minutes with our nets in the very muddy water, caught nothing, and decided to heck with this, let's go back.  Luckily, the day was gorgeous so the hike was awesome, although we were both very sore on Sunday and Monday.

Loading up the wagon which hauled our gear
along the Copper River Highway.

Thursday morning I have a meeting in Kenai, so we are headed down to the Russian River area for a few days, another river which is running high and fishing is not all that good.  Plus...there are bear issues, lots and lots of bear issues.  That should be fun and exciting!  Hopefully, though, Sam will catch at least one fish and be happy, especially since dipnetting on the Copper was not successful.

On the other hand, he seems to be really enjoying his summer so far and I could not ask for anything more.  We have plans to head towards Denali after the 4th, then back down to the Kenai Peninsula after that as my work will be taking me back there for a few days later in July. If I have not said told you recently, I really do love my job and so does Sam!

The snarky side of me came out the past few days, and for any of you who I took it out on, I apologize.  One of the things which drives Sam and I both crazy are the various comments which are made by very caring people who do not by any means intend to be rude or otherwise, they just do not know what to say.  At this point in the journey, it is almost like we are living with a chronic disease, yet we know that because the cancer is literally throughout Sam's body, there is no treatment yet available which will cure him.  A miracle is the only way, and yes, a miracle is entirely possible but only on God's terms, not ours.  Anyway, I digress (imagine that!)  We both recognize no one prepares anyone for times like these and therefore, no one learns the best things to say and/or do.  Sam and I discuss this all the time mostly because sometimes we are just amazed at people and other times, we are saddened.  More than anything, the best thing to do (in our minds, anyway) is to communicate and do not be afraid to ask questions.  If we do not feel like talking about our situation, we will tell you and ask to change the subject.  More often than not, though, we are happy to share as it is therapeutic for us and educational for you plus it tells us you truly do care.  However, do not start in with the "you're going to be just fine" line because that is a complete lie and makes the hair on the back of both our necks stand up because it means you have absolutely no idea of the situation we are in, nor do you really care.

Dipnetting on the very muddy and
extremely high Copper River.

Ok, I could go on and on about this but I will stop now.  Enough of my ranting.

In case anyone is wondering, we are still tent camping.  The other day Sam told me when he goes camping, he wants to sleep outside, not inside of a house he brings along with him.  In the very next breath he told me if I really wanted a trailer/camper/motorhome to just go get one.  HA.  Yeah, I know how that works.  On the other hand, he said it...and I know the minute it starts raining and we are in the trailer, he will be extremely grateful. So, I am going shopping!

Ciao!

It's my life And it's now or never 'Cause I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)...Jon Bon Jovi, Lyrics from "It's My Life"

Today Sam and I officially celebrate our 4th year of living in Alaska!  Wow.  So much has happened and we have so much still to do.  Tomorrow night we head out for Kodiak, catching the ferry in Homer early Friday morning.  Both of us are really looking forward to it.

Knik Glacier from our secret overlook.

Our weekend at Knik River Lodge was fabulous.  No rain, no wind, some clouds, we could not have asked for more.  We hiked to a spot overlooking the Knik Glacier and the trail is quite primitive!  A little over 5 miles roundtrip and some spots required hand over hand climbing.  Our knees hurt like crazy the next day!

Although Sam's appointment with his oncologist is not until tomorrow, he picked up the results from last week's CT scans on his chest, abdomen and pelvis yesterday because we could not wait any longer.  It is not what we want to hear.  "Numerous bilateral soft tissue density pulmonary parenchymal nodules are present, increasing significantly in size and number from previous, too numerous to count bilaterally."  In other words, the tumors in his lung surrounding his heart, including the main one directly behind his heart, increased significantly in size and numbers since the prior CT scan 3 months ago.  Right now I am not going to venture a guess at what the doctor will say tomorrow.  It might very well be that he does not see this as serious as we do (there is always hope!) Or, he will confirm our thoughts.

In the past when things changed, it normally took 3-4 days for the both of us to wrap our minds around it.  This time, not so much.  We knew something changed but we did not know what.  Putting my thoughts into written words is proving to be a struggle for me.  Plus I do not want to be like the boy who cried wolf, yet I want you to fully understand the situation.

The doctors at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance told us this was a definite possibility which eventually would lead to Sam being unable to breath.  However, at this time, that is not a problem because, as Sam noted, his lung capacity is above average which is probably his saving grace right now. Otherwise, his quality of life would be suffering and we would be making other decisions.

No matter what, we are headed to Kodiak!

If time allows tomorrow, I will post a quick note as to what the doctor and Sam decide to do from here.

Ciao!

A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. ~ Ayn Rand

Three more weeks until the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Bike Challenge and yes, I am still riding in it, and yes, I am training. In fact, between riding to my office and a few other places in addition to riding on the Glenn Highway bike path, Sunday I rode about 20 miles.  Slowly but surely I am getting ready for my 120 mile ride.

Sam had his Zometa transfusion last week for the bone mets.  He was doing Xgeva, but for some reason which I have yet to figure out, he has gone back to Zometa which is what he was on originally.  His appointment with Dr. Rabinowitz is Wednesday.  Hopefully Sam will remember to tell the doctor everything, including the fact his legs tend to stay very cold.  There are several possibilities for this occurrence, mainly the mets to his lower spine, hips and pelvic areas.  So once again, we shall see.  His mood, though, is terrific and I could not ask for more.

Last Friday we drove to Lake Louise and spent the night.  Saturday we drove along the Copper River and then drove to Nabesna in the Wrangell-St. Elias National Park.  The drive was beautiful even though about 10 miles from the end, I was just a tad bit stressed out as I was driving through mud, melting snow, streams, and eventually just plain snow!  Sam drove the last mile or so into Nabesna which is all of a few houses, a runway and a true Alaskan lodge.  Here's a link to a short blurb on the road:  http://www.nps.gov/wrst/planyourvisit/the-nabesna-road.htm.  Caribou were crossing the road the first 10-15 miles or so, we saw close to 100.  It was amazing.  We did take pictures, just have yet to download them.  Before arriving home, we stopped off at a car wash because that was the most 4-wheeling we had done in ages.  Sam was very proud of how dirty I had gotten the truck!

Ciao!

 

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs

Two years ago today proved to be the most challenging day of my life to date, even more so than the day we were given Sam's stage IV lung cancer diagnosis.  We were four months into learning about the diagnosis and we were both still working to wrap our minds completely around what was happening to us.  I had quit one job because the stress of both dealing with work and dealing with the initial absolute craziness of cancer was more than I could handle, and started another after a two month hiatus only because Sam realized he could no longer work.  Friday afternoon I was sitting in my office and received a text from Sam saying that he had moved out.  He did not even have the decency to call, only text, which told me many things.  I do not remember much about that day except the stress, the panic, and everything else a person experiences at moments like that, hit me full force.  I could hardly even talk.  The worst part was, I did not really know anyone in my office as I had only been there about six weeks and did not know where to turn or what to do.  I called my therapist and she was incredible because I was an absolute basket case, and I also called a mutual friend of ours.  At that point in time, not only was I grieving for losing my husband to an illness over which we had no control, but I was losing my husband because he claimed he could not live with me anymore and needed to get away.  We had already been in intensive counseling for four solid months; however, it was apparently not enough. Today, we both understand that he just needed to get away from everything or he was going to burst, as the saying goes. Neither of us understood that two years ago, we just both knew we were suffering more than either one of us could bear. I did not hear from him all day on Saturday, then on Sunday morning, he texted and asked me to meet him for breakfast, which I did.  During the entire meal, I was afraid to say anything, but he had a lot to say, mostly in anger.  His biggest fear was that I would not support him, that I would not listen to what he wanted, and therefore, when he is actually dying, I would be doing what I wanted, not what he wanted.  All I could think was, why would I do anything other than what he wanted?  Convincing him of that, though, has been an ongoing challenge for me.  He finally came home late Monday night, but not before he made me promise I would listen to and act on what he wanted when it came to dealing with the cancer.  I was so scared I would never see him again, it brings tears to my eyes even now.

Forget where we were going, but we were at the airport waiting to leave.

The reason I am telling you this is that I want to make you aware that this behavior is common for cancer patients, and more than likely all terminally ill individuals.  From what we have learned because of the struggle with losing the ability to control their life, the patient focuses on controlling whatever and whomever they can to make up for the loss.  We have come a long, long way in two years and I no longer have any fears of Sam leaving like that again.  If nothing else, even though we struggled with the issues of that weekend for many months, we are much stronger as individuals and as partners than ever before.  This is also a very long, and at least partial, explanation as to why we are able to maintain (at least for the most part) positive attitudes, because we know that no matter what, we have already been through the worst life can throw at us.  Now, we need to turn this negative into a positive and live the best lives we can for as long as we can as a team, not as two separate individuals on the same journey.  The sad part about all this is that there are many couples who do split up after a terrible diagnosis like this, mostly because the stress is simply quite unbelievable from so many different angles and there is absolutely no way one could ever be prepared for anything like this.  My heart breaks for everyone suffering from cancer as I know only too well what you are going through.  I wish I had words of wisdom to make it easier, but I do not, except for faith, hope and love.

On that note, today, two years later, we are doing terrific.  Sam spent the day making tentative summer plans for us, filling in more of his bucket list.  We hope to be able to take the Alaska Ferry to Kodiak for Memorial Day weekend and be a part of the Crab Festival.  He also signed up to take a Japanese course at UAA in the fall.  There is great hope for the future!

Ciao!

It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter, it feels like years since it’s been here, here comes the sun. -song Here’ Comes the Sun, Beatles

Summer is just around the corner and here is proof, the bears are starting to come out of their dens.  This past week the big excitement (besides the election issues) has been the sighting of a black bear in Bicentennial Park.  The crazy thing is, the snow is still rather deep, as the bear is almost standing on top of the interpretive sign.  http://www.adn.com/2012/04/13/2421834/spring-bear-in-bicentennial-park.html#id=2421828&view=large_view  The bear is on the same trail Sam and I go snowshoeing on in the winter and hiking/biking on in the summer.  Just makes life a little bit more exciting.

Our first snowshoe trip into Byers Lake Cabin #3.

Sam enjoyed a day out on Friday with a friend of ours from home.  Thank you, Lee, for taking Sam out snowshoeing!  He was quite talkative when I finally got home and, I must confess, I was not the best audience for all he had to tell me.  That is one of the things I really need to work on, especially since there will come a time when I will not have the pleasure of coming home to find Sam excited and full of energy about his day.  We had a long talk about that today, as a matter of fact, and we both need to adjust a bit - he needs to give me a few minutes when I get home and I need to be more willing to sit and listen.  My promotion at work means a higher level of responsibility and activity, so my brain is usually fried by the time I get home.  We will figure it out, though, so we just need to keep moving forward.

He still seems to be having issues with pain in his upper thigh and pelvic area. This next week when he sees the doctor, he is really hoping the doctor will say, ok, let's try the Alimta again, even though Sam and the doctor both said no more last December.  The nausea seems to be doing better since the doctor put him on an anti-nausea medication.  Thank goodness!  We never knew when it was going to hit, so every meal was a race against time to get things fixed and ready to go before the nausea set in.

As for me, 4 weeks from today is the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Challenge.  Today I picked up new tires, pedals and shoes at REI and I am hoping tomorrow Sam will have the energy to put them on for me.  My fundraising has been very successful, thank you to all who have contributed.  Because it has been so successful, I have increased my goal and I am hoping there are still others out there who want to donate.  http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass will tell you all about it.  The Glass Half Full team is training hard!

Ciao!

Why are you obsessed with fighting? Stick to fishing from now on. -- Tim Rice, lyric from Jesus Christ Superstar

I need new gear!

Today excitement reigned supreme because the new Cabela's catalogue showed up and  it is all about fishing.  We have to purchase new boots this year because felt bottoms are no longer legal.  So, I opened the catalogue fully prepared to spend oodles of money on girl gear...and guess what.  To my utter disgust, only one page, actually make that 1/2 page because it states "Men's and Women's sizes available", is geared towards females.  ARGH.  If only I had more time and more money, I would open a sporting goods store specifically for women.  Not the tennis/swim wear stores like we already have or REI, but a real honest to goodness sporting goods store geared towards females.  Drives me nuts.  And oh yes, the second thing would be NO PINK IS ALLOWED.  What is up with that?  Pink waders?  Not in my world.  And yes, I have friends who wear them but I do not allow them to stand anywhere near me while fishing.  Anyway, there is my rant for the day.  As you can probably tell, fishing is on my mind.  A lot.

We will be doing a lot of fishing on the Kenai Peninsula this year as well as in Seldovia.  We can hardly wait.

Sam did not do much today except work on his Japanese lessons.  He is almost like a bull dog right now with those things.  Very focused.  His spirits are good, as always, and he seems to be feeling well right now, too.  Although so far we have not figured out why whenever he eats, his nose just starts running uncontrollably.  It is the oddest thing.  Writing about it is making me laugh because it just sounds so weird, but it is very true.  So if anyone has any ideas...let us know, please!

Work is extremely busy for me and is only going to get busier with summer coming on.  I am also the contact person for my company for wildfires.  With the snow pack we have had this winter, hopefully fire season will be fairly quiet, but we shall see.

Anchorage is still reeling from the election boondogle the other day.  It will be very interesting to see how this plays out.  Personally, I think a do-over would be a good idea with the Federal Election Commission overseeing the whole darn process.  Just my opinion!

Ciao!

To save man from the morass of propaganda, in my opinion, is one of the chief aims of education. Education must enable one to sift and weigh evidence, to discern the true from the false, the real from the unreal, and the facts from the fiction. Martin Luther King, Jr., The Purpose of Education

Civil Rights Memorial, Montgomery, Alabama

Forty-four years ago today, Martin Luther King, Jr., was assassinated, April 4, 1968.  I was seven years old, in 2nd grade and we were living in Pineview, Georgia.  Dad was assigned to three small country Methodist churches and during the week, he commuted to Atlanta to attend seminary at Emory University.  Mom stayed home with the four of us while Dad was gone 3 days/2 nights every week.  My parents, to this day, when talking about Pineview, say that is the first place where they truly practiced missionary work.  Just let your imagination run wild and you might be able to come close to what my family experienced as Yankees living in the deep south, and not just Yankees, but a Yankee minister's family to boot.  Rev. King's life and death symbolize to my family the ideology my parents struggled to teach others and managed to deeply instill in my siblings and me, the ideology which to this day continues to resonate strongly with my family.  It is because of this that yesterday's election quagmire here in Anchorage has been so difficult for me to acknowledge let alone accept.  If you do not live in Anchorage, here is a link to explain (as best one can anyway) yesterday's election scenario:  http://www.adn.com/2012/04/04/2407382/municipality-aclu-investigate.html.  How it is possible to run out of ballots in so many different places is simply unbelievable. That Anchorage might still be a community which allows discrimination is extremely disappointing. This all goes against my soul and I will never stop fighting for the right to vote and equality for everyone.  Interesting thing is, those are things Martin Luther King, Jr., was also fighting for 44 years ago.  Maybe that is how many years this beautiful city and state is truly behind the rest of the United States.  I do not know.  However, I will now stop discussing the election for tonight, but believe me when I tell you, it will not be far from my mind for a long time to come.

Sam is doing quite well today, he enjoyed a couple hours at the shelter and then came home to work more on his Japanese lessons.  He is getting closer to being ready to converse with others and was very pleased with himself as he received an 81% on completing the first of three sections today.  Good for him!  Tomorrow he will probably rest most of the day.  Going to the shelter two days in a row is generally too much for him anymore.  Last night he told me he might start working with the cats instead of the dogs.  That made me really sad for Sam, yet very happy for the cats.  My only thought was...well there is one way to drive Sweet Pea nuts.  All those other cat smells on his clothes?  She will go bananas.  Might be kind of entertaining, actually.

Ciao!

Love the one you're with. Stephen Stills

Tonight in Anchorage emotions are all over the place.  A nasty mayoral election is on tap for tomorrow (we voted early!), the legislature is attempting to make some tough choices in the next couple weeks before session ends and the entire state is up in arms about the oil & gas tax issue, there are several issues on tomorrow's ballot which are potential life changers for many people, but the biggest issue tonight on everyone's mind is that Samantha Koenig, an 18 year old barrista who was kidnapped February 1, was found.  We have all held out hope she would be found alive, but it appears she died shortly after she was kidnapped from her job.  I can only imagine the nightmare her family has experienced since that night.  My heart breaks for all of them, especially her father.  I pray he is able to find some peace and comfort now that Samantha has been found.

As for us, Sam and I each enjoyed a good day.  Sam found lots to do at the animal shelter and then watched Kentucky beat Kansas.  He is one happy camper right now.  Tomorrow is his support group and he is considering staying for the oncology rehab (physical therapy).

My most important task tomorrow is to make sure our Nenana tickets get to Carrs and put in the right box (as I was just informed, anyway!)

Ciao!

”That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

Do you know how many times people have repeated Mr. Nietzsche's quote to me?  The first time I heard it,  I reacted with a "hmmm...yeah...very true..." but each time after that, all I wanted to do was pretty much just reach out and slap the person up the side of the head!  However, it is a very true statement and I remind myself of it day in and day out. I just do not need or want to hear someone else repeat it to me again.  Ever.  Anyway, as a caregiver, you find yourself juggling many hats and you just do not know how you are going to continue on like you are.  Those are the times, for me anyway, when I realize I need to take a step back and do something just for me.  It does not matter what it is or how long it lasts, only that it is just for me, whether it be a quick walk, a Chai tea, workout, nap, Dairy Queen blizzard, or whatever, it is all about me.  Just a few minutes of "me" time and I feel revitalized and able to continue on with whatever it was that needed my attention immediately.  In addition, drinking lots of water and staying well hydrated makes a significant difference in my attitude and in my stress level.  Pretty darn amazing the little things one can learn about one's self. Plus..."that which doesn't kill us..." you get my drift, I am sure.

Dan Audick and Sam messing around on the dock at Big Lake.

That was a lot of rambling and after re-reading it, I am not certain I got my point across, so I hope you can figure out what I was trying to say!

Sam spent a few hours at the kennel today.  Two puppies were there along with six full grown dogs.  The favorite today was a Doberman Pinscher.  Sam was told he was a bit shy so he might have a problem getting him out to walk.  Apparently, the Doby was bouncing all over the place and could not get out the door fast enough.  He did not seem so shy to Sam, obviously.  Sam and the Doby both got some much needed exercise, needless to say.

Last night we talked a bit more about Sam's legs.  He believes that his legs are once again losing strength like they did last summer.  Since he has already been through it once, he understands what is happening when he experiences certain sensations, or even the lack thereof.  In his words, it will really be a big deal if he is able to rebuild the strength in his legs on his own, especially since the doctors have told him no more radiation.  I hope he is able to rebuild the strength and maintain it.  The catch is, currently his leg strength is probably only at 85% after losing complete feeling in his left leg last summer from a tumor pressing up against his spine in the lower back.  Radiation was able to shrink the tumor and Sam was therefore able to regain most, but not all, of his strength through physical therapy.  Now that I am putting this into words, I am wondering if this is not something we will continue to go through, kind of like the old style of football the Bears and Packers used to play - working the ball back and forth until finally someone is close enough to the goal to actually score.  I digress.  Anyway, what this does do is remind both of us that his bone structure is extremely fragile and his back even more so.  He has been told more than once that any wrong move and he could be paralyzed from the nerves in his back being cut off by the cancer in his spine.  Even with that knowledge, though, Sam still does his best to live life to the fullest.

Spring is on the way here in Anchorage, slowly but surely.  I was thrilled yesterday to be able to drive all the home without going into 4-wheel drive.  However, just trying to get out of our garage this morning required the 4-wheel drive.  At least now it is down to just the trip to work rather than both.  Progress.

The baseball season is upon us.  Opening day is right around the corner.  Wonder how my Rockies and Sam's Giants are going to do this year?

Ciao!

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. ~ Mark Twain

People often ask me if I have a good support system.  Personally, I feel I have one of the best.  My friends here in Alaska, my friends and family out of state, and I am also involved with an online support group through CancerCare.org.  The support group I am with is specifically for caregivers of those who have lung cancer, so I  am involved with a group of people who thoroughly understand my world as I know it now.  We have become quite close, so when anything happens to one of us, we all are affected because at some point or another, we know each of us will also experience the same thing.  We share many tears of joy, frustration, fears, and many blessings in disguise.  As I have been with the group for 2 1/2 years, I am considered one of the "veterans," in fact, there currently is only one other caregiver who has been with the group longer than I have. That fact kind of scares me, but it also gives me hope because it means that Sam is still here with me and doing quite well compared to many others in his position.  I was reminded of that over the weekend as one of our members experienced a very deep loss and she has not been with us long which means it was also very quick after the diagnosis.  My heart breaks for her and her family.  Through her loss, though, the rest of us are able to learn from her experience, and hopefully by the time it is our turn, we will be much better prepared for our own situations. That is my definition of blessings in disguise because the more comfortable and aware we become of what we are facing, the greater the amount of dignity and respect will accompany that difficult time.  Hopefully it is a lesson learned for all of us.

Sam seems to have had a good day, although he did not venture out.  The snow is melting and therefore we have ponds of water, which as one journalist noted, compare well with the canals of Venice right now.  One of Sam's concerns is being wet, so to avoid getting splashed and therefore, drenched to the bone, he stays in.  I am grateful for that because besides looking like a drowned rat, he also runs the risk of quickly developing pneumonia, so we like to keep him as dry as possible.  Who would have a thought a former Oregon Duck swimmer would be doing his best to stay dry?  I certainly would not have!

First of many sockeye on the Kvichak last summer.  We stayed at Blueberry Island Lodge.
 One of our best fishing vacations yet.  Can't wait to see what this summer brings!

And now, we are looking forward to another terrific summer and the many mini-vacations we are hoping to take.  Fishing regulations for the Northern Cook Inlet Region came out yesterday and they cover our favorite spot at the Little Su.  It looks like things are going to be a bit different this summer, so we will have to plan accordingly.  Just makes for a bit more excitement.  Fred the king salmon is still out there waiting for me and I will definitely be seeking him out.  He has avoided me for 4 summers now, it is time for me to find him!  I am hoping some of Sam the Fish Whisperer has rubbed off on me because I could certainly use some of his secrets.

As the land manager for the Alaska Native corporation I work for, I also will be visiting a lot of our lands over the next 6 or so months.  Hopefully Sam will be able to travel with me on many of those trips as well.  That is one aspect of my job I absolutely love and am really looking forward to heading out and seeing our lands through the eyes of the shareholders, the Elders and the descendants.  Summer cannot come fast enough!

Ciao!

"The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life." ~Brian Tracy~

Another bright and sunny day in Anchorage but where's the warmth that is supposed to go with the sunshine?

Sam spent a couple hours at the shelter today and I am sure the dogs loved walking outside with him. Or maybe he loved walking outside with each of them more.  Who knows?  He is always in a great mood in the evenings when he's had his dog therapy.

Yesterday I noted Sam searched for a place to purchase some new glasses; however, I did not mention the reason why.  The other morning he told me his vision is getting a little bit fuzzy and he is needing to wear his glasses all the time. When he told me this, that little voice of panic inside me started trying to decide if this is due to age or to other possibilities, including the cancer's arrival in his brain. I do believe it is that good ol' aging factor, but that other possibility hangs in there and probably always will until the end. Since the cancer has spread to pretty much everywhere else in his body, the odds are good it will one day spread to his brain. I have to admit that thought lives with me day in and day out. I just try not to focus too much on it because it does not do either one of us any good if I do.

Hiking Flattop for the first time.  May 2008

Tomorrow he sees Dr. Rabinowitz ( www.alaskaoncology.com). Sam always has interesting tidbits to tell after he sees the doctor, but it usually takes a couple days for me to get it all out of him.  I am not sure why, but perhaps it's because Sam has to wrap his mind around it all first and then filter it before he tells me.  Who knows...all I know is that it drives me crazy because I want to know now!  I always get a little anxious before each appointment because we do not know what the doctor is going to say.  On the other hand, he has already told us there is really nothing more that can be done at this point unless a clinical trial becomes available.  So Sam just continues taking the Tarceva in hopes that it is doing something.  Even if it is not, I think it is another of those mind over matter situations.

We are headed to Homer for the weekend as I have Monday off in honor of Seward's Day.  One of our favorite places to visit.  Last weekend was the first fishing derby of the season.  We were hoping it was this weekend because we are ready to fish.  Last year we had way too much fun and plan on having even more this year.  I can't wait!

Now I am getting all excited and won't be able to go to sleep thinking about fishing.  How crazy is that?

If only it would warm up a bit.

Ciao!

Being thrown into the fire and getting the thing turned around in a hurry made it more difficult. Things have been done the hard way. I think you learn better when things are done the hard way. John Elway

What a wild and crazy week for my Broncos!  Peyton. Tebow.  Peyton. Tebow. Forget them, I am still mad that Jake Plummer got cut, but I love my Broncos no matter what.  Why in the world the Broncos even drafted Tebow is simply beyond me.  The only reason I can think of is that they truly believe another team would offer to trade up for him before the draft even ended.  It did not happen.  So then they were shocked when they actually had to put him in the lineup and even more shocked when the Broncos won games with him at quarterback.  Notice I did not give Tebow credit for those team wins.  As to Peyton, let's just hope he passes his physical.  If he does, we are good to go, if he doesn't, he should have retired this last year and gone out on top like Elway did. Hopefully this is not another hard lesson to learn.  Give Brady Quinn a chance.  Then again, look how well Kubiak did for himself as backup for Elway.  I have seriously digressed from the purpose of this blog, haven't I?  Moving on...


Sam's blood tests came back with great results.  His hemoglobin is at 14.3, highest the nurse has seen in a long time apparently.  He was really concerned that they were not going to be good and that he would not be able to get his Xgeva injection today.  The injection went well, needless to say.


Instead of going to the shelter, he decided to go downtown and vote early.  We have municipal elections on April 4 and early voting started this past Monday. He completed his civil duty and went in search of somewhere to get new glasses.  Not finding any place which met his criteria (good cheap and fast) he came home, took a nap and had dinner ready for me when I got home.  How great is that?!

Hiking in Seward a few weeks ago.

Oh yeah, he did deal with some more medical bills today.  Work he had done in August and we are just now getting billed for. Drives me nuts.  It is exhausting and extremely frustrating tracking things, making sure things are billed correctly, and then figuring out how we are going to pay the bills. In Anchorage it seems there is one major medical billing company because we deal with them on at least 5 different doctors/clinics/hospitals.  One day I was told that I must contact them before anyone else when Sam passes away.  Now how stupid do they think I am?  I almost started laughing because they will be the last place contacted and since Sam will have no estate for them to continue billing... C'est la vie!  Ok, I guess that was a little bit bitter.


Sam is feeling better today and we both think he has been dehydrated the past few days which added to his issues.  He drank a lot of 7up last night which seemed to really help (mind over matter?) and he definitely had more energy today.  His glands are still swollen, though.  That does concern me as I noted yesterday.  It has been about a year since they last removed cancerous lymph nodes which had moved and grown so much they were bothering him, so it just might be that is what we are facing again.  Then again, it could just be seasonal allergies and he has to suffer along just like the rest of us.

I am really rambling today.


As for me, I won a contest at work today (I never win anything!) and received a signed jersey from the Alaska Aces hockey team.  It is awesome.


Ciao!

The future is literally in our hands to mold as we like. But we cannot wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow is now. Eleanor Roosevelt

Did I tell you what Sam spent the day doing yesterday?  I had to ask him if he was angry with me about something and he seemed surprised I asked that. He sat in his recliner all day with his headphones on and his iPad propped up watching movies.  Not just any movies, but movies from South Korea, Japan, and I don't know where all, and they required subtitles.  He was transfixed.  On the other hand, it also seemed to wear Rocky and him out so they needed an extra long nap in the afternoon.

Today flew by for me.  Told Sam 'see ya later' about 8:30am and it was non-stop until about 20 minutes ago...just before 8pm!  Did I accomplish anything?  Absolutely. What was it?  That I was able to get away from the cancer ride. I am able to do that each and every day I go to work, or book club, or the gym, or whatever and wherever.  Most of the time I am not even aware that I am pushing "reality" into the background and focusing on other things which require my immediate attention.  But then, there are moments throughout the day when it hits me full force, and interestingly enough, it's usually not something major which creates the reminder, it's something very minute - like standing in the cereal aisle at Fred Meyer looking at Cheerios. Yes, that was me, the sobbing hysterical woman for a few seconds.  No, it didn't happen this trip, but it has happened before.  The thing is, Sam never gets a reprieve.  He lives with it each and every minute of each and every day.  Even those times when we are snowshoeing or hiking or just walking along Chester Creek, he is constantly aware of his situation.  I just can't imagine.

Sam spent a couple hours at the animal shelter today.  He always comes back in good humor.  When I've been with him around animals, they all just gravitate to him.  Last summer we visited the Reindeer Farm in Palmer where there is a bison named Dolly.  The staff warned everyone to stay away from her because her horns alone could hurt someone.  Well, Sam stepped up to the fence, and Dolly stepped up to the other side of the fence, and she fell in love with him.  It was hilarious!  Sam scratched her back and she just rubbed up against the fence loving every minute of it.  The staff was amazed.  I wasn't, although I did get a good laugh out of this huge bison named Dolly trying to get as close as possible to my husband.  Luckily the fence was there otherwise who knows what would have happened!  Anyway, my point is, I think it is as therapeutic for Sam as it is for the animals who all seem to understand that Sam is sick and needs extra love and attention from them. It is truly a wonderful thing to watch.

Tomorrow Sam has blood tests in preparation for the Xgeva infusion which is for the bone metastases. The actual infusion is set for Wednesday.  At about the 10 day mark, Sam sometimes starts to have side effects, chills, fever, chills, fever, which last anywhere from 24-48 hours.  Each time I hope and pray it doesn't happen, but it's always a guessing game.  Another of those, "we just take it when it comes because there's just not much else we can do about it" scenarios.

Today is also the last day of winter.  Thank goodness!  However, Anchorage still needs another 3.2 inches of snow to break the record.  I hope we get it because I do not want to go through another snowy winter like this for a very long time to come. Sam and I both love the snow, yet...this year, we've both had enough of it already!  Here's to a wonderful spring!

Just an FYI, several people have asked if they can send me checks for the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Bike Challenge.  Absolutely.  The check needs to be made out to American Lung Association and can be given to me.  If you need our mailing address, send me a quick email and I will send it to you.  Thank you to all of you who have already donated.  Each day I am getting more and more excited about it!

Ciao!

Failures are made only by those who fail to dare, not by those who dare to fail. Lester B. Pearson

As most of you are aware, Sam has taken some time off from his blogging.  He claims to have gotten bored with it, which, after almost 3 years, does seem rather likely.  Perhaps my blogging will motivate him to start again!

The past 3 months have been almost a blur.  Sam's doing quite well for someone with stage IV lung cancer.  He is not as active as he was, and I don't know if that is a result of the insane amount of snow and cold we've had this winter or because his body is just slowing down.  His positive spirit does remain and for that, I am quite grateful.  My most challenging moments are when he is angry and I need to quickly determine if it's actually me he is angry with or the situation at hand. Or both for that matter.  I am often unsuccessful at figuring it out, just so you know.

Right now, to keep his mind busy, he is studying Japanese.  Yes, you read that right.  Japanese.  He sounds great when I hear him practicing, but then...I know nothing about Japanese, he could just be speaking gobbledygook for all I know.  I admire him for attempting it because I can't say I would do the same.

The animal shelter enjoys his presence a couple times a week.  He's even learned how to groom the dogs, handling the dogs under 40 pounds.  The cancer in his lower back and pelvic area do not allow him to work with the larger dogs anymore.

As for me, life is good.  Just wish the snow would go away.  I am training for the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Bike Challenge, an annual fundraiser for the American Lung Association.  It's a 60 mile bike ride from Houston to Talkeetna on May 12-13.  120 miles round trip.  Here's my webpage for it if you'd like to donate, or perhaps join the team?  http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass  I'm at about 70% of my fundraising goal, which I am absolutely amazed about!

Chat at ya later!