You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs

Two years ago today proved to be the most challenging day of my life to date, even more so than the day we were given Sam's stage IV lung cancer diagnosis.  We were four months into learning about the diagnosis and we were both still working to wrap our minds completely around what was happening to us.  I had quit one job because the stress of both dealing with work and dealing with the initial absolute craziness of cancer was more than I could handle, and started another after a two month hiatus only because Sam realized he could no longer work.  Friday afternoon I was sitting in my office and received a text from Sam saying that he had moved out.  He did not even have the decency to call, only text, which told me many things.  I do not remember much about that day except the stress, the panic, and everything else a person experiences at moments like that, hit me full force.  I could hardly even talk.  The worst part was, I did not really know anyone in my office as I had only been there about six weeks and did not know where to turn or what to do.  I called my therapist and she was incredible because I was an absolute basket case, and I also called a mutual friend of ours.  At that point in time, not only was I grieving for losing my husband to an illness over which we had no control, but I was losing my husband because he claimed he could not live with me anymore and needed to get away.  We had already been in intensive counseling for four solid months; however, it was apparently not enough. Today, we both understand that he just needed to get away from everything or he was going to burst, as the saying goes. Neither of us understood that two years ago, we just both knew we were suffering more than either one of us could bear. I did not hear from him all day on Saturday, then on Sunday morning, he texted and asked me to meet him for breakfast, which I did.  During the entire meal, I was afraid to say anything, but he had a lot to say, mostly in anger.  His biggest fear was that I would not support him, that I would not listen to what he wanted, and therefore, when he is actually dying, I would be doing what I wanted, not what he wanted.  All I could think was, why would I do anything other than what he wanted?  Convincing him of that, though, has been an ongoing challenge for me.  He finally came home late Monday night, but not before he made me promise I would listen to and act on what he wanted when it came to dealing with the cancer.  I was so scared I would never see him again, it brings tears to my eyes even now.

Forget where we were going, but we were at the airport waiting to leave.

The reason I am telling you this is that I want to make you aware that this behavior is common for cancer patients, and more than likely all terminally ill individuals.  From what we have learned because of the struggle with losing the ability to control their life, the patient focuses on controlling whatever and whomever they can to make up for the loss.  We have come a long, long way in two years and I no longer have any fears of Sam leaving like that again.  If nothing else, even though we struggled with the issues of that weekend for many months, we are much stronger as individuals and as partners than ever before.  This is also a very long, and at least partial, explanation as to why we are able to maintain (at least for the most part) positive attitudes, because we know that no matter what, we have already been through the worst life can throw at us.  Now, we need to turn this negative into a positive and live the best lives we can for as long as we can as a team, not as two separate individuals on the same journey.  The sad part about all this is that there are many couples who do split up after a terrible diagnosis like this, mostly because the stress is simply quite unbelievable from so many different angles and there is absolutely no way one could ever be prepared for anything like this.  My heart breaks for everyone suffering from cancer as I know only too well what you are going through.  I wish I had words of wisdom to make it easier, but I do not, except for faith, hope and love.

On that note, today, two years later, we are doing terrific.  Sam spent the day making tentative summer plans for us, filling in more of his bucket list.  We hope to be able to take the Alaska Ferry to Kodiak for Memorial Day weekend and be a part of the Crab Festival.  He also signed up to take a Japanese course at UAA in the fall.  There is great hope for the future!

Ciao!

It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter, it feels like years since it’s been here, here comes the sun. -song Here’ Comes the Sun, Beatles

Summer is just around the corner and here is proof, the bears are starting to come out of their dens.  This past week the big excitement (besides the election issues) has been the sighting of a black bear in Bicentennial Park.  The crazy thing is, the snow is still rather deep, as the bear is almost standing on top of the interpretive sign.  http://www.adn.com/2012/04/13/2421834/spring-bear-in-bicentennial-park.html#id=2421828&view=large_view  The bear is on the same trail Sam and I go snowshoeing on in the winter and hiking/biking on in the summer.  Just makes life a little bit more exciting.

Our first snowshoe trip into Byers Lake Cabin #3.

Sam enjoyed a day out on Friday with a friend of ours from home.  Thank you, Lee, for taking Sam out snowshoeing!  He was quite talkative when I finally got home and, I must confess, I was not the best audience for all he had to tell me.  That is one of the things I really need to work on, especially since there will come a time when I will not have the pleasure of coming home to find Sam excited and full of energy about his day.  We had a long talk about that today, as a matter of fact, and we both need to adjust a bit - he needs to give me a few minutes when I get home and I need to be more willing to sit and listen.  My promotion at work means a higher level of responsibility and activity, so my brain is usually fried by the time I get home.  We will figure it out, though, so we just need to keep moving forward.

He still seems to be having issues with pain in his upper thigh and pelvic area. This next week when he sees the doctor, he is really hoping the doctor will say, ok, let's try the Alimta again, even though Sam and the doctor both said no more last December.  The nausea seems to be doing better since the doctor put him on an anti-nausea medication.  Thank goodness!  We never knew when it was going to hit, so every meal was a race against time to get things fixed and ready to go before the nausea set in.

As for me, 4 weeks from today is the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Challenge.  Today I picked up new tires, pedals and shoes at REI and I am hoping tomorrow Sam will have the energy to put them on for me.  My fundraising has been very successful, thank you to all who have contributed.  Because it has been so successful, I have increased my goal and I am hoping there are still others out there who want to donate.  http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass will tell you all about it.  The Glass Half Full team is training hard!

Ciao!

"We ask justice, we ask equality, we ask that all the civil and political rights that belong to citizens of the United States, be guaranteed to us and our daughters forever." —Susan B. Anthony, Declaration of Rights for Women, July 1876

The year of the woman, 1876...or 2012?  Unbelievable we are going through all this again.  The gentleman from Wisconsin who is attempting to make the claim that women do not care about money because men are the breadwinners and this is why there is such a difference in pay between men and women, needs to come talk with me.  Sir, I am the breadwinner in this family.  In fact, I am the ONLY breadwinner in this family because my husband cannot work.  If you think for one moment that I do not care about money, you are sadly mistaken.  It is on my mind every minute of every day.  Yes, I make enough to pay our bills, but do I make enough to have saved for a rainy day?  No.  Do I make enough to have saved plenty for retirement?  No.  Do I make enough to cover any emergencies that are definitely going to arise as Sam progresses through his illness?  NO.  Am I making the same amount I would be making if I were a man?  Most definitely not.  Let me clarify, I am not complaining about how much I am paid, because I am paid very well for what I do.  That being said, I am not paid at the same level of my male counterparts for my level of education and experience.  Not even close.  It is a constant battle and it is extremely frustrating and very exhausting.  Let me tell you, though, I will never stop fighting for equality because not only am I fighting for myself, but I am fighting for every single female who comes after me.

Veggies at the State Fair last year.
Do these look like the veggies in your garden?

Ok, enough of today's rant.

Not having any current pictures to post, I decided to look in our "archives" and post a picture from last year's Alaska State Fair.  It is always amazing to us the size of the vegetables.  I thought seeing them might motivate the gardeners out there.  Did it work?

Things seem to be changing with Sam's health and I cannot decide whether it is mental, physical, or both. His activity level is much lower than it ever before and so is his energy level.  In some ways I am sure they are related (less exercise, less energy) but I also think that he is entering a new phase of the cancer and this is something I need to get used to.  Today he told me he feels that I am trying to get him to do things I want him to do and not encouraging and supporting him to make good decisions for himself.  Of course, being the person I am, I quickly denied it, but he is right in a way.  I want him to get out and walk in the fresh air and not just sit in his recliner all day. Exercise is very important for cancer patients, and he knows this.  However, I am slowly starting to understand that the pain is not only reaching a new and different level, it is also occurring in new places and he is trying to adjust to that.  It might be that his exercise is going to be limited to the weekends when I am able to convince him to go with me to the gym and use the treadmill and elliptical.  On the other hand, it might be he is bored out of his mind because he does brighten up and get excited when we talk about fishing!  I am thinking it is a combination of everything.  This is just part of the roller coaster ride of the cancer journey.

Work is extremely busy these days and for that, I am extremely grateful.  Makes the day go by faster and each day is different than the day before.  The best part is the people I work with. They are phenomenal and I truly enjoy being there.

Because work is so busy, I will not be posting every day.  I thought I better mention that if you have not already figured it out.  Sometimes by the time I get home my brain is completely fried and the last thing I want to do is work on the computer.  Please do not let that stop you from contacting us, though.  If any of you have a minute, and feel like chatting with someone, you can always call Sam.  If he is awake, he is always willing to chat, or at least listen.  Email me and I will be happy to give you his number.  Even better, if you live here, call him and see if he wants to go do something, but don't you dare tell him I told you to.  He does not read my blog so I am not worried about him seeing this...well...at least for now!

Make it a great day!

Ciao!

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright

A very fine line, if I do say so myself.  What an incredible weekend!  First Anchorage broke the all time record for snow.  I hit the "refresh" button on the NOAA website continually for 2 solid hours, I think, even though it stated clearly in black and white that the next update would be at 4pm.  However, there was another note which added "unless the record is broken before."  Well, the record was broken long before, but there was no update until 4:00.  No matter what, it was, and is, exciting and thankfully over. Now for the snow to melt and be gone.  This in-between stuff drives me bananas.  Sam and I worked on my bike, too, getting some "stuff" to make it better on top of the gear I picked up at REI with one of my team members, Violet, on Friday.  We are going to look good, if nothing else!

Sunday was beautiful and you will never guess what we did!  Our vacuum decided to take a break, so we ended up devoting a large portion of the day competing with each other in our attempts to make the darn thing work again.  Finally, we managed to combine our efforts and get it up and running, much to the chagrin of Rocky & Sweet Pea who run the second the closet door is opened because they are just certain the big green monster that lives in there is going to come out and get them!

In addition to all that fun and excitement, Sam took the opportunity on Sunday to inform me of another interesting thing which is happening to him. He told me that he experiences a pain "of sorts" in his left pelvic/thigh region.  Not quite sure what "of sorts" means, but it must be annoying enough for him to bring my attention to it.  He did call his doctor this morning and told his office about the nausea and everything else. They have put him on an anti-nausea pill for now.  Next week is his Xgeva treatment for the bone mets and an appointment with Dr. Rabinowitz, so we will know more at that time.

It has been several months since any change in Sam's cancer has occurred, so these new issues do not come as a surprise.  We just hoped it would be later rather than sooner before anything else changed.  Sam seems to think it is possible the doctor will suggest another Alimta (chemo) treatment.  Sam did 6 treatments last fall, 1x every 3 weeks for 6 treatments.  It wore him out and I do not know if Sam is really interested in doing that again.  We shall see.

Thank you again to all who have contributed to the Clean Air Challenge. I am really started to look forward to it.

Ciao!

Yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow is only a vision But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a new vision of hope. - Kalidasa -

View today from our 3rd story condo.

As some of you know, Anchorage broke its all time record for snowfall today - as of 7:40pm, we are at the 134.5 inch mark.  Nothing compared to Cordova, Valdez and other Prince William Sound communities, but a heck of a lot of snow to us Alaskan urbanites.  The total will go much higher because April is supposed to be a fairly cold and wet month.  Oh boy!  Sam and I had ourselves a little celebration party, he watched another Japanese movie and I watched NCIS followed by one of my all time favorites, Tombstone.

The snow made us both a little lazy today but we did manage to make our monthly Costco run.  Plus, I convinced Sam to go to the gym with me which was very good for both of us.  The snow also threw a kink into my workout plans because tomorrow I was planning my first ride.  ARGH.  Still might do it, though.  I am back on my fundraiser kick, too, so I apologize in advance if I drive you crazy with it.  That being said, in case you are interested - here's the link:  http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass.

My thoughts this morning started out in a place which I knew if I focused on for too long, I would drive myself and Sam crazy all day.  From what I have learned, anyone who is in my position experiences these thoughts from time to time - wondering what life would be like if Sam was healthy.  I allow myself a few minutes of these thoughts because if all I do is suppress them, my grief after Sam is gone will be much greater than if I give myself an opportunity to experience the anticipatory grief and work through it now.  Giving myself permission to do that took about 4 months of intensive therapy when Sam was diagnosed with the lung cancer. The only private place I truly have in the condo is my bathroom (and even that is questionable sometimes between Sam and Sweet Pea!) and that is where I go when I need to spend a few minutes crying.  Usually I only need a few minutes and then I am good to go again, and that is exactly what happened this morning.  Thankfully, Sam was oblivious to it all.

On the drive to Costco, Sam said he needed to tell me some, as he put it, not very good news.  I never know what to expect when he says that so I prepared myself for anything.  One of the possible symptoms of bone metastases is nausea.  Apparently while I fixed my turkey bacon this morning, Sam became nauseous from the smell.  He told me this is not the first time he has had this experience and there is no specific food or activity which triggers it.  So it is quite possible he is dealing with hypercalcemia, high levels of calcium in the blood.  Tomorrow one of my goals is to convince him to call the oncologist on Monday because if he does not call the doctor right away when something new occurs or something changes, he forgets to tell the doctor.  He is one of those people that when the doctor asks about things, unless it is happening right then and there, Sam does not think to tell the doctor about it.  Hopefully this turns out to be nothing, but just in case, it is much better to safe than sorry.

I wish you all a wonderful Passover and Easter.

Ciao!

Why are you obsessed with fighting? Stick to fishing from now on. -- Tim Rice, lyric from Jesus Christ Superstar

I need new gear!

Today excitement reigned supreme because the new Cabela's catalogue showed up and  it is all about fishing.  We have to purchase new boots this year because felt bottoms are no longer legal.  So, I opened the catalogue fully prepared to spend oodles of money on girl gear...and guess what.  To my utter disgust, only one page, actually make that 1/2 page because it states "Men's and Women's sizes available", is geared towards females.  ARGH.  If only I had more time and more money, I would open a sporting goods store specifically for women.  Not the tennis/swim wear stores like we already have or REI, but a real honest to goodness sporting goods store geared towards females.  Drives me nuts.  And oh yes, the second thing would be NO PINK IS ALLOWED.  What is up with that?  Pink waders?  Not in my world.  And yes, I have friends who wear them but I do not allow them to stand anywhere near me while fishing.  Anyway, there is my rant for the day.  As you can probably tell, fishing is on my mind.  A lot.

We will be doing a lot of fishing on the Kenai Peninsula this year as well as in Seldovia.  We can hardly wait.

Sam did not do much today except work on his Japanese lessons.  He is almost like a bull dog right now with those things.  Very focused.  His spirits are good, as always, and he seems to be feeling well right now, too.  Although so far we have not figured out why whenever he eats, his nose just starts running uncontrollably.  It is the oddest thing.  Writing about it is making me laugh because it just sounds so weird, but it is very true.  So if anyone has any ideas...let us know, please!

Work is extremely busy for me and is only going to get busier with summer coming on.  I am also the contact person for my company for wildfires.  With the snow pack we have had this winter, hopefully fire season will be fairly quiet, but we shall see.

Anchorage is still reeling from the election boondogle the other day.  It will be very interesting to see how this plays out.  Personally, I think a do-over would be a good idea with the Federal Election Commission overseeing the whole darn process.  Just my opinion!

Ciao!

To save man from the morass of propaganda, in my opinion, is one of the chief aims of education. Education must enable one to sift and weigh evidence, to discern the true from the false, the real from the unreal, and the facts from the fiction. Martin Luther King, Jr., The Purpose of Education

Civil Rights Memorial, Montgomery, Alabama

Forty-four years ago today, Martin Luther King, Jr., was assassinated, April 4, 1968.  I was seven years old, in 2nd grade and we were living in Pineview, Georgia.  Dad was assigned to three small country Methodist churches and during the week, he commuted to Atlanta to attend seminary at Emory University.  Mom stayed home with the four of us while Dad was gone 3 days/2 nights every week.  My parents, to this day, when talking about Pineview, say that is the first place where they truly practiced missionary work.  Just let your imagination run wild and you might be able to come close to what my family experienced as Yankees living in the deep south, and not just Yankees, but a Yankee minister's family to boot.  Rev. King's life and death symbolize to my family the ideology my parents struggled to teach others and managed to deeply instill in my siblings and me, the ideology which to this day continues to resonate strongly with my family.  It is because of this that yesterday's election quagmire here in Anchorage has been so difficult for me to acknowledge let alone accept.  If you do not live in Anchorage, here is a link to explain (as best one can anyway) yesterday's election scenario:  http://www.adn.com/2012/04/04/2407382/municipality-aclu-investigate.html.  How it is possible to run out of ballots in so many different places is simply unbelievable. That Anchorage might still be a community which allows discrimination is extremely disappointing. This all goes against my soul and I will never stop fighting for the right to vote and equality for everyone.  Interesting thing is, those are things Martin Luther King, Jr., was also fighting for 44 years ago.  Maybe that is how many years this beautiful city and state is truly behind the rest of the United States.  I do not know.  However, I will now stop discussing the election for tonight, but believe me when I tell you, it will not be far from my mind for a long time to come.

Sam is doing quite well today, he enjoyed a couple hours at the shelter and then came home to work more on his Japanese lessons.  He is getting closer to being ready to converse with others and was very pleased with himself as he received an 81% on completing the first of three sections today.  Good for him!  Tomorrow he will probably rest most of the day.  Going to the shelter two days in a row is generally too much for him anymore.  Last night he told me he might start working with the cats instead of the dogs.  That made me really sad for Sam, yet very happy for the cats.  My only thought was...well there is one way to drive Sweet Pea nuts.  All those other cat smells on his clothes?  She will go bananas.  Might be kind of entertaining, actually.

Ciao!