I've experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I think to really appreciate anything you have to be at both ends of the spectrum. John Elway

Today four good teams played some amazing football.  Of course, my Denver Broncos won their game and that made the day very special.  Sam would have truly enjoyed both games, especially since while growing up the 49ers was his favorite team, he liked the Seahawks as an adult and then became a Broncos fan when he married me.  We were known to periodically yell for the Patriots, too, since there are a couple Oregon Ducks on the team.  The super bowl is going to be just like old times, the Broncos vs. the Seahawks, before the Seahawks went to the NFC.  Tonight I am trying to figure out how I can wear something Broncos-related to work every day until the super bowl without "breaking the rules".  Not sure that I can so I might have to do some shopping!

Courtesy of the Denver Broncos official webpage.

Life is good right now.  Work continues to be extremely busy so I do not have much time to think about things, but even so, I do not think I would be experiencing life any differently than I am now.  Every minute of every day I think of Sam but I do not have the emotional outbursts as often as I did before Christmas.  Now I am focusing on forcing myself to make decisions on my own and needless to say, I am struggling with that.  A couple weeks ago I mentioned this to a friend who promptly offered to play Sam's role in my decision-making process but...well...although I greatly appreciate the offer, it is just not the same.

Alaska's Lung Association Clean Air Challenge is set for May 10.  This year will probably be my last year of heavy fundraising for this event so I encourage you to either support me personally or come join the Glass Half Full team and ride with us.  You can find details here:  http://action.lung.org/goto/djglass.  And yes, I will continue to ride and support the Clean Air Challenge, I just will not be fundraising like a madwoman.

Now, off to do a snow dance because we need snow!

q'ua

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. - Washington Irving

Happy New Year to all of you!  Never before have I been so grateful to have the new year come around.  As I told a friend tonight, the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas were downright awful and I am so very glad to have the holidays over with.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, the actual holidays, I spent with family which made both days much easier to deal with.  It was rather odd that I found myself feeling okay on each of those days, yet not so much on the days between the two.  I wonder what next year's holidays will bring?

Sam at the Iditarod Restart, 2012.

Each day I work hard to move forward without Sam and the struggle at times seems more than I can handle.  Then, I remind myself I am a survivor, I know I can do this, but it certainly does not mean I am happy about it.  I miss him more than I can even begin to put into words. The grief is a deep black hole within me that generates more pain than I ever imagined.  Some days it takes all my energy to just breath, let alone function.  Yes, I am burying myself in my work.  That is what I do and how my mind and body function.  I am okay with that if doing so is going to get me through this time.

Looking at pictures of him smiling make me smile, so I spend a lot of time doing that.  It truly makes me feel better.

Sweet Pea and Shadow still have not worked out their relationship.  She hisses and he chases her as a pay back.  Hopefully one of these days I will come home and they will be best buds.  It took Rocky and Sweet Pea a year to come to terms with each other, so I have to remind myself to be patient!

For those of you who wondered, yes, I wanted Oregon to beat my 'Horns.  Mack Brown is a great coach, but he should have done like John Elway and gone out while he was still on top several years ago.  Just my opinion.  Speaking of my Broncos, I do hope it is the Seahawks we meet in the super bowl.  It would seem just like old times!  My second choice is the Niners, just so you know. Just hope the right Broncos team shows up for the playoffs.  I did see the schedules for next year and the Broncos are coming to Seattle.  Guess what is now on my calendar?

q'ua

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” ― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

The past couple of weeks, for whatever reason, have been more difficult than any others so far.  I do not share this with you for your sympathy, but for your understanding.  It is challenging to find the desire to write because all I really want to do is curl up in a hole somewhere and cry a good hard long cry.  The only problem is that I fear I would not be able to stop and I would just continue crying.  My heart hurts more than it ever has.

Sam during our  2012 winter trip to Lowell Point in Seward.

Work is very busy and tonight, as I sat at my desk finishing up a project, I realized I was alone in the office - everyone had already left for home.  It suddenly occurred to me I did not want to go home to my empty condo because Sam is not there.  I could not hold back any longer and so I sat at my desk sobbing hysterically for about 15 minutes, hoping and praying at the same time that no one would see me like that.  Now I am home and the tears continue while I beg God one minute to take care of Sam and the next begging Him to bring Sam back, all the while wondering how much more of this I can take.

As a friend noted over Thanksgiving, grief is a place that unless you experience it yourself, you truly do not understand.  I wholeheartedly agree.  It is a process which slowly I am working my way through while at the same time knowing it will always be there.

It is snowing and absolutely beautiful outside.  Although I know Sam is here with me in spirit enjoying it, I would rather he were here in person.  I need him.

q'ua

Just realized I better explain myself even further.  When Sam passed, I put his wedding band on to wear with mine, promising myself I would always wear as it was a part of him. It was a daily reminder for me of how much he truly loved me.  However, the only way it stayed on my finger was to wear it over my band with my diamond holding it in place. I realized right away it was not a smart move to wear it but I could not bring myself to let go of it.  Finally, Monday I decided I just needed to make myself do it, which I did.  Interesting thing is, once I made the decision to not wear it any longer, my memories of him changed, becoming much warmer (for lack of a better term), perhaps more clear in my mind's eye.  The guilt at first of not wearing it any longer almost made me put it back on, but I told myself I really do have to find little ways to move on. Removing his band is just one very small step in that direction.  As to whether or not I will ever remove my own wedding band, as of right now I say no.  Tomorrow may be a different story.

q'ua

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Kennedy

This morning I woke at 3:30, completely freaked out from a dream I had about Sam.  Took me all day to realize what the problem is and that is today marks 13 weeks since he passed, tomorrow is the 3 month mark.  My ability to compartmentalize the pain is sometimes too effective!  That all being said, today I chose to stop wearing his wedding band.  The first few minutes of not having his band on my finger were a bit odd, I felt a huge pang of guilt, and then I forced myself to stop thinking about it and just move on.  Day 1 is over and I am ok with my choice.

Last weekend Sweet Pea (the cat) and I adopted a new cat to replace Rocky.  Now, instead of being lonely, Sweet Pea is spending her time hissing to make sure the new cat knows who is boss.  And yes, we have yet to name the little guy.  Perhaps you have some ideas?  He is pure black, about 3 years old and is extremely friendly.  He is beginning to chase after Sweet Pea and it is hilarious because now she takes off running.  Turn about is fair play!

These pictures are from our trip to Eagle, Alaska, July 4, 2010.  It is located on the Yukon River and became one of our favorite places in Alaska.  The people are so friendly and we had a great time.  Eagle is a 13 hour drive from Anchorage, most of which is on a gravel road, better known as the Taylor Highway, Anchorage to Tok to Chicken to Eagle.  Immediately upon arriving we were invited to the community potluck so off we went.  Just like home!  Luckily we brought lots of carrots and celery with us to eat so we took them as our contribution.  The residents told us next time to load up our truck with watermelons because they would buy them and we would be able to pay for our trip.  In other words, fresh fruits and veggies are hard to come by there being so far from grocery stores.  Yes, there is a very small community store but the selections, not to mention the prices...ohmigosh. Eagle's 4th of July celebration is awesome.  Trap shoot across the Yukon, softball tournament, parade (I am pretty certain all 200 residents were in the parade), crafts fair, and a water dunk contest along with the community potluck.  Fun times to be had by all!  Unfortunately, we ended up leaving quickly on Sunday night when the thunderclouds started forming.  Being from eastern Oregon, we knew what they meant, so we hightailed it out of there about 10pm.  We were very lucky as the storms were very bad, the road washed out and was not repaired until the following year.  I am looking forward to going back, maybe even in the winter to experience the 30 below weather.  Ok...maybe not...but maybe...

q'ua

“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Nothing like marking time.  First in days, then weeks, and soon...in months, followed by years.  The two month mark came and went the other day and as I commented to a couple friends, it seems like time has flown by, yet the moments of grief seem to creep by and I wonder how long they are going to last because the pain is deep, intense, and sometimes literally doubles me over.  Thankfully I know those will ease in due time as well.

I have been staying busy, traveling to see family and friends, watching football, having heart attacks over my Denver Broncos (HELLO?!?!?!?!), and most importantly, hanging out with Sweet Pea.  She continues to walk around at night crying, searching each and every room when I get home from work looking for Sam and probably Rocky.  Makes me very sad I am unable to tell her they are not here, yet I often wonder if she is able to see and hear things I am not because she certainly acts it sometimes.  Then again, this is Sweet Pea aka Little Turd we are talking about.

One thing I discovered is the amount of paperwork which keeps appearing is simply absurd.  For awhile it seemed like for every document I completed and submitted, five more appeared. And just when you are sure you are done...well...all I can say is, do not get too cocky.  Just today I found two more documents I need to complete and reminded myself of another item on the to do list I have been putting off.  Plus, I am still working on thank you notes for all the flowers, donations, cards, food, and everything else everyone did for both Sam and I. It is going to take awhile, mostly because my motivation level just is not what it used to be.  Eventually it will return.  

Also today a colleague voiced concern about me coming home to an empty house every night. I found myself telling her that it is okay because I just truly do not feel like being very social right now.  Like I mentioned before, I am staying very busy, but it is just me, or just me and Sweet Pea.  It is difficult to explain and I do not want anyone thinking I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself and crying my eyes out because that is not the case.  Mostly I just do not feel like talking to anyone, although I am always pleased when friends or family call even if I do not answer.  From what I understand, this too shall pass.  It is just part of the grief cycle and I have to let myself go through it. Book club is this weekend as is the Breath Easy Breakfast, so I will be getting out and about with my girlfriends and I am really looking forward to both events.

More than anything, I miss making memories with Sam.  People keep commenting on how much we crammed into the time the we had together.  We truly did a lot and created a boat load of memories.  Unfortunately, I am the only one enjoying the memories, yet I am so very grateful I have them and no one can take them away from me.

Plus, I think Sam is standing on the Oregon sidelines, if you know what I mean.  I am sure God and he had a long talk about how it is high time his Ducks won the BCS.

q'ua

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night, and in between does what he wants to do. Bob Dylan

I am told the pain lessens as time goes by. In fact, I know it does.  Just wish time would hurry up. Each day I miss Sam just as much as the day before.  How I handle it, though, improves each day.  I could ramble on and on about how much I miss him, so I will not bore you with that.  Just suffice it to say, every day is subtly different, not easier, just different.  There is an overbearing sadness within me yet I do my best to focus on happiness.  It is not only what I want but what Sam would want as well.  Make the most of each and every day...it is what we all should be doing

Tomorrow is a new day and I cannot wait to see what it brings.

q'ua