“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Kennedy

This morning I woke at 3:30, completely freaked out from a dream I had about Sam.  Took me all day to realize what the problem is and that is today marks 13 weeks since he passed, tomorrow is the 3 month mark.  My ability to compartmentalize the pain is sometimes too effective!  That all being said, today I chose to stop wearing his wedding band.  The first few minutes of not having his band on my finger were a bit odd, I felt a huge pang of guilt, and then I forced myself to stop thinking about it and just move on.  Day 1 is over and I am ok with my choice.

Last weekend Sweet Pea (the cat) and I adopted a new cat to replace Rocky.  Now, instead of being lonely, Sweet Pea is spending her time hissing to make sure the new cat knows who is boss.  And yes, we have yet to name the little guy.  Perhaps you have some ideas?  He is pure black, about 3 years old and is extremely friendly.  He is beginning to chase after Sweet Pea and it is hilarious because now she takes off running.  Turn about is fair play!

These pictures are from our trip to Eagle, Alaska, July 4, 2010.  It is located on the Yukon River and became one of our favorite places in Alaska.  The people are so friendly and we had a great time.  Eagle is a 13 hour drive from Anchorage, most of which is on a gravel road, better known as the Taylor Highway, Anchorage to Tok to Chicken to Eagle.  Immediately upon arriving we were invited to the community potluck so off we went.  Just like home!  Luckily we brought lots of carrots and celery with us to eat so we took them as our contribution.  The residents told us next time to load up our truck with watermelons because they would buy them and we would be able to pay for our trip.  In other words, fresh fruits and veggies are hard to come by there being so far from grocery stores.  Yes, there is a very small community store but the selections, not to mention the prices...ohmigosh. Eagle's 4th of July celebration is awesome.  Trap shoot across the Yukon, softball tournament, parade (I am pretty certain all 200 residents were in the parade), crafts fair, and a water dunk contest along with the community potluck.  Fun times to be had by all!  Unfortunately, we ended up leaving quickly on Sunday night when the thunderclouds started forming.  Being from eastern Oregon, we knew what they meant, so we hightailed it out of there about 10pm.  We were very lucky as the storms were very bad, the road washed out and was not repaired until the following year.  I am looking forward to going back, maybe even in the winter to experience the 30 below weather.  Ok...maybe not...but maybe...

q'ua

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds." Edward Abbey

Upon arriving at home tonight after work, Sam had a lot to tell me, mostly about his support group since that is where he spent a couple hours today. This support group meets at Providence Cancer Center and is composed of people who are all stage IV cancer patients.  It is so interesting the different outlooks each individual has toward his or her illness and the related diagnosis.  They range from complete denial to "OMG, I am going to die tomorrow!"  The common denominator is the fear factor with each of them and that is what had Sam perplexed when I got home.  Sam does his best to encourage each participant to not be afraid, to face his or her fears and to act on them.  He sets a wonderful example for each of them and for all us in working each day to make the best of an extremely difficult situation.  Tonight, though, he was asking questions of me such as, "What really am I here for?"  I have learned not to become upset at these questions, just to listen because I know that the only reason he is headed down this path (and usually it is only for a few minutes or so) is because of some discussion at the support group.  During our conversation, Sam mentioned that he was now the only person left from when this group started two years ago.  AHA!  My light bulb moment.  He normally tells me when someone is no longer with the group, but he has not said anything about anyone no longer being there since the first of the year.  Now I understand why he has been dragging his feet about attending the support group the past couple weeks. I do not blame him one bit; however, this is a fear he needed to face and today he faced it head on.  Sam is needed at that support group because he is a mentor to anyone who comes through the door because of his courage and because he represents hope. Hope for the future to reach that amazing view is why Sam is here and somehow I will find a way to relay that message to him.

The mighty Yukon River at Eagle, Alaska.

We are starting to make plans for camping, hiking, fishing and whatever we can do in the 2-3 hours where Sam has energy this summer. More than likely he will be doing a lot of sitting and watching me while I do the fishing but you can bet he will be freely offering unsolicited advice.  Oh boy.  Since he is the fish whisperer, though, there is plenty I can learn from him on that subject.  But when it comes to setting up the camp...I will have to find something else for him to give 100% of his attention to while I do that.  Maybe that will be the time to encourage a nap!

Life is great right now and for that I am quite thankful.  Work is extremely busy and is gearing up to get even busier.  Even better is the fact that my job requires me to spend time outdoors.  What could be better than that during summer in Alaska?

Ciao!