“Courage is like a muscle strenghthened by its use.” Ruth Gordon (the late actress)

Sam is either the bravest man I know or the craziest man I know, or possibly a little of both.  Hints about various aspects of his current physical health have been dropped all week, and tonight is no different. "My left eye is kind of blurry."  Followed by, "I guess it's been that way a few days...maybe a week or so."  Hello?  Since when does "a few days" equal "a week or so?"  Either way, I did not react because that drives him nuts.  I calmly walked into my bathroom and proceeded to have a "moment" while processing what Sam had just told me.  At that point, I headed to the computer to google "blurry left eye lung cancer."  Needless to say, I should not have done that.  While I am sitting here silently freaking out, Sam is over in his chair, laughing with the cats, cheerful as can be just like life is normal, which in a way, I suppose it is.

On the other hand, now he is sitting over there telling me that perhaps the reason he is having these "head" problems is because his brain is tired from studying too much Japanese.  As a certain former half-governor often says, "You betcha!"

Rocky aka Garfield, taking his after dinner nap.
He is so black you can hardly see that
his head is  upside down.

After writing all this, I do feel better and it really is life as usual.  So many different things happen throughout the course of one's cancer journey, it is often referred to as a "roller coaster ride."  Therefore, overreacting to something is not in any one's best interest, especially Sam's or mine. Tomorrow, however, if he still is having issues, I will insist on him calling the oncology triage nurse to tell her what is going on.

Sweet Pea guarding her toys because she knows the
scary big green monster (the vacuum) is about to come
out of the closet and get her and all her toys!

As for me, one more week until the Clean Air Bike Challenge (http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass) and yes, I am ready.   Sunday is the Bike for Women and although it is only 9 miles (compared to 120 next week) the first half is downhill which means the second half is uphill.  What are the race planners thinking? No matter what it will be fun.

Our Memorial Day plans are made, we are headed to Kodiak on the ferry. If all goes as planned, because we are not able to get a ferry back until the following weekend, I will fly home on Tuesday morning and fly back to Kodiak Friday afternoon to get Sam and our truck back on the ferry Saturday to head home.  Yes, it sounds kind of crazy, but sometimes you just do what you have got to do.  He is very excited about spending a few additional days hanging out in Kodiak (city) and I hope it all works out for him and that I do not worry too much about him.

Ciao!

You cannot see wilderness from a road. What you see from a road is something different- a scene, a panorama, a picture; but you do not feel anything. Edward Abbey

Hiking is one of our favorite things to do.  The reason we moved to Alaska was to enjoy its beauty to the utmost, and when we first moved here, we hiked every weekend, regardless of the weather.  Now, it is limited to once a month, mostly depending on how Sam is feeling.  He puts forth an incredible effort, though, no matter what, even though like today, a couple miles is about all Sam can handle.  Today we walked the "Bird to Gird" bike path from the Girdwood side.  It is amazing how many landslides are still blocking the trail. Hopefully they will be cleared in the next week or so as tourist season officially starts Tuesday.

Resting along the Bird to Gird trail.

This past week Sam ventured out a couple times on the bus, managing to walk a mile or so in various parts of Anchorage.  He really enjoys doing that and at the same time, people watching, always coming home with stories of some sort or another.  He even got recognized by a friend who we rarely see and that gave Sam a good laugh.

Wednesday Sam met with his oncologist, Max Rabinowitz, and did tell him about the issues with his legs and the nausea.  CT scans of his abdomen, pelvis, hips and lower back are scheduled in two weeks as well as an MRI.  Rather than try to guess at what is causing the pain and the cold feeling in his legs and feet, Sam and the doctor agreed to do the tests.  In the meantime, Sam sits with a heating pad under his legs to stay warm. From the beginning the doctors told us that there is a good chance at some point in time that the cancer in his back would cause paralysis.  He fought it successfully last summer and fall with radiation but his body cannot handle anymore, so if that is what the issue is this time, I just do not know what will be done, if anything.  It might be that we start preparing ourselves for the next phase.  No matter what, we will make the most of it. Sam and I have talked at length about when, not if, he will need to be in a wheelchair so that we will be somewhat prepared when it happens.  I do not think anyone can be fully prepared for that sort of life changing event, regardless of what a person says.

Saturday Sam wanted to rest, so I took the opportunity and got in a 40 mile bike ride since the Clean Air Bike Challenge is in two weeks.  The ride was spectacular except for that darn headwind on the way back and the two semis who came blasting by me blowing sand everywhere.  There is a bike path which runs from Wasilla to north of Willow, so thankfully I was on that, but sand and gravel were everywhere and some parts are quite close to the road.  Of course, that was were the semis went by me, too.  Oh well, gave me a taste of what the ride is going to be like!

Ciao!

A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. ~ Ayn Rand

Three more weeks until the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Bike Challenge and yes, I am still riding in it, and yes, I am training. In fact, between riding to my office and a few other places in addition to riding on the Glenn Highway bike path, Sunday I rode about 20 miles.  Slowly but surely I am getting ready for my 120 mile ride.

Sam had his Zometa transfusion last week for the bone mets.  He was doing Xgeva, but for some reason which I have yet to figure out, he has gone back to Zometa which is what he was on originally.  His appointment with Dr. Rabinowitz is Wednesday.  Hopefully Sam will remember to tell the doctor everything, including the fact his legs tend to stay very cold.  There are several possibilities for this occurrence, mainly the mets to his lower spine, hips and pelvic areas.  So once again, we shall see.  His mood, though, is terrific and I could not ask for more.

Last Friday we drove to Lake Louise and spent the night.  Saturday we drove along the Copper River and then drove to Nabesna in the Wrangell-St. Elias National Park.  The drive was beautiful even though about 10 miles from the end, I was just a tad bit stressed out as I was driving through mud, melting snow, streams, and eventually just plain snow!  Sam drove the last mile or so into Nabesna which is all of a few houses, a runway and a true Alaskan lodge.  Here's a link to a short blurb on the road:  http://www.nps.gov/wrst/planyourvisit/the-nabesna-road.htm.  Caribou were crossing the road the first 10-15 miles or so, we saw close to 100.  It was amazing.  We did take pictures, just have yet to download them.  Before arriving home, we stopped off at a car wash because that was the most 4-wheeling we had done in ages.  Sam was very proud of how dirty I had gotten the truck!

Ciao!

 

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs

Two years ago today proved to be the most challenging day of my life to date, even more so than the day we were given Sam's stage IV lung cancer diagnosis.  We were four months into learning about the diagnosis and we were both still working to wrap our minds completely around what was happening to us.  I had quit one job because the stress of both dealing with work and dealing with the initial absolute craziness of cancer was more than I could handle, and started another after a two month hiatus only because Sam realized he could no longer work.  Friday afternoon I was sitting in my office and received a text from Sam saying that he had moved out.  He did not even have the decency to call, only text, which told me many things.  I do not remember much about that day except the stress, the panic, and everything else a person experiences at moments like that, hit me full force.  I could hardly even talk.  The worst part was, I did not really know anyone in my office as I had only been there about six weeks and did not know where to turn or what to do.  I called my therapist and she was incredible because I was an absolute basket case, and I also called a mutual friend of ours.  At that point in time, not only was I grieving for losing my husband to an illness over which we had no control, but I was losing my husband because he claimed he could not live with me anymore and needed to get away.  We had already been in intensive counseling for four solid months; however, it was apparently not enough. Today, we both understand that he just needed to get away from everything or he was going to burst, as the saying goes. Neither of us understood that two years ago, we just both knew we were suffering more than either one of us could bear. I did not hear from him all day on Saturday, then on Sunday morning, he texted and asked me to meet him for breakfast, which I did.  During the entire meal, I was afraid to say anything, but he had a lot to say, mostly in anger.  His biggest fear was that I would not support him, that I would not listen to what he wanted, and therefore, when he is actually dying, I would be doing what I wanted, not what he wanted.  All I could think was, why would I do anything other than what he wanted?  Convincing him of that, though, has been an ongoing challenge for me.  He finally came home late Monday night, but not before he made me promise I would listen to and act on what he wanted when it came to dealing with the cancer.  I was so scared I would never see him again, it brings tears to my eyes even now.

Forget where we were going, but we were at the airport waiting to leave.

The reason I am telling you this is that I want to make you aware that this behavior is common for cancer patients, and more than likely all terminally ill individuals.  From what we have learned because of the struggle with losing the ability to control their life, the patient focuses on controlling whatever and whomever they can to make up for the loss.  We have come a long, long way in two years and I no longer have any fears of Sam leaving like that again.  If nothing else, even though we struggled with the issues of that weekend for many months, we are much stronger as individuals and as partners than ever before.  This is also a very long, and at least partial, explanation as to why we are able to maintain (at least for the most part) positive attitudes, because we know that no matter what, we have already been through the worst life can throw at us.  Now, we need to turn this negative into a positive and live the best lives we can for as long as we can as a team, not as two separate individuals on the same journey.  The sad part about all this is that there are many couples who do split up after a terrible diagnosis like this, mostly because the stress is simply quite unbelievable from so many different angles and there is absolutely no way one could ever be prepared for anything like this.  My heart breaks for everyone suffering from cancer as I know only too well what you are going through.  I wish I had words of wisdom to make it easier, but I do not, except for faith, hope and love.

On that note, today, two years later, we are doing terrific.  Sam spent the day making tentative summer plans for us, filling in more of his bucket list.  We hope to be able to take the Alaska Ferry to Kodiak for Memorial Day weekend and be a part of the Crab Festival.  He also signed up to take a Japanese course at UAA in the fall.  There is great hope for the future!

Ciao!

It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter, it feels like years since it’s been here, here comes the sun. -song Here’ Comes the Sun, Beatles

Summer is just around the corner and here is proof, the bears are starting to come out of their dens.  This past week the big excitement (besides the election issues) has been the sighting of a black bear in Bicentennial Park.  The crazy thing is, the snow is still rather deep, as the bear is almost standing on top of the interpretive sign.  http://www.adn.com/2012/04/13/2421834/spring-bear-in-bicentennial-park.html#id=2421828&view=large_view  The bear is on the same trail Sam and I go snowshoeing on in the winter and hiking/biking on in the summer.  Just makes life a little bit more exciting.

Our first snowshoe trip into Byers Lake Cabin #3.

Sam enjoyed a day out on Friday with a friend of ours from home.  Thank you, Lee, for taking Sam out snowshoeing!  He was quite talkative when I finally got home and, I must confess, I was not the best audience for all he had to tell me.  That is one of the things I really need to work on, especially since there will come a time when I will not have the pleasure of coming home to find Sam excited and full of energy about his day.  We had a long talk about that today, as a matter of fact, and we both need to adjust a bit - he needs to give me a few minutes when I get home and I need to be more willing to sit and listen.  My promotion at work means a higher level of responsibility and activity, so my brain is usually fried by the time I get home.  We will figure it out, though, so we just need to keep moving forward.

He still seems to be having issues with pain in his upper thigh and pelvic area. This next week when he sees the doctor, he is really hoping the doctor will say, ok, let's try the Alimta again, even though Sam and the doctor both said no more last December.  The nausea seems to be doing better since the doctor put him on an anti-nausea medication.  Thank goodness!  We never knew when it was going to hit, so every meal was a race against time to get things fixed and ready to go before the nausea set in.

As for me, 4 weeks from today is the 2012 Alaska Clean Air Challenge.  Today I picked up new tires, pedals and shoes at REI and I am hoping tomorrow Sam will have the energy to put them on for me.  My fundraising has been very successful, thank you to all who have contributed.  Because it has been so successful, I have increased my goal and I am hoping there are still others out there who want to donate.  http://action.lung.org/goto/daraglass will tell you all about it.  The Glass Half Full team is training hard!

Ciao!

"We ask justice, we ask equality, we ask that all the civil and political rights that belong to citizens of the United States, be guaranteed to us and our daughters forever." —Susan B. Anthony, Declaration of Rights for Women, July 1876

The year of the woman, 1876...or 2012?  Unbelievable we are going through all this again.  The gentleman from Wisconsin who is attempting to make the claim that women do not care about money because men are the breadwinners and this is why there is such a difference in pay between men and women, needs to come talk with me.  Sir, I am the breadwinner in this family.  In fact, I am the ONLY breadwinner in this family because my husband cannot work.  If you think for one moment that I do not care about money, you are sadly mistaken.  It is on my mind every minute of every day.  Yes, I make enough to pay our bills, but do I make enough to have saved for a rainy day?  No.  Do I make enough to have saved plenty for retirement?  No.  Do I make enough to cover any emergencies that are definitely going to arise as Sam progresses through his illness?  NO.  Am I making the same amount I would be making if I were a man?  Most definitely not.  Let me clarify, I am not complaining about how much I am paid, because I am paid very well for what I do.  That being said, I am not paid at the same level of my male counterparts for my level of education and experience.  Not even close.  It is a constant battle and it is extremely frustrating and very exhausting.  Let me tell you, though, I will never stop fighting for equality because not only am I fighting for myself, but I am fighting for every single female who comes after me.

Veggies at the State Fair last year.
Do these look like the veggies in your garden?

Ok, enough of today's rant.

Not having any current pictures to post, I decided to look in our "archives" and post a picture from last year's Alaska State Fair.  It is always amazing to us the size of the vegetables.  I thought seeing them might motivate the gardeners out there.  Did it work?

Things seem to be changing with Sam's health and I cannot decide whether it is mental, physical, or both. His activity level is much lower than it ever before and so is his energy level.  In some ways I am sure they are related (less exercise, less energy) but I also think that he is entering a new phase of the cancer and this is something I need to get used to.  Today he told me he feels that I am trying to get him to do things I want him to do and not encouraging and supporting him to make good decisions for himself.  Of course, being the person I am, I quickly denied it, but he is right in a way.  I want him to get out and walk in the fresh air and not just sit in his recliner all day. Exercise is very important for cancer patients, and he knows this.  However, I am slowly starting to understand that the pain is not only reaching a new and different level, it is also occurring in new places and he is trying to adjust to that.  It might be that his exercise is going to be limited to the weekends when I am able to convince him to go with me to the gym and use the treadmill and elliptical.  On the other hand, it might be he is bored out of his mind because he does brighten up and get excited when we talk about fishing!  I am thinking it is a combination of everything.  This is just part of the roller coaster ride of the cancer journey.

Work is extremely busy these days and for that, I am extremely grateful.  Makes the day go by faster and each day is different than the day before.  The best part is the people I work with. They are phenomenal and I truly enjoy being there.

Because work is so busy, I will not be posting every day.  I thought I better mention that if you have not already figured it out.  Sometimes by the time I get home my brain is completely fried and the last thing I want to do is work on the computer.  Please do not let that stop you from contacting us, though.  If any of you have a minute, and feel like chatting with someone, you can always call Sam.  If he is awake, he is always willing to chat, or at least listen.  Email me and I will be happy to give you his number.  Even better, if you live here, call him and see if he wants to go do something, but don't you dare tell him I told you to.  He does not read my blog so I am not worried about him seeing this...well...at least for now!

Make it a great day!

Ciao!

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright

A very fine line, if I do say so myself.  What an incredible weekend!  First Anchorage broke the all time record for snow.  I hit the "refresh" button on the NOAA website continually for 2 solid hours, I think, even though it stated clearly in black and white that the next update would be at 4pm.  However, there was another note which added "unless the record is broken before."  Well, the record was broken long before, but there was no update until 4:00.  No matter what, it was, and is, exciting and thankfully over. Now for the snow to melt and be gone.  This in-between stuff drives me bananas.  Sam and I worked on my bike, too, getting some "stuff" to make it better on top of the gear I picked up at REI with one of my team members, Violet, on Friday.  We are going to look good, if nothing else!

Sunday was beautiful and you will never guess what we did!  Our vacuum decided to take a break, so we ended up devoting a large portion of the day competing with each other in our attempts to make the darn thing work again.  Finally, we managed to combine our efforts and get it up and running, much to the chagrin of Rocky & Sweet Pea who run the second the closet door is opened because they are just certain the big green monster that lives in there is going to come out and get them!

In addition to all that fun and excitement, Sam took the opportunity on Sunday to inform me of another interesting thing which is happening to him. He told me that he experiences a pain "of sorts" in his left pelvic/thigh region.  Not quite sure what "of sorts" means, but it must be annoying enough for him to bring my attention to it.  He did call his doctor this morning and told his office about the nausea and everything else. They have put him on an anti-nausea pill for now.  Next week is his Xgeva treatment for the bone mets and an appointment with Dr. Rabinowitz, so we will know more at that time.

It has been several months since any change in Sam's cancer has occurred, so these new issues do not come as a surprise.  We just hoped it would be later rather than sooner before anything else changed.  Sam seems to think it is possible the doctor will suggest another Alimta (chemo) treatment.  Sam did 6 treatments last fall, 1x every 3 weeks for 6 treatments.  It wore him out and I do not know if Sam is really interested in doing that again.  We shall see.

Thank you again to all who have contributed to the Clean Air Challenge. I am really started to look forward to it.

Ciao!