Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes. Don Marquis

What a week.  That is about all I can say about it.  One minute things seem much better and the next they are not.  My friends in the online support group which I am a part of sadly confirm that I am not alone in dealing with the crabbiness.  Certainly does not make me feel any better, though. As people have heard me say this past week, this really sucks.  It is really sad, too, that this is the part of the cancer journey no one talks about because no one wants to make the cancer patient "look bad".  My thought is, there have got to be better ways  to handle this situation but no one is truly willing to address it. Very frustrating since it is not a matter of making the individual look bad, it is a matter of finding a better way to handle a simply awful situation. Admittedly, I probably am feeling a bit sorry for myself but it is not fun being the sounding board for someone else's anger.

However!  Nikki arrived the other night and we are now in Valdez searching out silvers (coho).  Tomorrow we are headed out on a boat.  Friends who were not here last week fished three days and went home with seven fish.  Not good odds.  Hopefully we will catch our limit and we will all go home happy.

Today we fished off the rocks, saw no silvers but plenty of humpys (pinks) and chum spawning and basically looking like zombie fish in the water.  Of course, I had to snag one and then could not shake it off my line.  Had to pull the darn thing in and fight to get the hook out of it.  All I can say is that it was totally gross.

Sam has not gotten much sleep the past few nights so hopefully he will tonight. He did manage a power nap late this afternoon, though. Thank goodness we have this cute little travel trailer and we are warm and dry.  Southcentral Alaska is supposed to be getting dumped on this weekend.

Well, we are off to check out the boat we are headed out on tomorrow.  We have to be up and ready to go at 6:30, so it will definitely be an early evening for us as well.  I promise...pictures!  And yes, we will be back in time for the Oregon game.

Ciao!

Nothing like paying the price for forgetfulness. me.

For someone who preaches to live each day to the fullest, I somehow managed to lose that focus and it is affecting my relationship with Sam to degrees I never imagined.  Tonight I received a sharp wake-up call and I aim to get back to that mantra quickly. It is like I got into a kind of lull regarding his illness instead of staying aware of the fact he could be gone in 5 minutes.  Sadly enough, it took a huge argument tonight for me to fully understand what is happening.  Spending my time being depressed is not a wise thing, either, but I do need to get back to live each day like it is your last mindset in order to keep things like tonight from happening again - very depressing, in case you are wondering.

I have no idea why I felt the need to put this out there, but that is what I am doing.  It is so interesting that Sam has yet to read my blog, his only concern is that I am honest and not misleading about his cancer, that I am not making incorrect statements about what is going on with him.  I do not believe I am, or have, but it is all in the eye of the beholder.

Terminal illness does such awful things to individuals and affects anyone and everyone around them in ways unimaginable.  When I attempt to put myself in Sam's shoes, it is difficult.  

More than anything, I want him to be comfortable, at peace, and enjoying a good quality of life.  Right now, I am not doing a very good job of making that happen and it is because I lost my focus.

So very grateful this day is over, and yet, so grateful Sam was finally able to get through to me the issue. 

He apparently slept a lot more than usual today, still does not feel good, and tomorrow is chemo.  I thought the sleeping was a good thing and he tells me the amount he slept is not a good thing which worries me.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Thank goodness.

Ciao.

It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the Union... Susan B. Anthony

The quote speaks for itself; therefore, there is no need for me to discuss it further.

Pink fireweed along Pretty Creek Road.

This evening I realized more than a week has passed since my last post.  Work is very busy and for several days last week and over the weekend, I worked out of the office, dragging Sam along with me with the exception of one day. Wednesday I inspected a new road and bridge on the west side of the Cook Inlet and along the road were pink(!) fireweed.  Fireweed is normally purple so this is very unusual.

Over the weekend we stayed at Alpine Creek Lodge on the Denali Highway while I worked on a project in the area.  The view from the lodge is phenomenal as it sits on the hillside overlooking the Susitna River valley.  We did get in a bit of fun, taking an ATV ride up the Windy Creek Road.  At first I thought Sam might not do well, but when I discovered the ATVs were actually more like mini-jeeps, I felt much more comfortable (although a bit disappointed we did not drive our own.)  His back seemed to handle it okay, plus it helped the road did not have any serious ruts or rocks to speak of.  To top it all off, we lucked out and saw two caribou which surprised us since it is hunting season in the area and we managed to pick about a gallon of blueberries.

That all being said, fatigue seems to be the name of the game right now.  Between the chemo treatments, the meds and the cancer itself, Sam does not have the energy he used to and spends a good deal amount of time sleeping, or at least resting.  Much more than he ever did before, in my opinion.  It is difficult for me to determine if I should be concerned or not, so I count on Sam to tell me if things are not right.  Chemo is  Friday and he will also see Dr. Rabinowitz at that time.  Sam told me earlier his blood count might be off again, so it will be interesting to see if this go round plays out like last time. I have yet to see the actual report from the CT scan done 3 weeks ago and I have no idea if Sam obtained a copy or not.  It is not one of those things I dare ask about, if you get my drift.

Fall is fast upon us here in Alaska, although I really do not believe winter ever truly left us.  The leaves are changing, berries are very ripe, crabapples are appearing, and in some places...that 4 letter word has appeared.  The best thing is Fall is for FOOTBALL.  The Ducks are ranked, the 'Horns are ranked, and my Broncos are questionable; however, just remember one year the Broncos lost all of their preseason games and went on to win the Super Bowl.  Just sayin'...

Ciao!

Fishing tournaments seem a little like playing tennis with living balls... ~Jim Harrison, Just Before Dark, 1991

Helen (daughter #2) arrived Wednesday evening and we promptly took off for Homer as my work took me to Ninilchik, Anchor Point, and Homer Thursday and Friday.  Helen's goal...to catch a fish as she is her father's daughter.  The challenge is that fishing in Alaska is not what it has been in prior year's, so the pressure was on.  Sadly, though, she is headed home tomorrow without catching a fish, but as she says, memories were created and that is what is most important.  Check out the video of Sam giving Helen fishing lessons at Bird Creek today, the last stop before we got home in hopes of maybe catching a fish.  Sam did hook a couple, lost one and the other was snagged which he had to let to go (Alaska State Law).

So proud!

Seward's Silver Salmon Derby started yesterday and we did not know that until our arrival late Friday night to spend the weekend.  As soon as we figured that out, we all bought our derby tickets for Saturday in hopes of catching the big one.  We fished in several different places, but the best was Lowell Beach.  We were there in the middle of the day just lazing around, no one really catching anything.  In fact, I sat down for a bit and then decide to give it one more try...and bam!  I had one on and hauled it in before Sam even realized what was going on.  Once I caught mine, all the men on the beach rushed out to start fishing because you know...there is nothing worse than being outfished by a girl.  Of course, I insisted on registering my silver salmon (Coho) with the Derby judges and for a quick 30 seconds, I was in 2nd place with an official catch of 7.91 pounds, 1st place at that point was 7.95.  Darn it!  Then, Mr. 10.72 pounds showed up and that moved me into 3rd place quite rapidly. Those two were caught by people on boats, so I was, and still am, quite proud I caught mine on the beach.  Helen is certain I am going to win the prize for the biggest one off the beach.  That would be awesome (and would shut a certain person who lives with me up...just sayin'....)  By the end of the Derby, there will be many silver salmon well over 10 pounds but my few seconds of glory were very exciting.  And no, in case you are wondering, Sam nor Helen caught anything in Seward.

Clouds over Resurrection Bay.

Helen has not seen her dad in over a year and I am so glad she finally decided to come for a visit. It is difficult to convey to the kids how Sam is doing, even though they have already been through this process with their mother.  They need to see him, though, and he needs to see them. All three kids are in college, though, so it is a challenge for them to get to Alaska from Virginia and still have a few days to spend here with us.  Nikki is coming out over Labor Day weekend and we have yet to figure out plans for Alex.

Sam seems to be doing pretty good although yesterday was a challenging day. Friday was the one week mark from his chemo treatment and each treatment so far either brings different side effects or different timing of the side effects.  We made it through, though, and that is a good thing.  On my part, I need to constantly remind myself of the chemo because I tend to forget and then sit there wondering what in the world has brought on this crazy behavior.  Once I am aware of what is happening, I am better able to get a grip on my attitude and not feel the need to rise up and fight back thinking I need to defend myself.  Rather, I am able to calmly listen to what Sam is saying and move on.  Unfortunately, yesterday it took a couple hours of arguing for me to realize what was happening and back off.  Even then, it still took the entire day for me to gain some control over the situation and also reassure Sam that I indeed was listening to what he was saying.  Today, I am exhausted.

Yesterday he did tell me that he thinks we should visit some assisted living facilities here in Anchorage to get an idea of what is out there if we decide to go that route. Hearing Sam talk about that was extremely difficult for me as I want him here at home but it might not be the best option when the time comes.  Obviously that remains to be seen.

And no, we still do not (or at least I do not) know the actual results of the CT scan.  Still waiting for Sam to pick up the report at the hospital.

As for me, usually by Friday I am completely exhausted. Work is extremely busy and Sam demands my attention in the evenings when I get home.  Sunday evenings, because we live for the weekends, are spent rushing around doing laundry and attempting to clean house.  When Brian was here I told him cleaning is not a priority because I just have too many other things which are priorities.  Sam piped up with a "her Mom told me when we got married that she is not very domestic..."  Thanks Mom, although as I tried to explain to both Sam and Brian, I do not really think my mother was saying I do not clean, I think she was trying to convey to Sam work and play are much more important to me than staying home and cleaning house. One of these days I hope to hire a house cleaner, or rather, condo cleaner, and then I just will not have to worry about it again.

Ok, I am rambling.

Ciao!

Yeah. Ok. Whatever. Me, upon Sam calling to say the doctor had called.

Although we were to hear first thing this morning on the CT scan results, we did not hear until this afternoon. Even now, though, I am not certain the CT scan results were actually relayed to Sam instead of something else.  Friday during chemo the nurse mentioned he might need a shot for the off-kilter hemoglobin.  She called him later on Friday to tell him, no, he would not need the shot.  This morning he was at the doctor's office picking up an insurance document and no one said a word about anything except giving him the document.  This afternoon the nurse called and said the results came back at 7:15 Friday night and that he does need the shot after all, so he is headed back over there right now.  I have yet to figure out if these results were from the CT scan or from the lab tests.  Who knows?  As of right now, I am going with there are no blood clots until I hear differently...and if I do hear differently, I will not be caught by surprise.

Have I ever told you how much I love roller coasters?

Ciao!

Patience is not my best virtue. My own thoughts today

Sam's chemo treatments are normally quite unexciting.  Today, though, he told the doctor (and finally me) that he is experiencing chest pain and has been for about 10 days, plus his hemoglobin count is off. They sent him for a CT scan because there is now cause for concern that he might have a blood clot in his lungs.  Since it is Friday...guess what...we will not know anything until Monday morning.  So, I decided that all of you will just need to wait right along with me.  Waiting is definitely the hardest part.

We are headed back to the Little Su since our camp trailer is still there; however, if there is any fishing done, it will be from the bank and probably not more than 20-30 minutes at a time.  He is tired and his skin kind of has a little tint to it.  Of course, it could just be me trying not to freak myself out.  

On that note...have a terrific weekend everyone!

Ciao!

The two best times to fish is when it's rainin' and when it ain't. Patrick F. McManus

Before I get started with our fishing adventures, there is one small thing I must discuss with my Anchorage friends.  If I ever see any of you pulling into the bike lane at 15th & Cordova to make a right hand turn, and then make that turn on red although there is a sign staring you in the face telling you a right turn on red is ILLEGAL and that the lane you are in is for bikes ONLY, I will be the first person emailing the picture of you doing that with your license plate number directly to the city, the police and anyone else I can think of! Also, please be aware that if I cannot obtain your license plate at that moment, I will chase you down until I am able to do so.  This morning I even honked at the guy who pulled right up next to me and pointed it out to him...whereupon I realized he is an EMT because he had his uniform on.  Unbelievable.  OK, I will stop here with my ranting and raving just because I want to move on and talk about other things but just know I am still worked up about this and it has been a good 12 hours since I saw this guy.

Sam fishing on the Little Su.

Sam and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this week.  We both agreed it does not seem that long because so much has happened in those 8 years.  Most of it has been fun although there have been a few blips on the screen, specifically Sam's cancer.  Plus, the Ducks not winning the BCS and Denver drafting Tebow, both of which hopefully are rectified in the very near future!

Silvers are slowly coming into the Little Su, one of our favorite fishing spots, so Sam decided he wanted to spend the week up there.  I spent the weekend and came home Monday morning for work.  Tuesday night I went back up and took Wednesday off from work to celebrate our anniversary, although it was one day late.  Sam had already been fishing and so I decided to go out Wednesday morning with some of our campground neighbors.  Good thing, too, because we all limited out.  We came home last night with 5 fish, 4 silvers (sockeye) and 1 humpy (pink).  Humpies are not at the top of our list, but if you eat them while they are fresh, they are pretty good.  We will probably end up canning it, though, and will share with Rocky the Cat because salmon is the next best thing to Heaven as far as he is concerned and he is not a salmon snob.

Sam came back to town with me this morning as he had labs in preparation for his chemo treatment tomorrow.  We will head back to the Little Su for the weekend, coming home Sunday night.  Helen arrives on Wednesday to spend a few days with us, so Sam is already focusing on what to do next week while she is here.  Seward is on the agenda for at least next weekend.

His weight seems to be leveling off and his appetite has picked up for which I am extremely grateful.  Fatigue sets in after a few hours, so he spends a lot of his time napping.  Overall his temperament is good, although I will tell you the grumpiness rears its ugly head at the most surprising moments.  Hopefully the current scenario of side effects are the worst we will experience, although I will reiterate I do not like the grumpiness at all.

As for me, life is great. Sam and I are happy, work is terrific, my boss is awesome, my colleagues are the absolute best and I live in one of the most incredibly beautiful states in the US.  What more can a person ask for?  One of these days, you must come visit.

Ciao!