I am told the pain lessens as time goes by. In fact, I know it does. Just wish time would hurry up. Each day I miss Sam just as much as the day before. How I handle it, though, improves each day. I could ramble on and on about how much I miss him, so I will not bore you with that. Just suffice it to say, every day is subtly different, not easier, just different. There is an overbearing sadness within me yet I do my best to focus on happiness. It is not only what I want but what Sam would want as well. Make the most of each and every day...it is what we all should be doing
Tomorrow is a new day and I cannot wait to see what it brings.
q'ua
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones smile down to let us know that they are happy. Eskimo proverb
Today marked four weeks since Sam passed. It almost seems surreal to me. Several times throughout the day I find myself wanting to text him to tell him something or ask his opinion or just to say hi. Each time it almost startles me to realize he is not here anymore. I do still talk with him, though. If I listen closely, he does respond...or at least, that is what I chose to believe.
Slowly I am responding to all the flowers, plants, cards, emails, calls, and texts I received from all of you. The support I received is almost overwhelming and deeply appreciated. My family (Glass and Evans) received a great amount as well. Thank you for your kind thoughts, words, and prayers. The two celebrations of life proved to be very different, each providing a closing to various chapters of Sam's life as well as a celebration of his passing on to the next.
For all of you wondering, I am staying in Alaska. Sam and I became Alaskans the minute we crossed the state line. It is our home.
As to what is going on behind these closed doors? Well, his clothes are still in the closet and dresser. One of his Oregon sweatshirts is still draped over the back of a dining room chair, right where he left it. His shoes are still tossed in a corner in the bedroom. Many things are still in the same place as they were before. Yesterday I made my first Costco run in two months and I also did laundry for the first time in a couple weeks, both of which forced me to put some things away or move them around. I have no idea how long I will keep his things with me, but I will not be doing anything with them until I am ready and not a minute before.
If I sound angry, I guess I am a little bit because those questions were asked of me in the first week he was gone. I admit, I was caught by surprise. Everyone grieves differently, though, as well as survives differently. For me, it gives me strength to have Sam's things around me, makes me feel like he is still here with me. I talk with him every morning and every night and it makes me feel good. One of these days I might wake up and decide today is the day to give his clothes away, but then again, it might not ever happen. I just do not know so I am just taking it one day at a time and doing the best that I can, continuing, and building upon, the life we built together.
Admittedly, it does help that my Denver Broncos are kicking butt.
q'ua
Slowly I am responding to all the flowers, plants, cards, emails, calls, and texts I received from all of you. The support I received is almost overwhelming and deeply appreciated. My family (Glass and Evans) received a great amount as well. Thank you for your kind thoughts, words, and prayers. The two celebrations of life proved to be very different, each providing a closing to various chapters of Sam's life as well as a celebration of his passing on to the next.
For all of you wondering, I am staying in Alaska. Sam and I became Alaskans the minute we crossed the state line. It is our home.
As to what is going on behind these closed doors? Well, his clothes are still in the closet and dresser. One of his Oregon sweatshirts is still draped over the back of a dining room chair, right where he left it. His shoes are still tossed in a corner in the bedroom. Many things are still in the same place as they were before. Yesterday I made my first Costco run in two months and I also did laundry for the first time in a couple weeks, both of which forced me to put some things away or move them around. I have no idea how long I will keep his things with me, but I will not be doing anything with them until I am ready and not a minute before.
If I sound angry, I guess I am a little bit because those questions were asked of me in the first week he was gone. I admit, I was caught by surprise. Everyone grieves differently, though, as well as survives differently. For me, it gives me strength to have Sam's things around me, makes me feel like he is still here with me. I talk with him every morning and every night and it makes me feel good. One of these days I might wake up and decide today is the day to give his clothes away, but then again, it might not ever happen. I just do not know so I am just taking it one day at a time and doing the best that I can, continuing, and building upon, the life we built together.
Admittedly, it does help that my Denver Broncos are kicking butt.
q'ua
Friday, September 6, 2013
Imagine that, how sweet it'd be To have you here again with me Oh lord, I wish I had you back But all I can do is imagine that. "Imagine That" lyrics by Don Williams
Tonight one of our friends posted this on Facebook and it was the first thing I saw when I logged on. It truly is the only thing I can do. My heart hurts in ways I never thought it could. Yet, sometimes it seems like it is all a dream. Sam should be here with me, taking the trailer out for one last weekend, camping in the rain, getting ready for football, wondering if there is going to be termination dust on the peaks when the clouds finally rise, and every other little thing I am now doing alone. Yes, I truly believe he is here with me as my angel, but I want to be able to reach out and touch him and that is not possible. Evenings, nights and weekends are the hardest because those are the times I spent exclusively with Sam. Most of the time, there are no tears, just an aching pain that will ease with time but more than likely will never go away. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want people to understand that just because I am not in tears does not mean I am not grieving. Sometimes the tears come suddenly and quite unexpectedly and other times, I am prepared for them because I am learning what triggers them. Tonight as I left our "adopted Alaska parents" house, I felt tears because Sam would have had so much fun with them this evening. I know he was there in spirit, though, because I felt his presence several times throughout the evening.
q'ua
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Death is no more than passing from one room into another. But there's a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see. Helen Keller
For Sam, passing from one room to another means he is no longer in pain and suffering. For several days prior to his peaceful passing, he struggled mightily against the pain he experienced. I cannot tell you what it did to my heart and soul to watch and to listen to his battle. At times I could not bear it, nor could anyone else around, Brian, our pastor Ron, and others. Many many thanks to our friend, Dr. Mike Kirkham, who provided me the guidance necessary to work with hospice and request the things Sam needed.
Personally, I am doing pretty good. As I have mentioned to many people, Sam and I have had four years to grieve and prepare for this. No, it does not make it any easier, but the grieving is not as intense. Yesterday I had several "moments" as my mother refers to them, but to me, that is to be expected. I allow the moment to happen, experience it, and move on. More than likely these will continue to happen to one extreme or another for the rest of my life.
I miss Sam more than I can put into words. My life consisted of Sam, the cats, work, and a little bit of me for the past four years, and actually, our entire marriage, long before we knew Sam was sick. Half of me is now gone so I have this huge void. Last night I wandered aimlessly around the condo before finally forcing myself to go to bed. Sweet Pea followed me in my wanderings as she is even more confused than I am.
A Celebration of Life is scheduled for this Saturday, August 31, at the First United Methodist Church in downtown Anchorage at 10:00am. A second one is scheduled for 1:00pm, Saturday, September 14, at the United Methodist Church in John Day, Oregon. His ashes will be interred at the Fort Richardson National Cemetery here in Anchorage at a later date, yet to be determined. There will be an obituary in both the Anchorage Daily News and the Blue Mountain Eagle.
Sam spent many hours volunteering at the Anchorage Animal Shelter and he asked that donations be made to it or the American Lung Association - Alaska.
q'ua
Personally, I am doing pretty good. As I have mentioned to many people, Sam and I have had four years to grieve and prepare for this. No, it does not make it any easier, but the grieving is not as intense. Yesterday I had several "moments" as my mother refers to them, but to me, that is to be expected. I allow the moment to happen, experience it, and move on. More than likely these will continue to happen to one extreme or another for the rest of my life.
I miss Sam more than I can put into words. My life consisted of Sam, the cats, work, and a little bit of me for the past four years, and actually, our entire marriage, long before we knew Sam was sick. Half of me is now gone so I have this huge void. Last night I wandered aimlessly around the condo before finally forcing myself to go to bed. Sweet Pea followed me in my wanderings as she is even more confused than I am.
A Celebration of Life is scheduled for this Saturday, August 31, at the First United Methodist Church in downtown Anchorage at 10:00am. A second one is scheduled for 1:00pm, Saturday, September 14, at the United Methodist Church in John Day, Oregon. His ashes will be interred at the Fort Richardson National Cemetery here in Anchorage at a later date, yet to be determined. There will be an obituary in both the Anchorage Daily News and the Blue Mountain Eagle.
Sam spent many hours volunteering at the Anchorage Animal Shelter and he asked that donations be made to it or the American Lung Association - Alaska.
q'ua
Monday, August 26, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Just a quick check in. Sam is sleeping peacefully right now and did so for most of the day. Tonight he talked about going "upstairs" again and asked where Rocky is because he wants Rocky to come with him. I told him Rocky is waiting whenever Sam is ready and he nodded his head at that.
Had a last minute brunch with the book club this morning. It proved to be very therapeutic for me, so thank you each and every one of you.
Tonight is quite peaceful and lovely, both inside the condo and outside. A beautiful Alaska evening.
q'ua
Had a last minute brunch with the book club this morning. It proved to be very therapeutic for me, so thank you each and every one of you.
Tonight is quite peaceful and lovely, both inside the condo and outside. A beautiful Alaska evening.
q'ua
Friday, August 23, 2013
It's not what you've got, it's what you use that makes a difference. Zig Ziglar
Friday night. In the past, Sam and I spent Friday nights racing to wherever our weekend retreat was. Tonight, we spent it at home, dealing with the most of exciting things in a person's life, constipation. Oh joy. He is in a vicious cycle, the more pain meds, the worst the constipation. The worse the constipation, the more pain meds are needed. There needs to be a better way.
Brian Mac arrived last night which made Sam quite happy, although there were times throughout the day today when Sam did not know how or why Brian is here...or for that matter, who Brian is. He is often very confused, such as the time a couple days ago when I could tell he was not very sure who I was. I asked him if he knew my name and he rattled some name off in Russian. It has been over 20 years since he was in Russia! His sense of humor right now is very funny albeit in an odd sort of way. How can anything be funny right now? On the other hand, laughter is the best medicine so he is doing the best he can without realizing it to make the transition softer for us. I wish I could share with you all the things he has said over the past few days which have made me laugh, but I just cannot. There are so many and then I have to take a deep breath to stop myself from immediately bursting into tears at the sadness of it all.
Sam does keep repeating "life is not fair." No it sure is not, but I refuse to play the victim, although I certainly have my moments - especially when he puts his arms around and tells me how sorry he is.
Most of the time now, though, he is only here in body. His spirit and mind are elsewhere. He told Brian and I he had a joke for us tonight. Neither of us could even begin to follow it let alone try to make sense of it and he thought it was really funny. I still have not been able to figure it out.
He is talking more and more of "upstairs", the "people over there," and other innuendos. I know it is only a matter of time, but who knows how much time exactly. I am just doing my best to keep him as pain free as possible in the meantime.
I already miss him.
q'ua
Brian Mac arrived last night which made Sam quite happy, although there were times throughout the day today when Sam did not know how or why Brian is here...or for that matter, who Brian is. He is often very confused, such as the time a couple days ago when I could tell he was not very sure who I was. I asked him if he knew my name and he rattled some name off in Russian. It has been over 20 years since he was in Russia! His sense of humor right now is very funny albeit in an odd sort of way. How can anything be funny right now? On the other hand, laughter is the best medicine so he is doing the best he can without realizing it to make the transition softer for us. I wish I could share with you all the things he has said over the past few days which have made me laugh, but I just cannot. There are so many and then I have to take a deep breath to stop myself from immediately bursting into tears at the sadness of it all.
Sam does keep repeating "life is not fair." No it sure is not, but I refuse to play the victim, although I certainly have my moments - especially when he puts his arms around and tells me how sorry he is.
Most of the time now, though, he is only here in body. His spirit and mind are elsewhere. He told Brian and I he had a joke for us tonight. Neither of us could even begin to follow it let alone try to make sense of it and he thought it was really funny. I still have not been able to figure it out.
He is talking more and more of "upstairs", the "people over there," and other innuendos. I know it is only a matter of time, but who knows how much time exactly. I am just doing my best to keep him as pain free as possible in the meantime.
I already miss him.
q'ua
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