q'ua
Friday, September 6, 2013
Imagine that, how sweet it'd be To have you here again with me Oh lord, I wish I had you back But all I can do is imagine that. "Imagine That" lyrics by Don Williams
Tonight one of our friends posted this on Facebook and it was the first thing I saw when I logged on. It truly is the only thing I can do. My heart hurts in ways I never thought it could. Yet, sometimes it seems like it is all a dream. Sam should be here with me, taking the trailer out for one last weekend, camping in the rain, getting ready for football, wondering if there is going to be termination dust on the peaks when the clouds finally rise, and every other little thing I am now doing alone. Yes, I truly believe he is here with me as my angel, but I want to be able to reach out and touch him and that is not possible. Evenings, nights and weekends are the hardest because those are the times I spent exclusively with Sam. Most of the time, there are no tears, just an aching pain that will ease with time but more than likely will never go away. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want people to understand that just because I am not in tears does not mean I am not grieving. Sometimes the tears come suddenly and quite unexpectedly and other times, I am prepared for them because I am learning what triggers them. Tonight as I left our "adopted Alaska parents" house, I felt tears because Sam would have had so much fun with them this evening. I know he was there in spirit, though, because I felt his presence several times throughout the evening.
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Embrace. I am not sure your missing will ever go away. There will be a song, an experience, a smell and the remembrance will be there of Sam. He will always be with you. Embrace and know your thoughts, feelings, grief, aching, are all okay to feel and to be. Dream state may stay awhile; I have been through that before - years ago when my brother, Greg, died; 10, 20 years later I still wondered occasionally when am I going to wake up from this dream. "Dallas" ruin that for us. ;) You are amazing - feel Sam, he is with you.
ReplyDeleteDara, Yes, the grieving is so hard, much harder than I'd ever anticipated. There are many reasons. Key is one I felt when Dan died -- a part of me died too. Kelly articulated this concept in a quote posted today on cc. Because without the person that has been so interwoven in your relationship, you are not the same you you were. Who are you? Who will you be? I share your grief in a very real way. God bless. KarenS
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