We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. Eleanor Roosevelt

Tonight's conversation concerned a subject I am unable to completely wrap my mind around yet; although Sam voiced confidence in me to make the decision when the time comes.  My  mind, however, does not yet allow me, for whatever reason, be it fear, denial, or just flat out do not want to, think about having to make a decision regarding my personal wants or Sam's constant battle with pain.

After our return from Hawaii, we began a routine of me putting lotion on Sam's feet, legs, arms and back.  His skin is so very dry from all the radiation, chemo, drugs, and the crazy Alaska weather, it requires all the additional moisturization it can get.  Tonight he started talking about how much easier it would be to just put his body in a "box" with his head sitting on top, that it would just solve all his problems, the pain, the dryness, the cold and hot spells, whathaveyou.  I have yet to figure out what exactly is in the "box" he referred to, but he did emphasize his mind would still be functioning.  In my attempt to follow this conversation, I told him I am not yet ready for that as I want him to still be able to walk and live as normal as possible and that I do not know if I would ever be able to make that decision.  Sam responded by telling me he is confident I can and will make the decision when the time comes.  It suddenly occurred to me Sam is making every effort to live as normal a life as possible for me and at some point, I am going to find it necessary to tell him it is ok for him to stop.  Ohmigosh.  Are you even able to follow my rambling?  For the first time in weeks I find myself in tears knowing that Sam is continuing to suffer intense pain while trying to keep me happy.  It is more than I can bear.

Sam walking near Bird Point

On the outside, Sam really does appear to be doing great, but obviously, on the inside, he is truly suffering.  At some point, probably sooner than I anticipate, we will need to discuss a different way of managing his pain and that decision will definitely affect his quality of life.  I pray it is still many months away, if not years.  I guess that all remains to be seen.

February 15 is the 9th anniversary of the phone call which brought us together. Hard to believe it has already been 9 years.  I am so grateful he is still here with me.  My goal since his diagnosis has been our 10 year wedding anniversary, so he still has 18 months to go.  How dare I ask him to do that if the pain is too much?  Or perhaps by then, a clinical trial or a new targeted therapy will become available which increases his survival rate and improves his quality of life.  That would simply be awesome.

q'ua

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one. ~Elbert Hubbard

That would be me!  Although we just got home Sunday morning (very early, I might add) from our vacation, I am more than ready to go again.

Waimea Canyon aka the Grand Canyon of the Pacific

Sam handled the traveling fairly well, much better than either of us anticipated.  The snorkeling, on the other hand, proved to be a bit more challenging than he anticipated, but luckily he quickly figured that out.  Once we got home, the exhaustion set in and he is still recovering today, 2 days later.

Sam & Dara, Kauai 2013

Just before we left, Sam received the results from his last CT scan.  The doctor told him there was no change from the scan Sam had 3 months ago.  Honestly, I never know whether or not to believe this or not since I do not go to the doctor appointments with him, so I only have to go on what he tells me.  From my previous experiences at these appointments with him, I can say Sam often does not hear everything that is said.  But if he says there has been no change, that is what I go with.

So many things happened in the world while we were on vacation!  Just to name a couple:  My Denver Broncos lost a heart breaker - luckily it was the first full day of our vacation so I rebounded quickly!  Chip Kelly left the Oregon Ducks for the Philadelphia Eagles - Sam seems to be dealing with that just fine.  Priorities.  We will be yelling for the Niners in the Super Bowl because west is best, don't ya know?!  Plus, the Niners are Sam's favorite NFL team although Seattle ranks right up there, too.

Work is going really well for me, in case anyone is wondering.  I still feel the same about it when I was hired, it is like the job I have been searching for all my life; and now, I am no longer searching.

q'ua

Happy New Year!

A new year!  And as several people pointed out to me, this year is the first time since 1987 that the year is made up of 4 different digits.  Your trivia for the day.

13-3.  Broncos.  'Nuff said.

Christmas 2012

Sam and I enjoyed ourselves the past couple weeks, watching football, relaxing, praying for snow, watching football, praying very hard for snow, watching more football, and praying even harder for snow.  Anchorage received a bit and then after our long unending deep freeze, the weather took a crazy turn and we headed for a tropical punch.  Pretty crazy.  Some snow is still on the ground, but not much. And because we want true warmth and lots of sunshine, we made our plans the other night and Sam and I are headed for Kauai in a week or so.  Our apologies to all our friends and family on the mainland. This is a good time for me to get away because although work is very busy right now, in a few weeks, it is going to be even more so getting ready for summer.

Admittedly, I am slightly nervous.  Ok, more than slightly.  Sam's energy level is pretty much next to nothing and because I know I will drive him nuts constantly looking at him to make sure he is still breathing while we are on the plane, I need to find something to keep me very busy or just flat out asleep.  He mentioned last May we should make this trip but I did not dare follow up on it.  The last time we flew he experienced difficulties but hopefully this time he knows what he needs to do in order to not let those things happen.  He says he does and I believe him.  I think.

Friday is his 3 month CT scan since the chemo ended.  Next week we will learn if the chemo slowed the progression in his lungs or not.  Because of this crazy roller coaster ride we are on, I refuse to get my hopes up one way or the other.  Or perhaps a better way to put it is hope for the best and expect the worst.  That way, I will not be disappointed.

Christmas I experienced a few moments of wondering if this is our last together.  Granted, a person never knows when they are going to die, but most of us expect to live well into our 70s, 80s, and 90s, not our 50s.  I only allowed myself to go there a few minutes with Sam and then we both pushed the thought out of our minds and went on with the evening.  Unfortunately, though, the thought is always there.  I see it but I choose to only recognize it.  This was our fourth Christmas living with the cancer and each year is getting a bit easier.  Perhaps I am at a plateau with the grieving.  We shall see, I suppose, although everyone tells me (the doctors, my support group, etc.) that the more grieving I do on "this side" the less grieving I will do on "the other."  Have I mentioned that before?  I just experienced a de ja vu moment, so I apologize if so.

2013 is going to be a great year and I am truly looking forward to living life to its fullest to the best of not only my ability, but our ability together.  Making memories.

q'ua

True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us. Socrates

Tonight I am exhausted and tomorrow is another long day at work.  Something Sam said tonight, though, really got to me and decided to share it rather than dwell on it by myself.  So you all get to think about it with me.  You lucky people!  Anyway, he told me he is looking at wheelchairs.  He did not say why or how soon or what if or anything else, it just came up in conversation, oddly enough, when a commercial came on featuring Segways.  Apparently Segway is making wheelchairs now, according to him.  Interesting.

There are many things in life that will catch your eye. But only a few will catch your heart....Ben Crenshaw

Another two weeks past in a flurry and here I am thinking I better write something or people are going to begin to wonder!  Anchorage is back into its deep freeze, although we did manage to get about a foot of snow last week, all of which is still on the ground and we are now in a wonderland of white.  It is beautiful but ohmigosh, it is cold.  Best thing is, the winter solstice is in a few days which means...a few more months and it is fishing season again!

Fishing for silvers on the Deshka.

Today my dad is celebrating two weeks of feeling his feet.  Now that may sound a bit crazy but he injured his back when he was 10 and the injury became worse over the years, especially playing football, baling hay, chasing kids, falling off the Thrift Shop roof in John Day, and a variety of other things.  He finally found a neurosurgeon in Corvallis who wanted to do something about it.  Dr. Cliff Roberson, an Iditarod veteran, knew he could help Dad, and he did just that.  We are all so grateful to him being willing to take a huge risk, as Dad also has severe heart problems, and work on Dad's back.  The hope is that it will alleviate much of Dad's pain as well as other medical issues.  The greatest result, though, is that Dad is able to feel his feet again.  How awesome is that!  Mom and Dad celebrate 53 years on Wednesday, so this year is extra special.

Sam's doing ok.  Last week marked three years since the diagnosis of his stage IV non-small cell lung cancer.  Wow.  We are grateful for each and every day.  His energy lasts only about 30 minutes a day now and then he is done.  Not until late last week did I realize how much his lack of energy and tremendous amount of fatigue bothers me.  A couple nights I found myself in tears that Sam is unable to do the things he loves to do. Our weekend jaunts are no longer since he cannot sit in the truck for more than 1/2 hour.  Last Saturday my company had its holiday party. In past years, the two of us often left last...then last year, we left when the band started, and this year, Sam did not even go which proved to be difficult for both of us. Through no fault of his own, my husband in many ways is not my husband anymore.  Funny thing is, I think he is on the same wave length.  During the week we do not sleep together because he is in such intense pain throughout the night and wakes several times, sometimes for hours at a time.  So, to make it easier and less stressful for both of us, we limit sleeping together to weekends...and that is only if he feels okay enough to handle another person moving around. Tonight, he suggested we look at purchasing some new furniture so we can be close for an hour or so in the evenings during the week and perhaps then the two of us will feel better about our lives.  Sometimes his thoughtfulness truly takes me by surprise.  Another new chapter, though, no matter which way you look at it. If we cannot sleep together, we can at least spend some time together on the same piece of furniture rather than across the room from each other.  Just in case you are wondering...our couch is not in the least bit comfortable for Sam.  

Sam is still talking about Hawaii next month, so I guess I better start doing something about that.  Luckily, last spring in the Clean Air Challenge bike ride, I won two roundtrip tickets anywhere Alaska Airlines goes.  And by the way, fundraising for that starts in January!

q'ua

Shake, rattle, and roll! What we did this afternoon in the upper Cook Inlet region.

Wow.  Anchorage experienced an earthquake today and a good one at that.  5.7-5.9 depends on who you ask.  http://www.aeic.alaska.edu/Seis/recent/sub/quakes/2012339_evid10612174/evid10612174.html
The CIRI building is a fairly new one so there is no damage that we are aware of.  The length is what most frightened people, I think, because it lasted what seemed like a lifetime but probably ended up being only 45-60 seconds.  Oh boy!  

Sam making his homemade sourdough dinner rolls.

Sam and I enjoyed a relatively quiet Thanksgiving, Skyping with his mom and sister, and with my parents and one set of my many aunts and uncles.  We watched a lot of football (if you can imagine) and otherwise, stayed home.  Anchorage headed into its November deep freeze which we have yet to come out of.  Sam cooked and I grazed the entire day.  Perfect day, if you ask me.  Thanksgiving is my favorite meal to fix, however, Sam enjoys it too, so I am quite happy to just let him do his thing.   

He is feeling pretty good, although standing on his feet all day on Thanksgiving did wear him out.  Took him a few days to recover from that.  His "happy pills" are making a huge difference in his mood, which is extremely pleasing to me.  On the 26th, Sam saw his oncologist who told him some of his issues are "age" related.  Hmmmm...wonder what he meant by that?  The next CT exam is scheduled for after the first of the year, so until then, no doctors visits, tests, or anything unless something happens which requires a doctor.  Hopefully it will be a quiet holiday season for us.  Unless, of course, there happens to be more earthquakes.

In football news, the Ducks are going to the Fiesta Bowl, the Longhorns are playing the Beavers in the Alamo Bowl (I will be yelling for the winning team), Boise State Broncos are going to the Las Vegas Bowl and my Denver Broncos are kicking butt.  All things football are good.

In case I do not post before December 8, Happy Hanukkah!

q'ua

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.--John F. Kennedy

Attitude of gratitude.  Just simply being reminded to be grateful brings a smile to my face and a peaceful feeling to my soul.  There are so many things for which I am grateful and I know, without them, I would not be where I am today.  Most of all, I am eternally grateful for my friends and family who are too numerous to mention. Know though, that although I might only see or talk with you once in a great while, each and every one of you have made an impact on my life and for that, I am grateful.

Winner Creek Trail marker at Alyeska

Sam is doing quite well at this point, relatively speaking.  Last weekend we spent at Alyeska, a resort approxmiately 40 miles south of Anchorage.  It is one of our favorite "getaway" spots and it did provide some rest and "cancer free" moments, such as eating at our favorite spot, The Silvertip Grill.  On the other hand, it served as an eye opener for me.  During our past visits, we went on many hikes along the Winner Trail as well as along the multi-user path which goes from the resort to the Seward Highway.  This time, however, we made it about 1/4 mile in on the Winner Creek Trail and Sam hit his max.  I suspected his breathing capabilities were not what they had been, but he refused to really let me know...until I saw it for myself. Going up stairs is a challenge, and it is a very slow process.  Watching him struggle with activities he dearly loves broke my heart; yet because I cannot allow myself to become immersed in the sadness of it all, I literally pushed those thoughts out of my mind. They are there, though, just under the surface.  Here is my energetic, outdoor-loving, athletic husband struggling to do something he used to give me grief for in not being able to keep up with him.  Now, it is the exact opposite (although I do not give him grief, let me be very clear on that.) Today he told me he tries to walk 20 minutes each day in order to keep his circulation going and his muscles from atrophying.

Sam hiking at Alyeska

As for his mood, it is much better and he informed me that the doctor prescribed a low dose of Lexapro for his mood and anxiety issues.  Now I know why things are so much better.  Whatever it takes,  although a win yesterday by his Ducks would have made the world a much better place as well!
However, my Denver Broncos are doing awesome, so all is well in my world!

This past week I spent at two different conferences, the first at the Alaska Chapter of the American Planning Association and the second at the Resource Development Council.  Let me just say...there is a huge difference between the APA's mindset and the RDC's mindset.  For those of you who live in Alaska, I am sure you know what I mean.  I will leave it at that and say no more.

The weather here in Anchorage is getting cold and colder, not much snow, but enough to let us know winter is here.  My sled dog musher friends are grateful for the cold because it provides a more stable environment for practice runs. Alyeska opens for skiing this week, so that will make many others happy, too.  "They" say that we are supposed to have just as much snow this winter as last, however, so far, it does not look like it.  On the other hand, March and April are the snowiest months, so I probably should not get too excited.

In case I do not post before Thursday, to those of you in America, I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!

q'ua