I get along with all the women singers, but especially Dolly Parton. We talk the same hillbilly language. Loretta Lynn

My Aunt Deanna, who passed away last week after a gallant fight with cancer, always reminded me of a combination of the female country singers including Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, Emmylou Harris and Dolly Parton.  Music filled her home constantly and tomorrow music will fill the air celebrating her life.  It makes me very sad knowing I am not there with my family but I know in my heart Aunt Deanna understands why I am not.  Enjoy your never-ending bubble bath in the sky, Auntie Dee, as well as all the halibut you can eat.  I will miss you.

Sam's BFF left Saturday night on the red-eye.  What a week those two had, lots of fish and several bear encounters.  Here's a link to a video of one, at about the 4.5 minute mark is when things start getting exciting.  Lucky me chose to stay at the campground, so I missed the entire thing, thank goodness.  

Sam & Brian's Grizzly Encounter  

This is a black bear we saw our first night at the Russian River.  The grizzly encounter was our last night there.  OHMIGOSH is about all I can say.

During the week while I surveyed logging roads and did other fun work things, Sam and Brian hung out, fished, went to Seward, and basically seemed to have a good time overall.  It definitely was good for both of them to spend quality time together. 

The week prior Sam had his 2nd chemo treatment of Alimta and carboplatin.  We did deal with the fatigue factor during the week and Sam was pretty darn grumpy at times, but we all survived.  Sam spent a good deal of time explaining to Brian where he is at in his thought process regarding how he wants to be cared for when the time comes he is no longer able to care for himself.  Needless to say, because Brian is not with Sam constantly and Sam is adamant about his way of thinking, there were some tense moments between them.  It took some time for Brian to wrap his mind around where Sam currently is in his cancer journey and for Sam to relax and not be so insistent about making certain he got his point across, but in the end I think both realized no matter what, they are and always will be best friends and brothers.  It was very sad to say good-bye to him.

Sam's doing pretty good although late last night he did tell me his fingers and hands are swollen.  He experienced shortness of breath quite often over the last few days as well as feeling cold all over, too.  From what I understand, these are all typical symptoms of lung cancer patients regardless of whether or not they are on chemo.  

This last week we both celebrated our birthdays, another milestone we did not know if he would make or not, so they were true celebrations.  The end of the month will be our 8th anniversary and since next week is board meeting week at work, we will probably celebrate over the weekend, either before or after, or perhaps both!

Wildfire-induced haze darkens the Alaskan sky above the Susitna river. July 19, 2012 Loren Holmes photo

Alaska's sunsets are magnificent right now due to fires in Siberia and other east Asia countries.  We tried to take some sunset photos but none turned out, so I borrowed this one from the Alaska Dispatch. Enjoy!

Ciao!

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation. Brian Tracy

Many discussions Sam and I participate in usually end by with the same comment, "It's not as if you can hit a switch and turn it all off."  It certainly is not.  Most days Sam and I handle our situation fine, attempting to maintain as much dignity and grace as possible.  Then there are those moments when the reality of the situation really hits...and I am glad to say, that does not happen often, nor does it last very long.  That is when our attitude of gratitude steps in and reminds us of all the wonderful things we should celebrate, like the fact we live in Alaska and get to enjoy its bountiful and beautiful scenery every single minute of each and every day. More importantly, though, is for us to just continue moving forward, living life to its fullest.

This weekend, Sam's best bud since he was four is coming to visit us for a week.  My work is taking me to the Kenai Peninsula, so Sam and Brian will be tagging along, sort of.  They will be out showing off their fishing skills while I am out traipsing around in the mud, muck, and mosquitoes.  Somehow, that just does not seem very fair at all.  They will have a good time, though, and that is what is important.

Hiking the new trail behind the Talkeetna Alaskan Lodge that the
Student Conservation Alliance crews have been building for us.

Tomorrow is the second chemo treatment of this round for Sam.  The side effects so far have been minimal and I hope they continue to so.  As to whether or not it is working, only time will tell, I suppose.  His shortness of breath does not seem to have changed much, if that is any indication.

Sam volunteered to serve as an Election Worker this year for District 18 which should keep him busy for awhile.  The most challenging part will be the long hours on Election Day(s) since after about four hours, his energy level is gone. He will be exhausted, if nothing else.  Training is in a couple weeks, and luckily, it is only for a day. That will provide a good basis for deciding whether or not this is a good idea.

So, in case you have not heard, we did purchase a travel trailer last week.  It is awesome.  A cute little Keystone Hideout, just perfect for the two of us.  We took it out on a trial run last weekend and even took the cats with us.  Rocky, of course, loved every minute of it.  Sweet Pea, on the other hand, hid under as many pillows and blankets she possibly could.  Big tough cat of ours - quite the hunter, but sure is not very brave.  And the guy I live with who fought buying it suddenly took ownership and came up with a long list of things needed...so we spent all day last Saturday going to Target, Lowes, Fred Meyer, Home Depot, Walmart, and anywhere else he thought might have whatever it was that was on his list of "gotta haves".  Each evening this week I have barely hit the door and he is ready to go down and take me on a tour to see his project for the day.  Hmmmm.....yeah.

Loaded and ready to go when Brian gets here on Saturday.

It is fun to see him excited about something, though, that is the best part.

Work is very busy right now and for that I am grateful, plus, I finally found the job I have been looking for since I graduated from college.  Only took me 30 years!

So, again, just keep moving forward, be grateful for whatever life throws at you, and enjoy every minute of it!

Ciao!

It's a great day! Me...as we are opening the mail.

Just a quick note, yes, we purchased a travel trailer, and, even better, the results from Sam's MRI of the brain came back negative!  Yes!

Make it a great weekend everyone!

Ciao!

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Patience.  UGH.  Sam's MRI of his brain took place late this afternoon at the hospital on Joint Base-Elmendorf-Richardson.  Now the waiting begins and since this is a holiday week, we can only hope to be lucky enough to hear the results by Monday.  This part of the process I can definitely do without, especially since I am not known for my patience, although I will admit I go back and forth between wanting to know and not wanting to know if the cancer has metastasized to the brain.  Neither of us truly believe it has, but we have been caught by surprise before.

This evening at dinner Sam mentioned there was something he wanted to talk with me about.  Whenever he does that, my stomach moves to my throat and my heart starts pounding because you just never know what it is he wants to discuss.  Apparently he dreams at night about waking up and not being able to move any of his limbs.  He asked me to not panic if that ever does happen and to give him time to fully wake up and start moving.  It took a bit more discussion before I realized he does not mean just a few minutes, he means a few hours, possibly more, before I call 911.  In fact, he would prefer I not call 911 at all and just allow his body to do its thing, meaning he may or may not wake up.  If that happens, I am to call hospice and then wait patiently for whatever process his body is going through to end.  The conversation caught me by surprise and I found it quite difficult to look him in the eye for a few minutes as my eyes were unable to control their tears. Although these are challenging conversations for us to have, I recognize how important it is to him for me to understand what it is he wants when he is not able to convey those desires to me or anyone else.

Don't I look professional?

Last week I flew to the Johnson River area which is on the other side of the Cook Inlet to look at property my company owns. During the day, Sam realized that the possibility of me not returning was real as flying into the mountains anytime during the year is quite challenging.  When I arrived home, he was waiting with all kinds of questions as to where important documents were, who he would need to contact in case of emergency and probably another 20 questions.  I realized that although I have many things written down already, I do not have a list of people for him to contact if he does find himself in that position. If nothing else, for his peace of mind I should prepare a list for him sooner rather than later.

The flight to the Johnson River was stunning.  Our land is within the boundaries of the Lake Clark National Park (connected to one of those crazy ANCSA deals in the early 80s) and it is absolutely beautiful. Interesting thing, though, is that we saw very little wildlife and the area (at least, so we have heard) is well known for its bear activity and we saw none.  We did see the backs of a couple Beluga whales in the Beluga River (imagine that!) as well as eagles and a variety of other birds.  The scenery is breathtaking.

More importantly is that my Denver Broncos report for practice in 4 weeks and 2 days (but who is counting?)  Yes, it will mean summer is about over, but it also means football!  Just wanted to make sure y'all mark your calendars appropriately.

Ciao!

“Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.” Grandma Moses

Tomorrow marks two weeks since Sam's chemo treatment of Alimta and carboplatin.  He is actually doing quite well, although this morning he did tell me his hands and feet are tingling which means the neuropathy is probably beginning.  Neuropathy, as most of you are probably aware, is a side effect of this type of chemo treatment as well as a side effect of lung cancer. In addition, he seems to constantly be cold which really is not surprising, either, since the tumors in his lungs are affecting his circulation. His attitude, though, is still phenomenal and for that I am so grateful.  The personality changes are what concern me most about the chemo treatment and so far, so good.  Yeah for the little things!

He finally heard from the VA doctor yet who provided him a phone number to call to schedule the MRI which he plans on doing tomorrow.  Between my job and our weekend getaways, scheduling the medical things are a challenge which is okay with both of us at this point.

Fox Creek overflowing its banks and onto the empty parking area. 

Last weekend we ventured to Chitina to dipnet in the Copper. Sam refused to listen to everyone saying the river is running high, is very muddy, and no one is catching any fish.  We also went hoping to see Sam McAllister, one of the river guides who is from Prairie City, 13 or so miles from John Day where we call home in eastern Oregon.  Lo and behold, the river guides had closed up the day before!  We hiked in 2.7 miles on the Copper Highway to O'Brien Creek, sat on the sandbar for 30 or so minutes with our nets in the very muddy water, caught nothing, and decided to heck with this, let's go back.  Luckily, the day was gorgeous so the hike was awesome, although we were both very sore on Sunday and Monday.

Loading up the wagon which hauled our gear
along the Copper River Highway.

Thursday morning I have a meeting in Kenai, so we are headed down to the Russian River area for a few days, another river which is running high and fishing is not all that good.  Plus...there are bear issues, lots and lots of bear issues.  That should be fun and exciting!  Hopefully, though, Sam will catch at least one fish and be happy, especially since dipnetting on the Copper was not successful.

On the other hand, he seems to be really enjoying his summer so far and I could not ask for anything more.  We have plans to head towards Denali after the 4th, then back down to the Kenai Peninsula after that as my work will be taking me back there for a few days later in July. If I have not said told you recently, I really do love my job and so does Sam!

The snarky side of me came out the past few days, and for any of you who I took it out on, I apologize.  One of the things which drives Sam and I both crazy are the various comments which are made by very caring people who do not by any means intend to be rude or otherwise, they just do not know what to say.  At this point in the journey, it is almost like we are living with a chronic disease, yet we know that because the cancer is literally throughout Sam's body, there is no treatment yet available which will cure him.  A miracle is the only way, and yes, a miracle is entirely possible but only on God's terms, not ours.  Anyway, I digress (imagine that!)  We both recognize no one prepares anyone for times like these and therefore, no one learns the best things to say and/or do.  Sam and I discuss this all the time mostly because sometimes we are just amazed at people and other times, we are saddened.  More than anything, the best thing to do (in our minds, anyway) is to communicate and do not be afraid to ask questions.  If we do not feel like talking about our situation, we will tell you and ask to change the subject.  More often than not, though, we are happy to share as it is therapeutic for us and educational for you plus it tells us you truly do care.  However, do not start in with the "you're going to be just fine" line because that is a complete lie and makes the hair on the back of both our necks stand up because it means you have absolutely no idea of the situation we are in, nor do you really care.

Dipnetting on the very muddy and
extremely high Copper River.

Ok, I could go on and on about this but I will stop now.  Enough of my ranting.

In case anyone is wondering, we are still tent camping.  The other day Sam told me when he goes camping, he wants to sleep outside, not inside of a house he brings along with him.  In the very next breath he told me if I really wanted a trailer/camper/motorhome to just go get one.  HA.  Yeah, I know how that works.  On the other hand, he said it...and I know the minute it starts raining and we are in the trailer, he will be extremely grateful. So, I am going shopping!

Ciao!

Come gather 'round people wherever you roam, and admit that the waters around you have grown. And accept it that soon you'll be drenched to the bone. If your time to you is worth savin', then you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone. For the times they are a-changin'. Bob Dylan

The times are definitely changing for us. Each day I as I look at Sam I see slight changes in his face, his body, his thought process, his fatigue, yet there is one thing which is constant, and that is his intense desire to not let the cancer rule his life.  What a challenge that is and he manages to meet it head on each and every day.  He is truly an amazing man.

Mt. Iliamna

We did get some fishing in over the weekend and managed to come home with some fish! Yeah for us!  Geez.  One more weekend of no fish and I would have become a complete madwoman. (No comments necessary, Roy Goldman!)  Anyway, the weather and scenery were absolutely beautiful and we could not have asked for a better time. Thank you to the friends who made it possible for us.  And before any of you ask, no, we have not yet transitioned to a trailer/camper/motorhome but we are definitely discussing it.  In fact, when I came home tonight and said there was something I needed to tell him, that is what he thought I was going to say, that I had gone out and bought something. HA. Maybe I will.

Sam met with his doctor from the VA on Monday.  She is concerned about the swollen glands behind his ear and the pain he has intermittently been experiencing elsewhere in his head and neck area.  She ordered an MRI but we are waiting on the results of his blood tests first to see if his kidneys have recovered enough from the last CT scans and chemo treatment to endure the MRI.  The past couple months Sam has voiced concern about pains in his head but I think we both have been fearful to push it. Therefore, it truly was no surprise to us when she said she ordered the test. Hopefully, we will hear in the next few days when that will be.

The 48 hour mark last Friday after his chemo treatment went quite smoothly for me, if you know what I mean.  He did experience side effects, though, and still is - nausea mostly.  Not too bad, but enough for him to continue taking the anti-nausea medication provided him by the doctor's office. He also is sleeping more than before (I did not think that was possible!) and is slowly losing weight. We are working hard to keep calories in him and maintain his weight. If he loses too much, the chemo will stop. There are some other side effects we have to watch for, specifically at the 21-28 day mark from the carboplatin part of the chemo which relates to blood cell and platelet counts and is referred to as "myelosuppression."  There are drugs to combat this but hopefully, Sam will not have to worry about it and can focus on his next treatment which is scheduled for July 13.

As for me, work is really busy. Summer brings on additional responsibilities including fire management. So far, two fires, both human caused. Luckily, they were both caught early and extinguished quickly since they were near urban areas. What I had to tell Sam tonight is about a day trip I am making next week to the other side of the Cook Inlet...and that he cannot go with me.  Yes, it is work-related, but I still feel very guilty because I know he would truly love to go.

Ciao!

"You hold the key in the palm of your hand, use it! Don't blame your life on the master plan, change it!" Lyrics to "Life is a Song Worth Singing" Written by Thom Bell and Linda Creed, sung by various artists including Teddy Pendergrass and Johnny Mathis

Our Alaska geography & history professor

Fish On! was not shouted with glee this past weekend, darn it all.  In fact, I do not think we saw more than 2 fish being caught at the Homer Lagoon the entire 3 days we were there.   Sam and I both wanted to head to the Copper River this week for dipnetting but between my work, his chemo, and the weather, it just is not working out. So instead, we are headed to Ninilchik to fish with our newly adopted family (they do not know this yet, but I think they are getting the idea...) and I am fairly sure we will be jumping up and down hootin' and hollerin' this time around.  

Fishing at the Homer Lagoon

Camping on the Homer Spit in a tent is quite the experience, especially if you are camping next to Sam and Dara.  We are tent campers as most of you know, and although I am slowly trying to talk Sam into a trailer/camper/motorhome, he is not yet completely sold on the idea. So, off we went to Homer with (luckily!) 2 tents, one large and one small, just in case.  The wind is blowing like crazy when we arrive, but that does not deter us from attempting to put up the larger tent at first.  We spend about 30 minutes fighting the wind.  Pieces of firewood are on each corner holding the tent down as we gallantly attempt to put the poles in place all the while fighting the wind which is blowing the tent over flat to the ground.  There is even a point when Sam insists I go inside the tent and try to hold it up from there while he does whatever it is he thinks is needed to hold the tent up from the outside.  Oh boy.  Needless to say, that does not work either.   The people we are camped next to (of course in an RV) come over at that point and, grinning widely, ask if we could use an extra hand or two, actually 3 sets in this case - husband, wife and adult son - all whom kindly attempt to assist.  I take the opportunity to whisper to the wife, "This is actually all working out perfectly for me!"  She laughs and says, "Been there, done that!"  Bless her heart, she immediately starts making comments such as "Perhaps a metal floor might be better" and "Firm walls are sometimes a good thing."  Oh yes, she is a woman after my own heart.  Sam finally relents and agrees that perhaps a trailer would be better at this point.  NO KIDDING!  Too bad we do not have one to jump into; however, we do have the smaller dome tent which we promptly pull out, put up and spend the weekend in all comfy and cozy.  Luckily, we had to use the dome tent because if we would have managed to set up the larger tent we would have been terribly disappointed.  Until we unroll the backpacking mattresses we do not remember that we had thrown out our larger air mattress last summer due to excessive wear and tear!  Another blessing in disguise.  The best part is, I am one step closer to my goal of no more tent camping if I can help it.  What more can a girl ask for?

Campground Guard Eagle

Tonight Sam is recovering from his first chemo treatment (Alimta and carboplatin) this round.  As I am writing, I can hear him struggling with his breathing and I do not think he recognizes that he is.  It is difficult to listen to without saying anything. If I do say something, he will accuse me of panicking and I am far from that at this point.  One of the many lessons I have learned over the past 2-3 years, believe me.  So far his side effects are limited, only sweats and a bit of nausea when he got home this afternoon.  I dropped him off about 9 at the doctor's office where they did the labs, he met with the P.A. and then did the chemo.  Friday will be the telltale 48 hour mark and thankfully I will be at work.  Sam is really good about texting or calling me throughout the day to keep me informed of what is happening, so I trust he will let me know if anything extraordinary is happening at that point.  The 48 hour mark is the moment I dread the most because he is not at all pleasant to be around, so it is definitely another blessing in disguise that I have to be at work.  The addition of the carboplatin makes this round of chemo different from the one last fall, so this is an entirely new situation for us and one which requires us to pay close attention to everything.  The serious side effects for carboplatin include things such as itchy hands.  Sam told the nurse today it is not unusual for him to experience itchy hands normally and she accused him of being a troublemaker.  If she only knew...

One of the best things about Sam being on disability is that I do not have to cook when I get home.  Now, if only I could get the cats to clean house, life would truly be perfect.

Ciao!