"Grief is love turned into an eternal missing” ― Rosamund Lupton, Sister

Halfway point - 50 miles - South Denali Viewpoint
Myself and some other members of the Glass Half Full team

This last Saturday I rode in my first century ride (100 miles) on a bicycle in the Alaska Clean Air Challenge, a fundraiser for the American Lung Association.  The emotions sweeping through me during the ride amazed me, startled me, saddened me, and sometimes just completely caught me by surprise.  The sense of accomplishment overwhelmed me when I found myself wanting to find Sam and celebrate with him.  When I realized I could not do that, I felt a sense of extreme sadness just sweep right over me.  Luckily the exhaustion also kicked in and I only had enough energy to eat, sit through the award's presentations and head to bed.  Sunday morning I saw a good friend of ours who lives in Talkeetna who, along with his wife, was one of the last people to see Sam outside of our home. And what did I do? I promptly burst into tears.  Fortunately, he understood and got me through my moment of intense grief.

We did it!  The members of the Glass Half Full team
who completed the century ride. What a great day!

Previously I spoke of summer coming on.  I find myself not really dreading it, but not being all that excited about it, either.  Alaskans turn into crazy 24/7ers when summer arrives. Sam and I hit the ground running and never stopped when we arrived 6 years ago this month and became instant Alaskans.  My playmate is gone.  Yes, there are many friends I can do things with and while I appreciate them greatly, it is not the same no matter how hard they try.  Sam was my playmate for 10 awesome summers and no matter what, it is never going to be the same.

Grief is such a strange emotion to experience and it is definitely not enjoyable.  I wish it would end but it never will until I see him again.  Yet, I continue to live each day to the best of my ability.  I laugh, cry, ride my bike, hang out with friends, take care of Sweet Pea, stare at the magnificent Chugach, work, campaign for equal rights, cheer on my teams, make plans with my family and friends, and lots of other things just to keep moving forward.  Often all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep the time away.  Every once-in-awhile I do, but that is exhausting as well and definitely not very productive or fun.  I wonder, too, if grief is ever going to leave me alone. Just this week, a dear friend of mine lost her husband after a long battle with cancer, and a relative is in the process of watching the love of his life slowly slip away, also from cancer.  Knowing what they are facing brings it all back to me.  The hardest part is that I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to ease their pain or take their pain away. They just have to go through it like I did and am. I will say it again...it really sucks.

Glass Half Full Team Car

The Glass Half Full team member who designed our team t-shirt decorated her car as well in an awesome show of team spirit!  I am very grateful for my friends who rode with me and for all of you who supported us.  Although we came nowhere near the top fundraising team, we are currently in fourth place (past two years we were first!) and are continuing to take donations through June 2. Here's the link:  http://action.lung.org/goto/djglass.

Thank you, again, everyone for everything.

q'ua

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Gilda Radner

Camping at Ptarmigan Campground

Camping is just around the corner and I am looking forward to it with both dread and anticipation.  Sweet Pea and I did manage to go once in late September last year by ourselves, but since it was a working weekend I was too busy to focus much on the fact that Sam was not with me.  It will be interesting to see how this summer goes.  No matter what, though, Sam's presence will be missed, especially when I have to do EVERYTHING!

This past week was a stark reminder that Sam is gone when I learned about Windows XP no longer being supported on, of course, the last day.  If Sam were here, he would have had it figured out and our laptop taken care of and I would have been almost clueless anything had happened.  As it stands now, depending on how I decided to handle the situation, I will probably have to take a day off from work to upgrade to Windows 7 because I certainly do not want to use my weekends for that!

Earlier this month, my parents and I returned to John Day to celebrate the life of a wonderful man and dear friend to my family.  Being there for the first time since Sam's service was a bit difficult, in fact, more so than I anticipated.  I wish I could put into words the range of emotions I felt over the three days we were there, but it is just too much.

Each day I am recognizing that more than anything, I am changing, becoming a different person than I have ever been before.  The interesting thing is that this change is being brought about not by something I chose, but by something that chose me.  Therefore, I have no idea where this is going to lead me and all I can do is go along for the ride and make the most of it.  People who are grieving are often encouraged not to make any major decisions for the first year and I can certainly understand why.  I have never had a problem with making decisions, and now decisions, no matter how big or small, are major undertakings.  It is exhausting!

Many of you have been asking if I am prepared for my 100 mile bike ride on May 10.  I am training and if all goes according to plan, I will be ready.  The fundraising, though, is going very slow, mostly because I have not been as focused on it as in the past.  So, now is your chance!  Here is the link and please know I greatly appreciate any amount, small or large, as it all makes a difference.  http://action.lung.org/goto/djglass

q'ua

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. Alan Watts

Plunge into it.  A couple weeks ago I began going through Sam's closet with no real goal in mind other than to at least begin sorting through things.  There is a constant fear of with each item I remove, a little bit of Sam goes with it.  Although one part of my brain tells me his memory will always be with me, another part tells me holding onto the tangible things makes it even more so.  

This grieving thing is really no fun at all.  In all other aspects of my life, I am very happy which makes the grieving even more difficult.  The loneliness which goes with it is simply indescribable.  At various times I have attempted to describe it to others and most people do not understand, although there is always a valiant attempt - mostly it is "well, I would go do this or that with you..." which is very kind but that is not the issue. The loneliness is from my life partner no longer being here in person.  Sam and I each had roles to play in our marriage, little things like he would pick out the vegetables at the store while I hit the dairy aisle. Or, big things like cooking.  He cooked, I ate.  Worked out very well for the both of us.  Do not get me wrong, I was single for a long time and know what it is like to do things on your own.  But when you have a partner, you seem to be able to do more, and now, I do everything alone again.  Eventually I will figure out what things I want to continue doing and what things I do not.  It is all a process but it really sucks.  There is just no other word for it. 

Sam at the 2011 Iditarod start in Willow.

Speaking of cooking, sourdough pancakes were one of Sam's specialties and this morning I made my own for the very first time ever and I have to admit, I impressed myself.  Sam would have been proud!  He made a starter when we first moved to Alaska and it has been going strong ever since. I do have to remind myself to check on it weekly (another of those "Sam" chores I inherited.)

 

In case you are unaware, the Iditarod is well underway and is on a record setting pace.  Aliy Zirkle, you go girl.  If Sam had been healthy, we would have been very involved with the race, definitely volunteers along the route.  Maybe I still will be, but not be for awhile.  Just is not the same.

The Alaska Clean Air Challenge is now 2 months away and my fundraising efforts are not what they should be!  So I just might become shameless in my efforts.  Please consider either joining the Glass Half Full team and riding with us or contributing to my personal fundraising in memory of Sam.  Click here to do either:  http://action.lung.org/goto/djglass.  I have a long way to go to reach my goal and any contribution, no matter how big or small will make a huge difference in the fight against lung disease.

Merna, fishing is right around the corner!

q'ua

Tonight is a little bittersweet for me. Sam and I did not celebrate Valentine's Day, instead we celebrated on the 15th because that is the day we "reconnected."  Today would have been the 10th anniversary of that day. Over the years we had some pretty wild adventures and some fairly disastrous ones as well - like in 2007 when we went to Tahoe skiing. First good snow of the year, first run of the day, almost to the bottom and lucky me caught an edge and managed to completely tear my ACL.  I won the wife of the year award that day because I told Sam to keep skiing knowing what a pain in the you know what he would be at the clinic whining the entire time about not being able to ski! The ski patrol could not believe it when I told him to just go on. But it was the right move, believe me!

Not wanting to stay home for three days, I decided to do something. Every winter since moving to Alaska, Sam and I rode the train between Anchorage and Fairbanks. So that is what I am doing this weekend. It is a stunning trip and if you have never done it, you really should.

This week I cried many more tears than I thought I ever would.  Sam was, is and always will be the love of my life.  He is my Valentine.

Anyway, tomorrow I will catch the train back to Anchorage after flying up to Fairbanks earlier today. It will be amazing as always, I am certain of it.

Enjoy your weekend - get out and do something!

q'ua

I've experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I think to really appreciate anything you have to be at both ends of the spectrum. John Elway

Today four good teams played some amazing football.  Of course, my Denver Broncos won their game and that made the day very special.  Sam would have truly enjoyed both games, especially since while growing up the 49ers was his favorite team, he liked the Seahawks as an adult and then became a Broncos fan when he married me.  We were known to periodically yell for the Patriots, too, since there are a couple Oregon Ducks on the team.  The super bowl is going to be just like old times, the Broncos vs. the Seahawks, before the Seahawks went to the NFC.  Tonight I am trying to figure out how I can wear something Broncos-related to work every day until the super bowl without "breaking the rules".  Not sure that I can so I might have to do some shopping!

Courtesy of the Denver Broncos official webpage.

Life is good right now.  Work continues to be extremely busy so I do not have much time to think about things, but even so, I do not think I would be experiencing life any differently than I am now.  Every minute of every day I think of Sam but I do not have the emotional outbursts as often as I did before Christmas.  Now I am focusing on forcing myself to make decisions on my own and needless to say, I am struggling with that.  A couple weeks ago I mentioned this to a friend who promptly offered to play Sam's role in my decision-making process but...well...although I greatly appreciate the offer, it is just not the same.

Alaska's Lung Association Clean Air Challenge is set for May 10.  This year will probably be my last year of heavy fundraising for this event so I encourage you to either support me personally or come join the Glass Half Full team and ride with us.  You can find details here:  http://action.lung.org/goto/djglass.  And yes, I will continue to ride and support the Clean Air Challenge, I just will not be fundraising like a madwoman.

Now, off to do a snow dance because we need snow!

q'ua

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. - Washington Irving

Happy New Year to all of you!  Never before have I been so grateful to have the new year come around.  As I told a friend tonight, the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas were downright awful and I am so very glad to have the holidays over with.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, the actual holidays, I spent with family which made both days much easier to deal with.  It was rather odd that I found myself feeling okay on each of those days, yet not so much on the days between the two.  I wonder what next year's holidays will bring?

Sam at the Iditarod Restart, 2012.

Each day I work hard to move forward without Sam and the struggle at times seems more than I can handle.  Then, I remind myself I am a survivor, I know I can do this, but it certainly does not mean I am happy about it.  I miss him more than I can even begin to put into words. The grief is a deep black hole within me that generates more pain than I ever imagined.  Some days it takes all my energy to just breath, let alone function.  Yes, I am burying myself in my work.  That is what I do and how my mind and body function.  I am okay with that if doing so is going to get me through this time.

Looking at pictures of him smiling make me smile, so I spend a lot of time doing that.  It truly makes me feel better.

Sweet Pea and Shadow still have not worked out their relationship.  She hisses and he chases her as a pay back.  Hopefully one of these days I will come home and they will be best buds.  It took Rocky and Sweet Pea a year to come to terms with each other, so I have to remind myself to be patient!

For those of you who wondered, yes, I wanted Oregon to beat my 'Horns.  Mack Brown is a great coach, but he should have done like John Elway and gone out while he was still on top several years ago.  Just my opinion.  Speaking of my Broncos, I do hope it is the Seahawks we meet in the super bowl.  It would seem just like old times!  My second choice is the Niners, just so you know. Just hope the right Broncos team shows up for the playoffs.  I did see the schedules for next year and the Broncos are coming to Seattle.  Guess what is now on my calendar?

q'ua

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” ― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

The past couple of weeks, for whatever reason, have been more difficult than any others so far.  I do not share this with you for your sympathy, but for your understanding.  It is challenging to find the desire to write because all I really want to do is curl up in a hole somewhere and cry a good hard long cry.  The only problem is that I fear I would not be able to stop and I would just continue crying.  My heart hurts more than it ever has.

Sam during our  2012 winter trip to Lowell Point in Seward.

Work is very busy and tonight, as I sat at my desk finishing up a project, I realized I was alone in the office - everyone had already left for home.  It suddenly occurred to me I did not want to go home to my empty condo because Sam is not there.  I could not hold back any longer and so I sat at my desk sobbing hysterically for about 15 minutes, hoping and praying at the same time that no one would see me like that.  Now I am home and the tears continue while I beg God one minute to take care of Sam and the next begging Him to bring Sam back, all the while wondering how much more of this I can take.

As a friend noted over Thanksgiving, grief is a place that unless you experience it yourself, you truly do not understand.  I wholeheartedly agree.  It is a process which slowly I am working my way through while at the same time knowing it will always be there.

It is snowing and absolutely beautiful outside.  Although I know Sam is here with me in spirit enjoying it, I would rather he were here in person.  I need him.

q'ua