We want a world where life is preserved, and the quality of life is enriched for everybody, not only for the privileged. Isabel Allende

Now into the second week of hospice and I have so many different emotions, I do not know even where to begin.  Assessments conducted by the doctor, nurse, occupational/physical therapist, social workers, and the personal care assistant lasted anywhere from one hour to four hours on four different days last week.  At one point, I took a two hour nap because I just could not stay awake any longer, let alone try to carry on an intelligent conversation with someone.  Glad they are over with and we can at least pretend to be in some sort of routine.

On the Bird to Gird trail a couple weeks ago.

Now, though, we are working on adjusting Sam's pain meds to match his pain level.  No one really understood the level of pain he experiences.  On the other hand, he finally understood why he needed to fully describe his pain and be honest about his pain level.  This, if nothing else, is challenging.  What a person's body goes through during this time is nuts.  On top of the pain meds, the doctor decided to put him on steriods and for the life of me, I cannot remember why.  Today, Sam hallucinated a good portion of the day.  It was not scary, but it made me wonder if my Sam was gone for good, especially when he asked why I did not "open the door."  I thought for a couple seconds and finally just said, "because I am not ready to."  He accepted that response and moved on to another topic.  That question made me catch my breath, though, because many people who are dying talk about seeing a door or going through a door. So, of course, now I am wondering what that was all about but I am not about to bring it up.  He also told me the football players I am coaching are not playing up to their ability and they are trying to fake me out with their half hearted practices.  Who knew?  Tonight, he seems to be back to his old self but we shall see what tomorrow brings.

As for me, I am doing pretty good.  Just wish I could get a bit more sleep, but that opportunity will come soon enough.

q'ua

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. Edward Abbey

Summer!  Or at least...what might possibly be summer, I think...hope...PRAY!  This weekend is the inaugural camping trip regardless of the weather. Sunshine would be awesome.

Sam is doing ok.  Radiation on his upper left femur lasted for ten days and he says he has yet to notice any real difference in the pain level.  That is not good news, yet the doctors say it could be awhile before any effect is realized.  Luckily, Sam is still maintaining a pretty good mood and I am very greatful for that.  He does get grumpy every once in a while, but that is usually indicative of him needing to eat.  Or maybe it is indicative of me needing to eat!  I digress.

Sam on Bird to Gird trail.

The pain meds add a level of fatigue which is difficult for me to deal with.  Normally, Sam is up and ready to go on weekends, but not anymore.  This past weekend it finally occurred to me that I am more bummed than I realized about the fatigue.  Another light bulb moment in my life.  Overall, though, each day I do see an improvement in his energy level and that is an awesome thing.

Other than that, the past few weeks proved to be rather uneventful except for a short walk we took on the Bird to Gird path a few weeks ago.  A simply beautiful day to be out on Turnagain Arm.

As for me, I am training, or at least claiming to be training, for the 2013 Alaska Clean Air Bike Challenge.  Only 11 more days!  And no, it is not too late to donate - http://action.lung.org/site/TR?px=4777818&fr_id=6580&pg=personal.  Or to just come ride with us.

Q'ua