There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. - Washington Irving

Happy New Year to all of you!  Never before have I been so grateful to have the new year come around.  As I told a friend tonight, the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas were downright awful and I am so very glad to have the holidays over with.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, the actual holidays, I spent with family which made both days much easier to deal with.  It was rather odd that I found myself feeling okay on each of those days, yet not so much on the days between the two.  I wonder what next year's holidays will bring?

Sam at the Iditarod Restart, 2012.

Each day I work hard to move forward without Sam and the struggle at times seems more than I can handle.  Then, I remind myself I am a survivor, I know I can do this, but it certainly does not mean I am happy about it.  I miss him more than I can even begin to put into words. The grief is a deep black hole within me that generates more pain than I ever imagined.  Some days it takes all my energy to just breath, let alone function.  Yes, I am burying myself in my work.  That is what I do and how my mind and body function.  I am okay with that if doing so is going to get me through this time.

Looking at pictures of him smiling make me smile, so I spend a lot of time doing that.  It truly makes me feel better.

Sweet Pea and Shadow still have not worked out their relationship.  She hisses and he chases her as a pay back.  Hopefully one of these days I will come home and they will be best buds.  It took Rocky and Sweet Pea a year to come to terms with each other, so I have to remind myself to be patient!

For those of you who wondered, yes, I wanted Oregon to beat my 'Horns.  Mack Brown is a great coach, but he should have done like John Elway and gone out while he was still on top several years ago.  Just my opinion.  Speaking of my Broncos, I do hope it is the Seahawks we meet in the super bowl.  It would seem just like old times!  My second choice is the Niners, just so you know. Just hope the right Broncos team shows up for the playoffs.  I did see the schedules for next year and the Broncos are coming to Seattle.  Guess what is now on my calendar?

q'ua

“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” ― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

The past couple of weeks, for whatever reason, have been more difficult than any others so far.  I do not share this with you for your sympathy, but for your understanding.  It is challenging to find the desire to write because all I really want to do is curl up in a hole somewhere and cry a good hard long cry.  The only problem is that I fear I would not be able to stop and I would just continue crying.  My heart hurts more than it ever has.

Sam during our  2012 winter trip to Lowell Point in Seward.

Work is very busy and tonight, as I sat at my desk finishing up a project, I realized I was alone in the office - everyone had already left for home.  It suddenly occurred to me I did not want to go home to my empty condo because Sam is not there.  I could not hold back any longer and so I sat at my desk sobbing hysterically for about 15 minutes, hoping and praying at the same time that no one would see me like that.  Now I am home and the tears continue while I beg God one minute to take care of Sam and the next begging Him to bring Sam back, all the while wondering how much more of this I can take.

As a friend noted over Thanksgiving, grief is a place that unless you experience it yourself, you truly do not understand.  I wholeheartedly agree.  It is a process which slowly I am working my way through while at the same time knowing it will always be there.

It is snowing and absolutely beautiful outside.  Although I know Sam is here with me in spirit enjoying it, I would rather he were here in person.  I need him.

q'ua