“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.” ― Ashley Smith

It is now the middle of summer in Alaska and thank goodness Sam is no longer in the hospital, although I certainly could have used one more day to prepare for him coming home.  Because of the pulmonary tumors, the blood clots and who knows what else, oxygen 24/7 is the name of the game with a wheelchair as the primary transportation.

Last night I, for one, did not get much sleep.  He continually pulled off the oxygen in his sleep.  One would have thought he would be used to it after a week in the hospital with it, but apparently not.  Whenever it got pulled off, Sam started struggling with his breathing which, in turn, woke me.  Usually without waking him I was able to put it back on.  A couple times, though, he did wake, look at me, try to figure out what was happening and just go back to sleep.

Any movement at all causes Sam to lose his breath.  He probably spends a good 10 minutes each time he moves catching his breath before moving again.  This process is exhausting and Sam is finding many ways to avoid any movement.

Today we spoke with the VA case manager and the insurance case manager.  Next week an assessment will be made for Sam's needs but for starters, someone will be coming in 2-3 times a week for 2-3 hours each.  As to when that is starting, I have no idea.  Could be Monday for all I know!  Anyway, things are moving, which is good.  In addition, my book club friends are helping us by preparing some meals.  I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this.  It is awesome.  And yesterday, the neighbors all pulled together and moved our couch and coffee table out of the condo into the hallway.  WOW.  What a difference that made.  Sam did not understand why we needed it moved, but I think he is beginning to understand.  Now to just find someone to take it away.

The dumbfounding moment of the day was the oncologist's office calling to confirm Sam's continuation of chemo on Tuesday and follow up appointment with the PA (not the oncologist).  The look on Sam's face was priceless.  He politely said, no chemo and appointment with the oncologist only.  Neither of us can believe it yet.  Anyway, we will meet with him Tuesday afternoon at which time (as of right now anyway) and Sam is going to tell him no more treatment.  Personally I think the oncologist is going to be shocked when he sees Sam and the change in him since the last time they spoke.

Sam asked me to take him outside for a few minutes today.  It was pleasant and we took Rocky with us.

It is so difficult to see the tall athletic and energetic man I love slowly deteriorating.  It is even more difficult to not let him see my tears and hear my fears, even though there were several times this week while he was in the hospital when I just could not hold back any longer.  I am glad he is home with me because no one knows how much longer he will be.  

Thank you everyone for your support this week. I would have never made it without you.

q'ua