We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. Eleanor Roosevelt

Memorial Day came and went without me writing my thoughts, so here they are now albeit somewhat delayed.

As you know, Sam served in the US Navy for six years, mostly on a nuclear submarine yet not during "war time."  During his service, Sam came into contact with asbestos, probably more times than anyone is even aware.  Thankfully, three years after Sam's lung cancer diagnosis and a little over one year of his application for VA disability, the Navy took full responsibility for the lung cancer.

Sam plotting our hike along Trail Lake,
Memorial Day weekend 2010.

Memorial Day is a day created to honor those who died while serving.  Although Sam had long since left the military, his death was due to his time serving our country.  Therefore, I believe Sam should be among those honored on Memorial Day.  In fact, anyone and everyone who served and then died due to injuries or disease related to their service should be honored, in my mind.  They also gave their lives for our country, not just those who lost their lives while serving.  I realize this is only my opinion but believe me, it is a strong one.

Slowly I am confronting a fear I discovered deep within me a week or so ago.  Or rather, I knew it was there I just did not want to deal with it nor am I saying I am ready to do so now, either.  Grief does funny things to people and one of the things it did to me (and it is quite normal) is make me feel like putting Sam's things away, cleaning out his closet, or even giving some of his belongings away would somehow make his memory also go away.  Common sense tells me this is not true, but there is something inside me insisting it is true and is what will happen.  I find this fear extremely difficult to overcome and I keep telling myself to just do it (whatever it is I am thinking about doing at the time).  Then I wonder if perhaps I am just procrastinating and taking the easy way out by just not doing anything.  Oh my word, I might drive myself nuts going back and forth like this.  At the same time, I know this thought process is completely normal but that certainly does not make it any easier to get through.  Instead, I just sleep, eat, work, and fish and not in any special order.  Eventually, I will work through this.

In the meantime, fish on!

q'ua