It's exhilarating to be alive in a time of awakening consciousness; it can also be confusing, disorienting, and painful. Adrienne Rich

Yep, that is me, exhilarated to be alive, yet I just had a confusing, disorienting and painful awakening moment. As Sam walks across the room, I suddenly realize he is losing weight...and it is noticeable. It is common for cancer patients on chemo to lose weight, but if you lose too much, the treatment stops.  What is the definition of "too much" and who determines it?  Regardless, I need to somehow make sure he gets enough calories daily. But I digress, because I simply wanted to tell you the realization made me very sad.  No matter what is said or done, the cancer continues to progress.  I would give absolutely anything to have a healthy husband, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends.  Cancer is a terrible disease and it affects not only the patients themselves but every single person around him or her.

Sam and Lance Mackey, 4 time Iditarod winner and cancer survivor
August 2011

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day, just ask Lance Mackey!

Ciao!

I get along with all the women singers, but especially Dolly Parton. We talk the same hillbilly language. Loretta Lynn

My Aunt Deanna, who passed away last week after a gallant fight with cancer, always reminded me of a combination of the female country singers including Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, Emmylou Harris and Dolly Parton.  Music filled her home constantly and tomorrow music will fill the air celebrating her life.  It makes me very sad knowing I am not there with my family but I know in my heart Aunt Deanna understands why I am not.  Enjoy your never-ending bubble bath in the sky, Auntie Dee, as well as all the halibut you can eat.  I will miss you.

Sam's BFF left Saturday night on the red-eye.  What a week those two had, lots of fish and several bear encounters.  Here's a link to a video of one, at about the 4.5 minute mark is when things start getting exciting.  Lucky me chose to stay at the campground, so I missed the entire thing, thank goodness.  

Sam & Brian's Grizzly Encounter  

This is a black bear we saw our first night at the Russian River.  The grizzly encounter was our last night there.  OHMIGOSH is about all I can say.

During the week while I surveyed logging roads and did other fun work things, Sam and Brian hung out, fished, went to Seward, and basically seemed to have a good time overall.  It definitely was good for both of them to spend quality time together. 

The week prior Sam had his 2nd chemo treatment of Alimta and carboplatin.  We did deal with the fatigue factor during the week and Sam was pretty darn grumpy at times, but we all survived.  Sam spent a good deal of time explaining to Brian where he is at in his thought process regarding how he wants to be cared for when the time comes he is no longer able to care for himself.  Needless to say, because Brian is not with Sam constantly and Sam is adamant about his way of thinking, there were some tense moments between them.  It took some time for Brian to wrap his mind around where Sam currently is in his cancer journey and for Sam to relax and not be so insistent about making certain he got his point across, but in the end I think both realized no matter what, they are and always will be best friends and brothers.  It was very sad to say good-bye to him.

Sam's doing pretty good although late last night he did tell me his fingers and hands are swollen.  He experienced shortness of breath quite often over the last few days as well as feeling cold all over, too.  From what I understand, these are all typical symptoms of lung cancer patients regardless of whether or not they are on chemo.  

This last week we both celebrated our birthdays, another milestone we did not know if he would make or not, so they were true celebrations.  The end of the month will be our 8th anniversary and since next week is board meeting week at work, we will probably celebrate over the weekend, either before or after, or perhaps both!

Wildfire-induced haze darkens the Alaskan sky above the Susitna river. July 19, 2012 Loren Holmes photo

Alaska's sunsets are magnificent right now due to fires in Siberia and other east Asia countries.  We tried to take some sunset photos but none turned out, so I borrowed this one from the Alaska Dispatch. Enjoy!

Ciao!

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation. Brian Tracy

Many discussions Sam and I participate in usually end by with the same comment, "It's not as if you can hit a switch and turn it all off."  It certainly is not.  Most days Sam and I handle our situation fine, attempting to maintain as much dignity and grace as possible.  Then there are those moments when the reality of the situation really hits...and I am glad to say, that does not happen often, nor does it last very long.  That is when our attitude of gratitude steps in and reminds us of all the wonderful things we should celebrate, like the fact we live in Alaska and get to enjoy its bountiful and beautiful scenery every single minute of each and every day. More importantly, though, is for us to just continue moving forward, living life to its fullest.

This weekend, Sam's best bud since he was four is coming to visit us for a week.  My work is taking me to the Kenai Peninsula, so Sam and Brian will be tagging along, sort of.  They will be out showing off their fishing skills while I am out traipsing around in the mud, muck, and mosquitoes.  Somehow, that just does not seem very fair at all.  They will have a good time, though, and that is what is important.

Hiking the new trail behind the Talkeetna Alaskan Lodge that the
Student Conservation Alliance crews have been building for us.

Tomorrow is the second chemo treatment of this round for Sam.  The side effects so far have been minimal and I hope they continue to so.  As to whether or not it is working, only time will tell, I suppose.  His shortness of breath does not seem to have changed much, if that is any indication.

Sam volunteered to serve as an Election Worker this year for District 18 which should keep him busy for awhile.  The most challenging part will be the long hours on Election Day(s) since after about four hours, his energy level is gone. He will be exhausted, if nothing else.  Training is in a couple weeks, and luckily, it is only for a day. That will provide a good basis for deciding whether or not this is a good idea.

So, in case you have not heard, we did purchase a travel trailer last week.  It is awesome.  A cute little Keystone Hideout, just perfect for the two of us.  We took it out on a trial run last weekend and even took the cats with us.  Rocky, of course, loved every minute of it.  Sweet Pea, on the other hand, hid under as many pillows and blankets she possibly could.  Big tough cat of ours - quite the hunter, but sure is not very brave.  And the guy I live with who fought buying it suddenly took ownership and came up with a long list of things needed...so we spent all day last Saturday going to Target, Lowes, Fred Meyer, Home Depot, Walmart, and anywhere else he thought might have whatever it was that was on his list of "gotta haves".  Each evening this week I have barely hit the door and he is ready to go down and take me on a tour to see his project for the day.  Hmmmm.....yeah.

Loaded and ready to go when Brian gets here on Saturday.

It is fun to see him excited about something, though, that is the best part.

Work is very busy right now and for that I am grateful, plus, I finally found the job I have been looking for since I graduated from college.  Only took me 30 years!

So, again, just keep moving forward, be grateful for whatever life throws at you, and enjoy every minute of it!

Ciao!

It's a great day! Me...as we are opening the mail.

Just a quick note, yes, we purchased a travel trailer, and, even better, the results from Sam's MRI of the brain came back negative!  Yes!

Make it a great weekend everyone!

Ciao!

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Patience.  UGH.  Sam's MRI of his brain took place late this afternoon at the hospital on Joint Base-Elmendorf-Richardson.  Now the waiting begins and since this is a holiday week, we can only hope to be lucky enough to hear the results by Monday.  This part of the process I can definitely do without, especially since I am not known for my patience, although I will admit I go back and forth between wanting to know and not wanting to know if the cancer has metastasized to the brain.  Neither of us truly believe it has, but we have been caught by surprise before.

This evening at dinner Sam mentioned there was something he wanted to talk with me about.  Whenever he does that, my stomach moves to my throat and my heart starts pounding because you just never know what it is he wants to discuss.  Apparently he dreams at night about waking up and not being able to move any of his limbs.  He asked me to not panic if that ever does happen and to give him time to fully wake up and start moving.  It took a bit more discussion before I realized he does not mean just a few minutes, he means a few hours, possibly more, before I call 911.  In fact, he would prefer I not call 911 at all and just allow his body to do its thing, meaning he may or may not wake up.  If that happens, I am to call hospice and then wait patiently for whatever process his body is going through to end.  The conversation caught me by surprise and I found it quite difficult to look him in the eye for a few minutes as my eyes were unable to control their tears. Although these are challenging conversations for us to have, I recognize how important it is to him for me to understand what it is he wants when he is not able to convey those desires to me or anyone else.

Don't I look professional?

Last week I flew to the Johnson River area which is on the other side of the Cook Inlet to look at property my company owns. During the day, Sam realized that the possibility of me not returning was real as flying into the mountains anytime during the year is quite challenging.  When I arrived home, he was waiting with all kinds of questions as to where important documents were, who he would need to contact in case of emergency and probably another 20 questions.  I realized that although I have many things written down already, I do not have a list of people for him to contact if he does find himself in that position. If nothing else, for his peace of mind I should prepare a list for him sooner rather than later.

The flight to the Johnson River was stunning.  Our land is within the boundaries of the Lake Clark National Park (connected to one of those crazy ANCSA deals in the early 80s) and it is absolutely beautiful. Interesting thing, though, is that we saw very little wildlife and the area (at least, so we have heard) is well known for its bear activity and we saw none.  We did see the backs of a couple Beluga whales in the Beluga River (imagine that!) as well as eagles and a variety of other birds.  The scenery is breathtaking.

More importantly is that my Denver Broncos report for practice in 4 weeks and 2 days (but who is counting?)  Yes, it will mean summer is about over, but it also means football!  Just wanted to make sure y'all mark your calendars appropriately.

Ciao!